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Date: October 10, 2022
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due to past trauma stuff, I'm like that with most everyone. I mask it to not seem like a sociopath and I genuinely feel bad at times about how i feel about others.
Your fear that she might relapse is pretty reasonable. That happens. Staying with her is a risk that you'll be having a version of this experience again. The only way to avoid it is to leave her. Only you can decide if the risk is worth it.
First things first, get your living situation figured out. Get that lease sorted or move elsewhere, but make sure that you don't end up homeless.
Understand that you won't get any closure from her. It utterly sucks, mainly because all this “you need to find closure in yourself”-advise is pretty much impossible to do, but it's the truth. What she did was morally (likely) messed up, but she doesn't legally owe you any explanation. Someone can break up with you for any reason whatsoever – even if the reason is just “I don't want to be with you anymore”.
Understand that she might not have percieved your fights like you did. If you had the cops called on you during a fight, that says quite a bit about how your fights went. I don't know her or you, but maybe she felt like ending it this way because she was scared that things might turn violent if she would break up with you? It sounds like your fights were pretty intense, after all.
You should not ever get back together with someone who is spreading lies which could ruin your career. Look into getting legal advice if this keeps up – her friends might have all blocked you because they might have heard the same story about violence, after all.
it is highly likely it was just as hidden from her.
having talked to a lady this happened to she said
Everything in life told me relationships were naked, you just had to work at them, loads of women joke that men are gross, so even that didn't put me off. I mean everyone has girl crushes at school right?
I was only asking a question, you didn’t need to attack me like that.
My guess would be that the cops were blowing off the robbery because there was nothing they can do about that and she didn't have high hopes that betraying her partner's trust would actually result in the rapist being punished.
Have some self respect lmao…
It won't be a one time thing. If you insist on forgiving her then set naked boundaries she needs to stop drinking if she can't control herself.
Yes. He doesn't want the speak to you and that's his choice which you should respect.
Yep internalized misogyny, that got triggered by his tactless and shitty comment. What would help is first identify then limit exposure to people, groups, and media that reinforce shit attitudes like that. Then build self worth. You do that by figuring out what you value about yourself as a person that has nothing to do with age. Then build on those traits and skills and find people that value that about you and spend time with them more often. Look for couples that are of similar age and are in their twilight to reinforce that similar age relationships work out fine. The more you can surround yourself with healthy role models and people that value women due to their skills and/or traits rather than age or beauty, the more the internal misogyny will fade, but it takes time. Good luck.
I don’t know much, but it seems like she could be hiding something. Doesn’t mean it’s what you think.
There’s no soft way to ask without coming off insecure, jealous etc.. so if you ask, just ask…just know you’re opening Pandora’s box.
But you have to know this. You either trust her, or you don’t. It only gets more complicated from here, not less. You are both young so starting off with trust issues is not good. It only compounds.
So the real question should be, should i stay with someone i presumably can’t trust? You can’t be happy that way and she definitely won’t be happy feeling like you don’t trust her. Tread lightly and assess why you think you can’t trust her. Has she actually broken your trust? Or is it all in your head?
Good luck
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agreed. THANK you. lol. i’ve seen plenty of people have kids while already owning dogs. it’s like the american dream. as long as their is supervision around the dog and children, i don’t see an issue.
Chris Rock said it best in his song “No sex in the champagne room”
“If You're been dating a [woman] for four months and you haven't met any of her friends? You are not her boyfriend.”
You are the side piece im afraid 🙁
Reddit is very dramatic I see.
Blows my mind that we are in 2023 and we have people so immature to hate on how a body is naturally.
Some places circumcise woman and we call it genital mutilation.
I could care less if you are cut or not but blows my mind that people are this immature at this point in history and that in his own marriage his partner is this immature and unaware of her partners feelings and self-image.
Also not sure were dude lives or who he has been around. I have plenty of friends that I know are not cut and they have no problems with gorgeous cool ass woman but maybe because they are dealing with better quality people in general.
What do you mean your “efforts have gone in vain”?? You didn’t “wait” for anything, you just couldn’t get with anyone. No shame in being late to the game but don’t pose as if it was some noble effort on your part.
