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MaskedExpat, y.o.
Location: Caribbean
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Date: November 1, 2022
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Fair point
Had something similar-y. When I broke up with my ex, he had told me he was thinking of doing all the things that I’d been asking him to do more or at all- going down on me, visiting my family and coming to family events with me. This was after 6.5 years of dating. He’d gone down on me 2x, and a small handful of visits to my parents and only once to thanksgiving. I didn’t want him to do these either cuz I was leaving him, or that I’d been away for a month, (cuz of the pandemic) I wanted him to do these things without me asking for the most part. Saying you’d do x thing because they’re breaking up with you is…. Eh
there's some argument over whether the age gap means something, and you comment yourself that “this isn't your typical age gap relationship”. and in some ways it isn't; most couples that you think of are “typical” are young 20s with mid-40s+. but I think context is important. you say “colleague” but is he really a colleague, or is he in a position of power over you? also, while one of the points usually made about age gaps is that the younger person is much younger, naive, and taken advantage of, that doesn't mean it applies to you. you're in your late 20s, and I'm not trying to call you naive or insult your intelligence. I think that regardless, he is older and has more life experience. which can be either good or bad. one of the other most common comments about age gaps is that there's a reason the older person isn't dating someone their own age. which is, again, not to insult people in their late 20s (as I am also in my mid-late 20s lol), but it's not meaningless either. you're both at ages where you should be in different places in life, not in a bad way but just because that's how life goes. and a lot of gross men think of women in their 20s as some trophy and someone that they can use. it sucks, but it happens.
I dated a woman who was in her 40s when I was in my young 20s. at the time I was adamant that I was an adult, old enough to make my own decisions, and the age gap was meaningless. I have always hated being treated like a child/like I'm too young or not mature enough. I also figured since she was a woman and it was a gay relationship that it didn't mean the same thing as men were much more likely to be gross towards younger women (a stupid thought, I know). we were also coworkers. she was my boss for a short time before I got promoted. she was also significantly more emotionally immature than me. and she treated me like shit for years. the age gap didn't matter to her unless she wanted to belittle me for being younger than her. looking back, I realize what a moron I was. as upsetting as it is, I think it's good for me to admit that perhaps I really was just that young and naive.
and, to be quite frank, interpreting that call as anything innocent is naive. I'm not trying to be mean, but it just honestly is. I've made plenty of decisions out of love and naïveté, so I get it, but it doesn't make it untrue.
I'm often hesitant to jump on the age gap bandwagon as, to be perfectly honest with you, I am still pretty much exclusively attracted to women significantly older than me. and I do think that if the younger person isn't a newly-minted adult that it's only applicable in some contexts. but I think that the situations in which it is still problematic often involve relationships with multiple other issues, including a possible power imbalance.
and to be honest with you, regardless of whether or not the age gap is a problem, the issue you've posted about is a problem and it's not one you should ignore. you're getting a gut feeling for a reason. try to think of some of the other things he has said and done that might give you that feeling. or think of it this way, if a good friend of yours was dating this guy instead of you, the relationship was the same, and she told you all about it, would you be happy for her or upset for her? would you tell her to stay or tell her to leave?
Yeah, break up with the immature drunk idiot!! You deserve better!