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Date: October 22, 2022
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Firstly: while, yes there are pros and cons to living with someone, having five pages is a red flag and having three of them being cons is practically a May Day parade in the USSR.
Secondly: this action, for me personally (male, 27) would make me question if my partner actually loved me.
Thirdly: I think having children with him is a terrible idea because his actions lead towards the possibility he will have very little, if any, involvement with any future children.
I would seriously examine the status of your relationship.
That’s another game. You should tell him to shove it up his ass. Then block him on everything the restraining orders isn’t a bad idea.
There is a scenario where a contract/ agreement could work or is needed.
Especially if OP's SO has a history with SA and and any underlying trauma might be triggered without this consent.
However, the chances of someone with SA history having a fetish/kink about being woken up to any advances feels next to none. So OP might need to decide where the line is between spontaneity and overdoing this.
Funny thing is, this contract OP wants her to sign won't even hold up in court cuz consent can be taken away at any time.
Please Please don't stay any longer.
This is exactly what happened to me…but I was with him over a decade.
He would get mad about any little thing. I asked hundreds of times for him to see someone. He'd always say he'd make an appointment, or no flat out.
Don't blame yourself for lashing out either, that shit starts to screw with your own mental health, that's what's happening.
My ex would punch shit, though things, I can't tell you how many phones, keyboards, or laptops he broke out of his little stupid fits. He'd also talked about not wanting to be here. How if it wasn't for me or his family He'd have “checked out ” and it was selfish of US to guilt him into staying.
Honestly if I wasn't such a freaking optimistic chill person I'd have bailout much earlier… I made too many excuses, until it started really messing with me.
I finally left and gave him an ultimatum. Guess what? Instead of saying ya baby I'll do whatever it takes to fix this, the first words out of his mouth was, how could you do this to ME? What will I tell everyone?
Ya always a freaking victim or everything around him.
You deserve so much better. Yes it will be very hot. Yes it will hurt, but I promise you it will be a huge weight off your shoulders, and there is happiness on the other side.
*hugs
Nothing about this relationship is healthy l, not the age gap, the manipulation or the coercion. He doesn't get to dictate whether of not you can end things, break up with him, then leave. You don't have to stand there and listen to him shouting
Your wife sucks to hide that info from you and then spill it right before the wedding when she was pregnant. That’s next level fucked up honestly. She a cold manipulator. You never should have married her. Your kid would have been fine if you two didn’t stay together and still found happiness. Now, it’s a bit late for that. You don’t complain about any other issues so I’m assuming this is the major issue in the relationship. It’s time for therapy. You need individual therapy and you both need couples therapy. You need to learn how to work through this insecurity on your own if you want to save the marriage. Excluding yourself from her life is never going to end well. And she shouldn’t give up the friendships if she doesn’t want to. You two aren’t compatible but may be able to find common ground in therapy.
He really ought to agree to a a paternity test and stick to business only with these women.
To clarify, I am not upset that he got into a relationship. I would have supported him. It’s the fact that he insisted that he wanted to remain friends regardless of if we were sleeping together and regardless of if he was seeing someone but then immediately dropped me.
You dont seem to trust him. he told you to look through his phone and was certain that the bra was one of her sisters, and he even sent a photo of the bra to his sisters. I would definetly trust my partner if they went that far to show me i can trust them? But look, its okay. This was a stressful situation and now u know that u can trust him. Make sure u let him know that, and enjoy the relationship. Much love❤️
You seriously need therapy. I just read your post history, and it is all over the place.
One day ago you said you were in love with a guy you’ve been seeing for 4 months after ending your “toxic 7 year relationship.” Also one day ago your boyfriend of 7 years wants you to quit talking to your friends?
How old are you? I’m sorry, but I’d be shocked if you were over the age of 16. You and your relationships seem incredibly immature.
I'm always hesitant about going to court because I don't think the law will cover all the situations that might happen.
For instance, I told my son that, whenever we're not together, he can ask his mom to Facetime me. I know a handful of times she told him her cellphone “had no battery” or “the connection was slow”, so he doesn't ask her anymore. I'm sure these were lies.
What can I do in court about this? Nothing. I can't prove these small things, and they certainly make me and my son distant from each other.
Your behavior is obsessive. Is it possible you have OCD? I think you should talk to a Doctor or therapist to find out and also possibly look into anti-anxiety medication.
Beyond that, if you love and want to keep your boyfriend, you have to stop continually punishing him over a silly, harmless meme. Recognize your anxiety is your issue to deal with and deal with it.