Do you even know the context for every single one of these encounters? Not that there’s anything wrong with sleeping around, but maybe she wasn’t sleeping around. Like maybe most of these guys approached her seeming like they wanna date but they only used her for sex. Maybe she slept around to fill a void inside her because she didn’t know how to deal with her emotions, but she’s didn’t “have fun” at all. Maybe she just likes sex and that’s completely fine and not an insult to your singlehood so far.
I don’t think it’s about letting the past stay in the past. I think it’s about changing your narrow outlook on what sex means.
Have you seen the picture of the condom on a leg…it went over the calf.
So, the literal words you said really aren't going to describe the 'how you said it' which is what they picked up on.
Were you smiling, not smiling. Did you make eye contact or not. Did you grip his hand tightly in a handshake, or not. Did you wrap your around her, or not. Was your voice higher or lower pitched than usual, did you talk fast or slow, all of that comes up in your tone.
Anxiety tends to tense you up and and trigger a lot of the things that make you seem more closed off and cold. So it's likely you came off that way without meaning to and their reactions are valid to the tone you seemed to have at the time.
You are kind of in the 'wrong' here in that you accidentally came off in a way you didn't intend and should apologize and try to come off better, both to your gf and this guy if you happen to encounter him again.
However, given the overall tone of this post and the fact you got so anxious in the first place, you likely have other trust issues to work out on top of this single instance. The gf at least is probably responding to those issues as well as this exact moment and is letting those issues set the context of the moment.
Either way, you need to do a better job communicating all around. Some key points that I'm calling out in your post:
You've shared locations with each other You waited an hour when you knew she was just around the corner and could have just gone and said hey whenever (assuming she consented to you dropping in on her like that) It seems to be a big deal to you that she hasn't told the guy that she's dating someone – a potentially valid feeling, but I get the sense you're telling reddit this feeling more than you're telling her this feeling You 'left it at that' implying that you don't believe her – trust issue You know she's spending time with a friend but you keep shooting her messages anyway – isn't it a bit rude to constantly be on your phone when you're hanging out with someone? What did you have to say that was so important? At this point I wonder if she even agreed to you 'popping by' in the first place or whether you just kind of pressured on her and she went with it and leaving her phone off was her kind of way of resisting.
Of course, she could be cheating on you with this guy, or wanting to, who knows. The possibility is there. But the possibility is also always going to be there, so, you have to decide whether this is a woman you trust or not.
You might want to speak with a therapist about this. Not saying anything bad about you but it might help you sort out your own feelings and give you better communication skills.
Thank you sm man. Just needed someone to hear me out
Kudos for you for telling him but yeah your relationship is probably over. Long distance relationships are tough but cheating is cheating regardless. Wait for him to text you and give it time. In the meantime I suggest finding some type of distraction or hobby. If he doesn't communicate with you for a month then get the closure of the break-up so you can begin healing and forgiving yourself. There is nothing else you can do, you can't atone for something like this so things can be made right.
If we’re going on journeys to investigate fictional characters, why does it have to be god? Why not Dumbledore or SpongeBob?
Lol you're trying so naked, isn't your username a rape joke? Did you make that in high school or are you as corny as OP?
Hate this attitude of “you don't love me unless you sacrifice something you love for me.”
You have some growing up to do still. Lose the jealousy of her past as there is nothing she or you can do to change that. So get over it.
Most likely not.
But that the advantage OP has. He is not in a relationship, he is just casual seeing this dude. If he loses interest there is far less at stake compared to a relationship
OMG!!!! This just brought tears to my eyes! Everyone keeps telling me this, even my therapist but its just so naked for me. Its very hot to think that someone I loved and trusted could be this way. It amazes me that I have only shared a snippet of my experiencecs and you are able to see the gaslighting, manipulation and the emotional abuse I experience.
I obtained a lawyer to file uncontested because he said he agreed to everything in the papers but now he want review or sign them. I am in the process of saving for a full retainer fee so I can get this over with and hopefully have full custody of my kids.
Cute how you edited your post/ you said you thought she was Canadian bc she spelled rumours the “Canadian way”. I was simply pointing out that the spelling is not solely Canadian, thus a weird assumption she is Canadian, particularly as you further say custody laws are strict in canada.
I mean, I’d guess he could tell from the photos
I mean you followed her that day. Your parents immediately explained to you what was going on. They didn’t tell you because… I mean you cut them out of your life when you found out. They are your parents, they are the people who raised you. You don’t have to talk to them if you don’t want, but you need therapy to get you to stop blaming them for your feelings about their relationship.
