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let’s dance [666 tokens remaining]
Date: November 6, 2022
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I tend to agree with you. I’ve told him before that I feel like I’m not important when he’s, say, an hour later than expected – even if it was just to come to my place. I am busy and if I’m always waiting for him, it’s time I could have used to do other things.
I think he gets it. But he just seems to think about time differently. He calculates based on best case scenario. I calculate to avoid lateness and pissing other people off!
I hope it doesn’t get to dealbreaker status, but you key be right.
Thanks for your input. Her descriptions are correct.
Are you saying I might have adhd or am I misunderstanding? What makes you think that? Interesting that you say so
I just saw the edit and how is “telling him that it’s never going to happen” not telling him that she knows about his feelings? I really think that she just likes the attention that she’s getting from the coworker and wants more attention from you, that’s why he ask you to tell him off. I’m really pissed that she thinks that it’s okay to treat you like that, I will really have a conversation about not being around him, because your like or not, she does like that attention and doesn’t want to give it up.
Sounds like she wants a codependent relationship. You dodged a bullet bro
Yes! Sorry if my writing is all over the place.
I could care the least about it. It's actually hot. So long as you don't start buying dildos. Not because I'm insecure. Ik what I can and can't do. But if you start buying big dildos and using them and start to push me away. It's a clear message you are looking for something other than me. You do you, go find yourself a man that can satisfy you if all you are looking for is sex. If you share the pleasure and play with me and your toys at the same time then it's a good thing. But don't give me hints that there is a chance you're gonna take off with another man because of dick size.
Possibly, but I would only worry about that if your breakup was ugly. Also, if she were worried about losing her friendship with your ex more than never taking initiative to act on her feelings for you – I don't think she would have told you after all these years. As far as work goes if you have an hr department you could give them a heads up about possible friction between you and your coworker provided they don't have a policy against fraternization.
I get that that is a tough situation, but I don’t agree with the argument that not talking to an ex is more important than figuring out if you have a child you don’t know about.
If I were him and thought I might have more children out there I didn’t know about, no amount of jealousy from a current partner could stop me from trying to figure that out.
Because they were looking at each other’s piercings. They weren’t looking at each other’s boobs. There wasn’t anything sexual about it. My friend showed me her nipple piercing once and another friend was in the room when I got mine pierced. At zero point were we checking each other’s tits out.
I guess I’m not super clear on the problem. Are “all of the things you want to do” living in new places, buying a house and settling down? These are financial goals, for the most part. Choose a job with some travel and save your money.
I wouldn't call it “grooming”, per se, but you should definitely not meet up irl. It would probably be best to break it off. INFO: has he ever expressed any interest in pursuing a romantic relationship with you?
Check again
This. And it’s not just military men. I struggle with this too. It’s a general thoughtlessness. I’m not asking for a full blown conversation when you’re busy, but some acknowledgement doesn’t take but a few seconds. And what really kills me is often if it’s the other way around the dudes that do this kind of thing to me get all butt hurt if the same is done to them. Very irritating and imo there is more to this story than a simple I didn’t txt my gf on WhatsApp today so she broke up with me. There’s gotta be some kind of trail of little issues leading up to this for OP.
Reduced inhibitions may have allowed “that” to come to the surface or maybe you got a little extra something in a drink.
Dial back the partying for a bit – no drinking, et al- until you figure it out.
be careful & good luck
Yeah Idk….at the end of the day, I wouldn't support my husband or son's attempts to join that order. You are the company you keep and anyone who says otherwise is on a heavy dose of copium and denial. For example, in 2009,an article about the freemasons in Georgia where the “worshipful master” was upset that a “non-white” man had been admitted to their ranks. You can read it for yourself, but 1.) they call their leaders “worshipful master?” and 2.) They are racist.
Also, their initiation practices are dangerous. In 2004 the NYT reported an elder had a gun with blanks in his pocket along with a gun that had five rounds. The initiation was to mimic “walking the plank” for the men there (wow sounds safe, mimicking death and fear and intimidation!) and ended up shooting a 46 year old member in the face (oops!).