I say this as someone who has struggled with OCD and anxiety. What you’re describing sounds very familiar. Therapy and possibly medication may be extremely helpful to you.
Good luck.
Yeah so I have zero empathy for people who drink and drive. You are NOT just putting your own life at risk, you’re putting ANYONE ELSE driving around you at risk too. Your boyfriend is being selfish.
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This! Your not the one that should be apologizing. SHE crossed a line that is not acceptable drunk or sober. If she tries to tell you you embarrassed her you need to make clear she embarrassed herself. It was even another house guest that brought your attention to her outrageous behavior
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Him! She needs to grow into her own person, his controlling actions are already beyond what many would accept. His next control is “barefoot and pregnant “.
Did you give her a chance to apologize by telling tell her it hurt you and you’d prefer she not call you that in the future? And from your other comment it sounded like she first told you she was uncomfortable but you kept doing it. Next time maybe stop staring when she says she’s uncomfortable so she doesn’t have to escalate her language for you to show you care how she feels.
As an American living in Canada who has done both, don't expect to find American healthcare any better. Expect to be broke sooner though.
He’s hiding something. Full stop.
Well when gf grows a beard you can use that comparison.
Well, did you?
This is fucking foul.
Started reading this and wanted to immediately rush to the comments and say “NO! Don’t do it!” Then I saw the edit and was very relieved.
Sounds like a crappy partner and a crappy friend
While it's true everyone evaluates their potential partners as they get to know them to see if they are compatible, and that on a level we want to see if push comes to shove that the person we choose is really invested in us, it is absolutely NOT NORMAL to pull crap like this.
Trust is something that's earned and built through and during a relationship. It isn't something to be tested with these manipulative games. (what does not responding for a days do but show there will be times he feels it normal not to get back to you for days?) And what makes him think his friend is the next sliced bread? If you weren't committed/wanted to cheat then there's no testing to prevent that. Maybe you just didn't find his friend all that special. Not insinuating you're a cheater, joint pointing out how dumb and inconclusive these ideas of his are.
And what does spurning an argument of finding a bra “test” exactly? How willing you are to put up with randomly seeing other women's clothes/evidence of cheating and to ignore/look past it?
Actually putting those pieces together (not talking for days, being loyal to not leave, and ignoring evidence of cheating) makes it REALLY seem like his actual test is to see if you'd make a good side chick for him so he can keep his options open.
Her behavior is largely not within her conscious control at this point, and not caring for her is likely to result in suicide. She isn't actively choosing to ruminate on her lack of worth. She needs experts to show her how to navigate this better and cope with what her mind is doing.
What you are missing is that he is abusive. He was nice to get you to date him. Now that you're dating he's testing boundaries to see what abuse you will accept.
This is abundantly clear by the fact that he made you keep your vent open. If he was just very hot he would have given you a jacket and close your vent. The fact that he made you keep it open shows that he wanted you to suffer.
Break up op. If he's doing stupid like this so early on he will get much much worse very fast.
Thanks for this, I agree you can appreaciate all the things that you find interested or amusing. My point is just to mind a little when liking pictures of opposite sex, is that too much to ask?
He typed that because it's an insecurity he had about his penis before. Not actually a weird take.
I read that one, too. Just terrible.
Can you give an example?
Marry a real man
Yep, this is the smartest thing you’ve said. Hope you’ve realized that your upbringing was toxic and that maybe you should be questioning any other lies that were fed to you
Thanks, probably the one and only useful advice on this whole thread ?
I’m a parent and I think OP is the a-hole here.
Yeah its sad that people get so weird of familial affection. I dont want to regret not showing my mum and dad enough love when its too late.
Doesnt really matter what he thinks does it?
If he is making you feel like rubbish then its time to take the trash out!
The fact he didn’t tell you beforehand is RIDICULOUS!! I’m glad you ended it with him!!
There's a reason for the saying: alls fair in love and war. The stakes are just to high to give her the benefit of any doubt.
If you don't want to rekindle, I'd just delete and not respond.