I didn't exactly walk away. It's my house. Took almost a year to have her removed because she wasn't technically a tenant, couldn't evict. She didn't have enough money to move, just enough to buy weed and toys for “her new place.”
She finally left last week, today would be our four year anniversary.
Yeah he’s a bit delusional for this take and sounds like a bit of an asshole for not realising that his gf is sacrificing her security and happiness to try and make his sexual need met.
No, not suicide. Sorry for being unclear. He’s saying that because I blocked the door by sitting in front of it, I kept him hostage and he felt unsafe.
Yeah I’ve asked for a break too. He has a rental he can move into. He didn’t want to do it. Counseling wise he thinks he’s fine and doesn’t need counseling. He’s rather me go alone to work through my feelings
Your friend is right
She left without I tell to her. Sounds like End of the story
I see , it does make sense tbh but how she kept him hidden from in all this time maybe he doesn't know about me and her getting mad at me for wanting to talk with him is because he doesn't know and I'll ruin it for her
I think you mean his families years of exploiting other people, cause that kind of wealth doesn’t just ethically happen
I think you mean his families years of exploiting other people, cause that kind of wealth doesn’t just ethically happen
That’s not a political view, this is psychosis.
Or… maybe… these women care about what men have to go through and don’t immediately think they are retards. Like you
He did know she was pregnant though. He said he thought she’d get an abortion. Ffs he’s the one in the wrong.
I gave a guy who is prolly 20 years older than me, my insta. Never accepted his follow. Often a man wont handle a no very well and we try to handle it safely. Her taking his number is a lot safer than her saying she's engaged or her giving him her number.
No need of validation? What you go on to describe is totally the opposite of this.
This is not an armchair diagnosis, since we will all interpret the situation based on our own experiences. But to me, if we assume your second point is what is happening here, her behaviour sounds like automatic mode/fight or flight/crisis mode. Whatever you want to call it.
I would guess the wife is in flight mode. It is the complete unwillingness to talk about her decision or her feelings, the collected “we will do this by the book and that's it, period”, the apparent calmness and kindness – paired with her “burn it down” comments such as “if you drag this out [through demanding separation before divorce] I will hate you forever”, and the sudden decision to move across the country to a family that is deeply religious when she herself left that religion years ago, that makes me suspect it. Because if there were no underlying issues in the relationship, her reaction is both disproportional and out of character for her (based on OPs comments).
I've seen it happen to myself and people around me many times, so that was my immediate thought. It obviously might be completely wrong, but I just thought I'd throw that possibility in the ring as an add-on to your second point.
Definitely not overthinking, he sounds scary, and honestly doesn’t sound like a nice guy
t since I was raised to not eat pork. I’ve eaten it a few times by accident and it’s whatever, it doesn’t cause me any stress or guilt. Just never was curious to try it growing up. On the other hand, my siblings both eat pork now and don’t feel weird at all about it. I don’t think it’ll do any type of lasting damage to raise them this way
If the kid has their own natural curiousity to try something, then should they be allowed? I personally think yes. Like don’t offer it, but if they ask to try have a quick di
Thanks so much from your reply!!!! This was super helpful. How did they tell you not to eat pork as a kid? They just told you it's forbidden or did they let you taste? Just wondering how to go about this “ban” that I'm a bit uneasy about. Did your mom mind it at all that your dad ordered pork?
Also did you have separate pots/utensils etc for pork in your home?
This is not the guy for you. Do yourself a favor and move on. You deserve better.
Sure you can ask him out, only if you are truly ready for what can happen. like if he says no, will you be ok with the relationship changing and maybe being awkward for awhile? if he says no and asks for space are you prepared for that?
Maybe before asking him out bring up the subject of the hypothetical you two being an item. Or ask him if he has ever considered asking you out.
Maybe all this time he has also been into you , but was afraid you would think he was only your friend because he wanted something more from you and not just friendship.
and sometimes friendships , true friendships, can be much more rewarding than romantic relationships. and yes of course being friends with a romantic partner is a given, but if you have known each other this long and there has been no real indication of romantic sparks I would also pay attention to that and not try and force something romantic.
whatever you decide, good luck! navigating the friends to romantic partners can be tricky sometimes.