Bottom line, you can't force him to do anything….but you can also choose to not support it. I would also try to bring as many factual pieces of evidence about the lawsuits and controversy this society has faced in it's history and emphasize asking if that is really the side of history he wants to be on? If at the end of the day, he sees all the evidence of the order being corrupt, yet still wants to join, then that is on him. Whether this is a deal breaker for you or not is something you'll have to decide. If you can ignore it and let him do his thing, then that's what you should do.
I’m very intelligent. Book smart, SAT, good memory, math, etc. I can’t figure out how to open a stroller or remember how to make the drill work. I also don’t understand how planes fly.
It does bug me sometimes that my husband does understand things and I have to explain over and over. But he understands physics and is good at getting them to come down on the price of the car warranty an amazing amount.
True.
i used to have a default crush i went back to everytime i was single. literally. it was hell. he was this footballer guy that was extremely popular and charming. we used to flirt a lot and then school ended and we went separate ways. i could never get over him fully though.
believe me, you'll always like him more than he likes you. you've had a crush on him for so long and he only NOW started showing you attention. its gonna end up with you chasing him when he shows you the littlest attention. its not worth ruining your current relationship over.
This is why I think people should date a bunch different people when they are young. So you can figure out what you are looking for in a spouse.
I am just blown away at people being under 21 and saying they have been with their partner 6 years and such – I am just like why? why would you do that? I and I have been married almost 30 years (happily). My husband and I were not each other's only relationships.
People should act married when they get married. If you aren't going to get married why date someone for 2 or 5 or 10 years if you have no intention of getting married. Move on.
blocking a friend because you're “over” them is complete asshole behaviour
Vasectomy. You had your procedure. He gets his. But otherwise therapy. I’m right there with you. Taking pregnancy tests 3 weeks after sex because what if the condom and my IUD failed. Realistically you should also be working on your anxiety in therapy because it’s a hinderance to your life. Your husband can go kick rocks
Also are you trading off on putting the baby to bed at night ?
I haven’t threatened these things.
I told tell him (in a very different context) about how many years before I met him, I attempted suicide once. I did reassure him I have worked on myself since. I have medication, I go to therapy, etc.
The sanctity of marriage strongly implies that both people entered the marriage willingly, and honestly, knowing what they needed to know to make the commitment.
No offense, but how do you rate the sanctity of your marriage in a scale of 1 to 10, when you may only be in the marriage because you were lied to?
The woman you married isn’t even a part of your marriage. You married someone who didn’t cheat on you, only to find out now that you’re actually married to someone who not only cheated on you, but went out to see if the grass was greener keeping you on hole as a backup plan.
I’d be fucking pissed off to find out what you found out.
What’s the rest of your day to day life with her life?
Your boyfriend is a piece of shit If you stay he’s going to seriously mess you up. It’s worrying that you are beginning to feel shame. There’s nothing for you to be ashamed about. He’s going to abuse you.
Thanks, I do my best.
Honestly, I don't see the joke.
But other than the “catholic church is bad” bit, the rest of it is legit. I'm crazy about my girlfriend but the way she's presenting herself is killing my physical attraction to her. The rest of her I'm still all about. I'm trying to see if there is a way to address the physical part.
Time to hit the road
It’s also very easy to photoshop a document saying you’re pregnant.
You should block him and and go no-contact. Parting on good terms doesn't mean you should try to be friends.
If you're afraid of losing her forever due to this breakup, you should be even more afraid of losing her due to the stress of trying to satisfy your needs in a long distance relationship that she doesn't want. If she ever keeps coming back to you, it will be because she's attracted to you, and because you treat her like a person whose judgment you respect.
True but that doesn’t mean that there isn’t consequences for her actions. By having a relationship with her dad, it’s straining and damaging the relationship with the mom beyond repair at this point. Honestly it would probably be best for everyone involved if OP’s mother does peace out, and goes no contact with everyone involved.
No such thing as wifey material
You are old enough now to save yourself. It sucks that no one saved you from him when you were a kid- they should have. Take matters into your own hands. Get a job with direct deposit so he can't rob you. Save up and move away ASAP.