Be happy bruh it sucks it hurts but in a way it frees you to find someone that is matured enough not to break a boundaries and trust. At least because of her infidelity and treachery you didn't have vision loss or your car tampered with or being stalked by her partner or partners and there friends she cheated with. Some times theses situations get really crazy. I had to deal with food tampering as well why I cant even work currently it was that bad physically the damage the food/drink I had that was tampered with. My own friends was turned on me cause of her and the guy she got with cause the power he held and his group so called poly open thing she decided do and she got Prego and didn't move out so drama and harassment was that bad. So you keep ya head up there really even worse crap some do when they cheat or after being confronted. Walk tell tell her you know what she been doing. And get your ducks in a row first. Definitely if you can stomach it ask why?. Then move along and co parent if you have do so. At least you not married. I was engaged so I think back now though .I may have lost part of my eye sight and was in ER multiple times because of her choice I'm her to help warn someone else sometime got run from this stuff.Go see a counselor also if it getting to you helps to chat with someone. Things like cheating makes you think it's your fault if you doing your best you can to provide best ya can with what you have and are faithful. There no excuses to cheat. Remember it says for richer and for poorer. Infidelity is means for dismissal just about any where. Good luck and I feel ya pain.
Ohmygoodness.
So this guy is not only trickle-truthing you but obviously has cheated on you. I bet if you have more proof to bring up to him, it may get escalated…it's from getting “a lap dance” to “multiple lap dances” to “from this specific dancer” (whom he LOVED obviously, since she's so attractive, if not, why would he want her to keep grinding against him?)…then it's because 'he got to be handsy on her'…(generally, there's a 'no touching' rule–but obviously she's 'cool' with is since he's showering her $$ or the alternative was she didn't like it, but he didn't care).
If you escalate, I'm sure, it'll get 'worse,' from just him being handsy to him getting a BJ, or HJ or even full on sex. I'd say, OP, do NOT have sex with him until he has gotten STI tested and it came back clean. IF you stay with this cheater.
Even if you're cool with him getting a lap dance, consider this: He paid for MULTIPLE and possibly more, imagine him having a hard-on for hours and her grinding on him. Let's not be innocent here. He didn't go home 'blue-balled.' He got the happy ending for sure.
Don't let him turn this around on you, imagine you, getting a male stripper with a 'hardon' grinding on you for hours and you spending $450 on him, and you were touching this stripper everywhere, do you think your so-called bf would be happy to know that? Won't he think you just cheated on him?
Again, I'm asking you, what are you doing with this guy? He doesn't sound like a prize. Are you reliant on him financially? Because at this point, he doesn't sound great at all. And he cheated on you.
If its taken her this long to change her mind I wouldn't bother. There's no doubt other things at play Finances or living arrangements. There's nothing shameful about your kink. She abandoned you. Does she really deserve a 2nd chance.
You went after her dad after listening to gossip thats probably not true.
Next time, go and talk to your gf about what was said. Let her sort out her family and you focus on your relationship with her.
Its her father, not a great idea to pick a fight an unnecessary fight. If you are worried people are calling you names, go for therapy until you dont care what people think. If you treat her lovingly and with respect, fathers often come round. It sounds your reaction to useless gossip was not loving or respectful to your gf.
Uhm. Whut?
?
You’re a ? if you stay with this guy.
See this is what i found stupid, youve been dating for 6 YEARS and you didn’t consider having a serious talk about kids??? You say he has always wanted kids that means he has communicated that. Sounds like you just led him on thinking that “it’s just a phase” and he’ll come around. I honestly feel bad for him and hope you get dumped soon.
people
Very hot to say which would be better since there’s no widely accepted decorum for how you tell someone you’re flirting with/sexting that you’ve been getting off to them. If most of your sexy time stuff is over text, a text is fine. If more of it is done in person, that’s fine too. I will note that saying it in person to him is likely to be seen by him as you wanting to initiate sexual relations right then and there. If your intent is to build up more sexual tension and you aren’t yet ready to bump nasties, maybe a text is better.
Involuntary or not he was violent with her and they should be away from each other. Also abuse can start at any point. And bringing it up to him could potentially give him and excuse if it was voluntary.
Involuntary or not he was violent with her and they should be away from each other. Also abuse can start at any point. And bringing it up to him could potentially give him and excuse if it was voluntary.
I Hate Everything About You by Three Days Grace.
Lots of things going on here… but yes, you definitely need to talk to him.
I would think it’s a red flag he didn’t want to discuss this to you already. This is a big decision to make without having spoken with you first.
Assuming he goes through with it and you’re ok with that, figure out your money situation. Are you planning on paying him rent or co-signing on the property? Keep in mind that you get nothing in return if you go the “rent” route, and worst case scenario you lose that money in a breakup. Equity is good.
Money aside, it seems like the things you want are being ignored. Even if you’re living there for free, what you want still matters. If you can’t see yourself being happy in this place, or if his future doesn’t align with yours, it’s better to break it off or find an alternative now than to figure this out down the road.
She put no thought into her gift for you and was off the mark. You don't complain.
You put a lot of thought into your gift for her but was off the mark. She complains and you're the bad guy?
