Okay, so I’ll try to keep this short and to the point (something I’m absolutely dogshit at doing). I have been with my fiancé for over 4 years now. I just proposed in February. My fiancé had a work friend that we’ll call Tom. It was pretty clear to me from the start that Tom was into her, and had more than a platonic interest. I’m a jealous person, but that’s because A) I don’t trust men and B) I was cheated on by my ex of 3 years. Now it’s worth mentioning that both my ex and my current partner struggle with body dysmorphia, depression, and just general self-love. My fiancé also has Asperger’s, which is only a relevant detail because lack of empathy and miscommunication has lead to a lot of our friction and fights.
It seems that I definitely have a type of person that I gravitate to, and the unfortunate side effect here is that at some point in the relationship my love and validation isn’t enough and the cracks start to show. It’s no secret that you can only work so hot to make somebody happy, but if they aren’t happy with themselves then it will never be enough.
So, a few weeks back my fiancé and I got into some pretty bad arguments. And she told me that she hadn’t been feeling loved, or more specifically that I wasn’t complementing and flirting with her enough. Now, to some extent that is true because I’ve never been one to complement gratuitously. I don’t know why, I think all of the sweet or romantic things in my head but I just don’t always vocalize them. This is something I have been actively working to change though and be better about.
Anyways, after our argument she went to hang out at her friend Tom’s place. Everything seemed normal, and she just went over for a few hours then came home. Things returned to normal for us and seemed pretty great for a few weeks. The only thing of note was that she had a falling out with Tom over something seemingly insignificant (he was getting a new job and she told a few people around their office). After they fought about this she ended up blocking him. And honestly they weren’t great friends, and she was admittedly using him for edibles, so I thought so long and better off without him.
But a few days ago I received a DM on insta from Tom where he told me that the last night she hung out with him at his place, she cheated on me with him. I figured he was just talking shit and wanting to get back at her with some petty lie. So I asked her about it and she denied it outright. I had no reason to believe this creepy guy’s words over my fiancé’s at this point so we moved on and I blocked him on Insta
But today he called me my office to try and talk to me. So I started to get curious. Basically, I thought if he has nothing truly damning to say, and he has no evidence of this incident then it should be a quick “fuck off and leave us alone” convo. I throw this idea out to my fiancé, and start to ask a little more prodding questions about that night. And that’s when she admits that something did happen. She got super drunk, made out with him, and then gave him head.
I have tried so hard to make this relationship work with her. And it has been one of the most challenging things I’ve ever done. But ultimately, I loved her and would have done anything to keep us together. And now I feel so betrayed, hollow, and just stupid for falling in love with somebody who didn’t love themselves and could never fully give me the love I need and deserve. She feels terrible, has been crying nonstop (me too), and I know she feels genuine remorse. But I’m so angry with her. She wants to go to couples therapy and try and work through this. But I don’t think I have it in me to forgive her for this. It hurts too much. She has shattered my fucking heart.
Wow, that’s wasn’t brief at all. TLDR; My fiancé cheated, lied about it, and now wants to try and work through it in therapy. I don’t know what to do.
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Are you prepared to give up your free time, energy, and health becoming his brother’s carer?
Is your partner going to cook the extra meals? Help him with bathing? Toileting? Getting dressed? Grooming – combing hair, trimming a beard or shaving? Is your partner going to give up his things to make space so his brother can easily get around, or is he going to want you to give up things? If he does do all of this, is he going to resent you?
If the brother has had his parents caring for him, is your partner planning on working from home to care for him? Or, because you’re a woman, will you be expected to give up your career to stay home with him? Will you have to work from home and juggle his brother? Will you watch him leave for work most every day and leave your apartment, while you are basically stuck working and taking care of a man you aren’t related or married to? Will you resent him? Both of them?
I don’t know the answers to those questions and I doubt you do either. They sound selfish, and they are, but you need to look at the big picture. This will be the rest of your twenties at least, if not longer. Think really hot about the answers. Being a martyr for love isn’t going to keep a relationship healthy. You either need to know exactly what you’re getting into or get out of it.
Sounds like the only logical event that occurred