My hesitation is based on the fact that it only happens when im not there
Yes, having cheated on the first place.
I only agreed because she said that’s the only way she’ll come back. There is no room for a new child
No it’s not
I don't believe him when he says you are an exception and you shouldn't either. Also, there is no glory in being “not like the other .”
Op, you realize that men who exhibit those sorts of ideas have a higher rate of murdering their female partner right?
This is “leave him” bad.
Tell your dad to stop being a snowflake
Move on from her, cheaters aren’t worth it
No one in my house uses top sheets, however, every bed has a mattress protector on it, because humans sweat and leave skin flakes behind (an 8 year old mattress is pounds heavier because of the sweat and skin in it). My teenagers think it's gross to not have a mattress protector.
Because I know that's what everyone will say. And I know it's a good idea but I want other perspectives before we go ahead with that. He doesn't believe so much in therapy so I am holding off on that unless I feel we are on the brink. At this point, I am still hoping for other answers besides that generic albeit valid response. Like someone is in this type of relationship could tell me whether separate meals and activities severely debilitate(d) their relationship? As an example.
If someone did this without my consent I would think they're a fucking freak. But tbh the fact you want to do something so outlands after dating this guy for only two months? Yeah, weirdo behavior imo.
You basically opened a pandoras box when you blasted her on social media, bro. She broke your trust and you broke hers. Even if y’all become friends again, it’s never gonna be the same lol.
I would not spend a dime on his mortgage, and that’s what it is because of the paper he had you sign, his mortgage.
So… where do you draw the line?
1 hour? That’s a FUCK TON of time you could spend talking with your actual husband…
What about her exams? What if it will affect it? I would hate to be the reason that she fails
Your girlfriend is a sicko and a selfish, immature jerk.
Block her number and never speak to her again.
If you live there then tell his grandma to let you in or go with the police but I suggest to start looking for another place to live!.
The mother isn't obligated. But declaring such an ultimatum is shitty.
Why would he do this?
Because he's a horrible person who rapes people.
I would just like to know what I did wrong, its eating me up.
You didn't do anything wrong. It's concerning that you think you did. I suggest looking for a mental health professional who specializes in treating victims of sexual assault.
3 people equal 3 shares, so she pays 1/3, you pay 1/3 and he pays 1/3.
Yeah, he got you on the hook is what changed. He didn’t take your question seriously (why? Late 30s and family somehow didn’t occur to him?) but now that you are committed he’s telling you what’s kind of wife he expects you to be. The kind that takes direction from him, and whose career is a 7 months later afterthought for him. Not a good look.
Why were you love bombing her?
Lmao you don't even know us ? sorry you're triggered but don't project your issues onto me
If she's being honest, she doesn't think she deserves you. There's nothing to fix, there's no fighting or crying, so she doesn't believe it's real. It sounds really dumb but trust me, when it's all you've known, good things really do seem “too good to be true”.
Personally, I'd love to have an orgasm from a regular massage. A guy usually has to go to a certain type of massage parlor for that though.
twice a day?!
Can't he find look for jobs in photography? There must be jobs where he can at least earn something. And the experience is never a bad thing. If he can't or won't do that, you might be fed up with his dedication to his art. Could be he becomes famous one day. But even Annie Leibovitz worked for money. So did most photographers.
Since when is lunch cheating?
Does she pay?
You have zero evidence of cheating. Although it may be inappropriate (if he's an Ex).
She will brush this off by saying it's just lunch with a friend.
as a woman also approaching 30 I understand where you are coming from. I’m 28- and I had a manic episode which lasted almost all year of me cutting guys off from the jump that weren’t emotionally available.
It’s very scary nearing 30 and majority of your friends current and from your past are in healthy relationships and/or engaged or married and some with children.
The biological clock is ticking. You have invested a considerable amount of time with this man. If you dump him there will be a period of needing to stay single to heal.
Here’s a chart-
29 now You dump him.
1 year of going back and forth and healing.
1 year of really getting back out there.
Now you’re… 31 you’ve met a couple of serious contenders.
You have 3 years left before you are considered a geriatric pregnancy. You pick one.