Two different situations.
I can see not wanting that stuff as it's more practical and less romantic. But she's being spoiled and not seeing what you did was still thoughtful. I couldn't imagine being a brat about not getting an expensive bottle of perfume (and I love the high end stuff). You put more thought into your gift and she's making a fuss because she didn't get what she wanted.
Well that's super unattractive. Tell her that and I'd pony up for a 20 dollar gift card next time (petty and unhelpful yeah but she gives it so she must see its value when she gets one too right lol). I'm sorry your day was ruined by your gf.
No one is telling you to “murder your baby”. No where in your post did you indicate you were so vehemently pro-life, and for many teenagers an abortion is the right call. My mom had me at 18 and she should have aborted me. You don’t need to get aggressive about it.
First off, abortion isn't murder. I haven't read all the comments but so far I haven't seen anyone saying you definitely should have one, people presented it as on option. Secondly, you also have the option of putting it up for adoption.
If you ask for advice, people are going to present you with the options that are out there, that's kind of what advice is. I agree that you shouldn't ask for advice if you are going to have an attitude over people giving you advice. Being a parent is very hot. Being a young parent is even harder. It's not a decision you take lightly and yes, you do have options if you want them.
Do you take your 18 yo son or daughter to a pediatrician? No. They go to an adult doctor. Young children go to pediatricians. The word is just overblown now and losing its meaning sort of like “Nazi, fascist, gaslighting, narcissist, etc.” If words are to retain their meaning they need to be used correctly.
In this post being attracted to a 19yo adult is no being a pedo. That's just clinically not correct.
This is how you want to waste the rest of your 20’s? Surely you can find something better to do than keep dating this cheating creep.
Tell him you'd prefer it if he was less hurtful
Tell him all of this. He needs to know. Even if he’s just a hookup right now, he should know that you’re uncomfortable with some of his sex behavior
I agree, I feel a lot better knowing I’m not crazy and this isn’t normal
So if I still want to be friends there’s nothing I can do. Just wait and hope that she changes her mind?
I’ve asked another friend and she’s told me it’s silly to expect her to reach out to me, which does kinda make sense to me.
You don’t have to get it. I did the same type of thing with a man who violated me, abused me, and gave me a concussion so bad I have a very hot time remembering three months of my life. I still hung out with him as a “friend” because confronting the reality of the situation was too painful.
You should really rethink your mindset if you continue working with victims of domestic violence.
Yep. I had three pregnancies, at 31,33 and 35.
First pregnancy: baby died at 18 weeks.
Second pregnancy: second trimester anatomical scan showed some abnormalities (thankfully the outcome was good and my son is perfectly healthy today)
Third pregnancy: no concerns whatsoever – baby came shooting out like a cannonball a week past his due date
Yes, certain risks increase with maternal age. But in my case, each pregnancy was progressively better than the previous one.
Hello OkPickle, I’m afraid I have no advice but I want to give you all the encouragement in the world that you are doing the right thing. It’s scary but you can do it. Follow the good advice that’s been given & godspeed to you. Be well.
You can't be in a relationship with someone you don't trust. If you don't trust him, you shouldn't be dating.
Love, please take a deep breath and understand that everything you are laying out about your current situation is a frightening picture of abuse. You are in survival mode right now and your brain has normalized all of this.
It's not normal. The comments he makes about your body are not normal (or true). They are emotionally abusive. Him controlling all of your money is not normal. That's abuse. You being frightened of talking with him about these things is not normal. It's a symptom of abuse. Him controlling what you eat is not normal. That is abuse. Him cutting you off from family and friends is textbook abuse (and no, it is not normal for adults to have no friends).
You are in an abusive relationship. It's not your fault. He wants you to feel that it is, that you deserve this treatment. He doesn't want you to trust yourself. He doesn't want you to know that you can get yourself and your babies out of this nightmare. But you can. And you deserve to. I know it's scary and because your brain has normalized this situation you may not even think it is necessary. That's a full on trauma response. But it is necessary for you to get out of this situation. Him denying you food IS physical abuse. All of the things he is doing to you are abusive behaviors. And you do NOT deserve that. Nor do your babies.
Call the domestic violence hotline and start making a plan. You CAN change this situation and you need to start making a plan to do so before it gets even worse.
Oh yeah they definitely were not. When I told them that to explain why I was blocking them they got so offended lmao. Sorry that I’m a different type of person ig?? That group you’re in sounds super fun though and WAY more my speed than spending a Friday bar hopping lol
If you can't be adult enough to tell him you're pregnant then you are not adult enough to be a single mom. Life is going to be very hot! Telling him your pregnant will be the easiest thing you do in this new journey.
OP’s friend needs to mind her own business.
Since some of the content is intimate, methinks OP should have asked her father first, as these tapes are really his.
So you are getting he doesn’t want to meet up?
Let Lola lead the way. If she’s comfortable calling you Dad, see it as a sign that you’re doing great. That’s a co-parenting win, in my books. She can have two dads in her life. It’s just more love.
Yeah this family is literal garbage.
They're also fictional.
Do you want to on-line like this forever? She’s told you nothings going to change.
You’re 21, an adult who’s allowed to have a boyfriend. “I have a boyfriend who I’d really like for you to meet.”
“She didn't tell me she's trans, she literally took my hand in her hand and put my hand down her pants until I touched her penis with zero context or warning.”
It is. She is a grown ass woman. If she had a problem with OP’s father she needs to just be up front and tell him instead of going in circles with this nonsense.
I am so very sorry you are in the middle of this shyt storm. Your post was heart breaking to read.
Ma'am, at this point, this will all have to play out as it must. That which was set in motion decades ago and has been covered up by your Mom is now fully exposed to the light. None of this is your fault. None of it, and you cannot control it.
“How can I get her to stop clinging to my dad? How do I get her to accept that he's leaving her?”
You cannot parent your parents. All you can do, and need to do, is look after yourself and help with your siblings. Are you able to get therapy to help you deal with the severe trauma of this and get tools to be able to cope? Do you have other family members (Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins) you can confide in? YOU need to stay healthy. YOU need support.
A note on your Mom. Yes, there are other very unlikely reasons that you do not share your Dads DNA, but far more likely is that she had an affair and kept it a deep dark secret all these years. Stories exactly like this pepper the pages of Reddit. For many of those who do cheat, the weight of their betrayal is too much to face when it comes to light. They go into a denial that is not that which you would find in a psychologically healthy individual. They begin to on-line in an altered state of mind. This is what I believe you are encountering with your Mom.
As to your Dad, he is experiencing rage/shock/sorrow at a level that overwhelms the soul. Rule of thumb is that it takes years for majorative healing to take place. I feel deeply for him as well.
Again, breath, eat well, hydrate, get sleep, exercise and bring people around you for support.
Peace and strength to you.
Church, grocery stores, volunteer opportunities such as a hospital, community events & local celebrations…
You can meet people anywhere and everywhere. You just need to get out there.
She did this for her own safety.
I did not like my ring and I told my husband.
As you said, it’s something you have to wear everyday. You should like it. It shouldn’t make you upset to show people.
Marriages are very hot. Communication is very hot. If you can’t communicate about this…. How will you communicate about more important things in the future?
Sit your fiancé down. Tell him you love him and can’t wait to spend your life with him. However, you are unhappy with your ring and you are hoping you guys can work together and communicate to resolve the issue and get you a ring that makes you smile when you look at it.
His feelings might be hurt. But again, that is going to happen sometimes. Be gentle. But be honest
It's ok for him to be upset. Fear and feelings spur change.
You need two things here, fool proof birth control (in particular birth control that he can't tamper with) and a divorce lawyer. He will only get more abusive with time.
What coaching videos are you watching?? Leave her alone. She knows how to find you.
i have a really, really very hot time believing that an official CMS letter was literally the first time he found out about the baby’s existence, especially if this woman is in his social sphere (well, adjacent to it at least if she’s a friend of a friend). he probably knew/heard about the pregnancy and figured he could hide the knowledge until something forced his hand (child support obligations)
Yes it’s a valid reason.
Nothing is wrong with either of your choices, you just have very different ideas of how to enjoy your leisurely time. It’s okay to want a relationship with more common interests, or one where one of you won’t always be compromising.
Be honest, be direct. Tell her the truth, you weren't happy in the relationship, it's over and it's time to move on. Then ask her not to show up at your work anymore as it is inappropriate. If she shows up again, have your manager/security ask her to leave.
I replied nevertheless to give you indirectly feedback on how this should be a no-brainer for you as you have to value your own well-being over such an irrelevant person
He’s not interested in 50/50.
I would most likely do this, because it is so irritating every time he texts and tries to know what's going on in my life in details like all he does is ask questions and she knows how he is too yet I am surprised that the moment I set my boundaries I'll surely be made the bad guy or bitch here.
That’s why I said she should take only her part of it.
It doesn’t appeal to him because they won’t/ don’t put up with this stupid shit. Younger women are naive. There are plenty of women out there looking for relaxed relationships, they don’t want this guy.