31.5 and 6 months into dating a really nice guy- he finally asks to take things to the next level. You become the GF you meet the family, he meets yours.
32/33
You move in together. Now it’s best to spend at least a year together to see if you’re compatible for marriage. Congrats you are.
33
He pops the question after living together for a year. Wants a long engagement. Also best to live an additional year together under the stress of putting together a wedding to see how you handle problem solving as a team.
Now you’re 34 and geriatric Newlyweds. Don’t you want to enjoy your husband for a few years before popping out children?
Now you’re 37 total geriatric pregnancy maybe even IVF recommended
I get it girl- this was the manic thinking I felt all last year. But what I realized is- this thinking will drive you crazy.
this sort of thinking will make you miss out on all of the memories you can be creating right now. these memories of your now should be those of love and beauty and evolution with a partner by your side who loves and respects you.
Dump him now.
Sooner the better. And kids will come when they are meant. And the good man you deserve that will be your future husband and future father of your children will come to you at the divine time and he will love you like no other…and one day in the future…you’ll wake up in the morning as the sunlight peaks through your curtains…the birds are chirping…and as you roll over…your beautiful faithful husband is there to kiss you good morning and remind you how beautiful you are…and you’ll roll out of bed a little drowsy and stumble your way gently to the bathroom to freshen up…and your husband will run downstairs to make pancakes for your beautiful children who get to see a healthy and oh so loving marriage between their mother and father.
dump him girl…you deserve better. love yourself first. you’ve got this.
That was about 5-6 years ago. I've worked on it now and I know this is different from infatuation.
Jeesh. Pretty sure that the only think you now need to answer to that friend should be: “Oh really? Thats news to me. If that is the case, ask him why he is watching porn then. And why, when i asked him during our argument, he said that this didn't count because the women he watches weren't me. Tell your hypocritical friend that he needs to find a new place and get out of my apartement. I'm done with his his lying ass.”
Then sent jim the same message that he needs to find a new place.
You deserve someone better than Jim.
Being a homemaker is not for everyone, I get that. But nobody forced him. All he has to do is find a job. He's entirely in control of getting himself out this situation that he says he doesn't like.
I feel like that’s probably not something you want to wait and see on.
I've seen comments saying this isn't real, and seems like it can't be. I've never not heard of people not having the DTR conversations. 10 years ago, I had a female roommate that I know was only dating one guy. But they never had the “exclusive” talk or what they were, so she ended up hooking up with someone when she went on a work trip. Major lack of communication. From what I remember, she was upfront and told him about it, because at that point he admitted he thought they were exclusive/in a relationship. I still don't think she was wrong because they didn't have the talk, but they should have had it by that point. Personally, I'd be wanting that talk by 1-2 months in, but I know a lot of people are different. It's just insane to me to imagine a year-long relationship with someone though lol.
You do whatever you want to do because you're 18.
What I'm hearing is that your parents had a concern about your physical health/endurance, so they pushed you to get exercise and you didn't like the way they handled it. There was an occasion where you were accused of lying/cheating doing the physical activity, but on that occasion you did not- but on other occasions you did. I think everyone has been accused of lying at some point, and I can appreciate why it rubbed you wrong and made the relationship uncomfortable.
A lot of parents like their kids to think they're perfect, infallible, god like, omnipotent, etc. But, parents are actually human- and humans are fallible. They don't sound like they wished you intentionally ill will or harm from what you've described, it sounds like they were trying to keep you healthy and just did it in a really lazy/hands off way that wasn't great. Does that sound consistent?
If you want the relationship, you might want to address the “hey, that didn't sit right with me” and see how they react- if they said something like “well we didn't really have a good handle on how to help you, so that was what we landed on and yeah, we could've done better” would that resolve or reduce your negative feelings? But you can choose your relationship- you can keep them at arms length, you can decide your memories at their house are too uncomfortable and you'd rather meet at a park and play with your siblings on the swings, or ask if you can be invited to their school events (probably 2 awful plays or choir concerns/year/kid), re-write your own perspective on what happened from a rosier POV, or “oops, I forgot” or “ahhh I'm so busy with work/school/this other thing” and do nothing. It's your choice, and you don't have to do anything if you choose not to.
I think before you jump in head first you might talk about how you are Ace in a conversation as friends. Teenage guys are kinda hardwired for sex as you are probably aware of.
Have you considered counselling?
It helps me when I’m overly anxious. I suffer with OCD and It has helped a lot with me.
Okay, here's a personal experience of mine. I'm not saying this is the same thing, just giving you a possibility.
Met up with a guy who was way too pushy and was giving me super creepy vibes. I went with it out for my own safety (calculating the situation, etc, and it felt the safest to just ride it out). We did some stuff that I powered through, and then sweettalked him to wait until the 2nd date to do some more. He gave very threatening vibes, so this, for me, felt the safest to do. There was no 2nd date. But I sure as hell didn't let him know anything was wrong on the 1st.
Save all proof and make multiple copies. Lawyer up, expose her to EVERYONE before she plays the victim… if hes married fill his spouse or gf in on it…. report it to their opace of business, let them know you will be going public thst said business had a part of ending your marriage. That company will part ways w both if them to make it go away.
Does he wear a lot of jewelry? Does he wear flower based jewelry?
That shows an immature level of disrespect to you. From both of them. You NEED to set some boundaries with both of them and potential consequences for your wife; I can’t imagine how embarrassing that was for you.
If she is denying taking the paternity test, that means she knows there's a chance your daughter isn't yours. You've let this go on for two years. Get a lawyer (solicitor), file for paternity test, and then if she is yours set up custody and visitation. Stop trying to be nice.
I second everyone here: don't respond and block her.
She tried to systematically ensure you could never work in your field again and made it to where you no longer feel passionate about pursuing your altruistic interests.
If you're absolutely bent up over the possibility of her being in real danger rahter than being stuck in a situation she created, alert her family and consider sending her some info on women's shelters and programs that can help get her out. But you don't owe her anything.
I would honestly just ignore her because confirming to her that she was able to contact you will only embolden her to try and bring you down again if she doesn't get the exact help she expects. You have more to lose, and she's shown you that she's willing to not only try and tear you down, but also your family, and they don't deserve that. She's had 10 years to do better for herself or reach out and apologize. I'm assuming she didn't, and she only would now because she needs something.
when we last talked about this, she said she didn't wanna be best friends with someone who hasn't been there for her like she has for me, and that sent me down a guilt trip but now I'm reconsidering everything
Following
It’s not low-key suspicious, it’s heavily suspicious. Then she manages to turn things about you being rude with her mother present (deflection). And her snarky attitude is like acknowledging that she’s got you wrapped around her finger.
Press for the messages. If she doesn’t show them, leave. If there are deleted messages, leave.
I mean that’s your call but my husband and I at 1 point had 60k in CC debt and our house is a war zone so… you’ll need to reevaluate what you can handle if you want kids
You broke your gfs trust. You didn't tell her some random girl was sleeping on your couch. The girl is lucky your gf doesn't have a temper and hurt her.
You should also stop drinking so much. You literally passed out on your floor beside your bed. You're 25. Grow up before your gf leaves you.
It’s been her way or the highway the entire time. She’s just been subtly reminding me of that over the years. This kind of abuse can take a long time for the abuser to come to his senses and realize what’s going on which is why I can understand some people on here think I’m the asshole.
I mean you COULD’ve met up with her one-on-one, or called/texted her, and said “hey your husband has been leering at me and making me really uncomfortable. I don’t want to be around him anymore. I don’t think we should see each other [as friends] anymore.”
Because you’d be taking on a lot more drama as a friend to that lady (she has her hands full, trying yo work on a marriage with a cheater ? and raising her kids and she should probably have friends that are at the same life stage as her) and a lot more danger being around that guy (he came to your house alone?? And you know he’s a cheater. Lock your doors and have people around you. Who knows what he would’ve done to you??)
At the end of the day, she needs to lean on a lawyer and a support group, not a 20 something woman from her old job. maybe she could piece together why you ghosted.
You’re fine, OP.