I've read that you intend to work on your vision of what love is, and that's a good thing.
I still believe the definition your gf gave isn't love. Doesn't sound like it to me at least. It sounds like “liking someone”. Enjoying time with them. But it isn't love.what difference is there between liking and loving for her?
I'm sorry, has he said out loud in words that he wants to have sex with other people?
This sounds like he wants to keep talking to someone who hit on him. That's a conversation worth having, but it's different from being in an open relationship.
Thank you so much for answering!! He makes my job way more fun that's for sure. We see each other almost every day. Well A is a tease, idk if he's like that with everyone and that's what buffles me. Maybe he just likes my non funny comebacks because his sense of humor is horrible. Maybe he has nothing better to do… but… would he spend that much time if he wasn't interested at all? I mean.. we're not friends obviously.
B was referring to the harmless flirting we do at work, it's somehow part of our job… to me, he was trying to figure out what's on my mind, if I was actually interested or just playing as I always do. I'm pretty sure though that B and A haven't talked about it so he's not doing it on A's behalf .
Besides wanting to be called “them” it sounds like he has some serious issues. Secrets that do not affect your relationship and lay in the past are not his to know. Dont keep secrets from him that happened in the last 6 months, but it does not sound like you do.
I find it quite rude for him to unload all his secrets on you, while expecting the same from you
No where in any of my posts have I said those things. Bills need to be paid, housework needs to be done, is it fair for one spouse (take gender out of it) to pay all the bills and do half the housework? Bills and housework are not 1:1 but contributions of both have to be taken into account.
Run bro before you get locked up. Guys are never given fairness when it comes to accusations. If she can do that so easily life is just going to get harder for you, she sounds unbalanced and will ruin your life. Run and don’t look back change your name and move far away. I’m telling you it’s going to get bad and you’ll wish you had listened
As a woman who has been through a few relationships before settling down, this makes me nervous. I feel like she may already know what it is and doesn’t want to read it because she’s not ready for that?
I had something similar happen on the proposal but it went way overboard and it was just awful. I would maybe attempt once more in an intimate area but if it doesn’t work, have a backup to propose to her. And do it privately. I say private because if it is because she doesn’t want to get married right now, you both save yourselves the embarrassing aftermath. ??
Story: When I was 21 my first bf of a year proposed to me with a card and initially I thought it was a joke, but then he started crying about how he felt like I wasn’t taking his genuine feelings into account and I stupidly said yes because I felt bad for him. I immediately regretted it.
He was like a leech after that for a week, wouldn’t stop texting, was making plans about all this future stuff (like 10 years down and how he wanted to tell his family and everything even though they didn’t like me). I told him to not say anything and then I then avoided him for like a week. Stopped replying to his messages, avoided the places I would usually be, wouldn’t acknowledge him when he’d come in as a customer at my job, etc. It was bad! I then gathered myself and broke it off, gave him back the ring and all his gifts and said no.
Don’t be my ex-bf. If she does read it and looks like she’s going for the no, respect her answer. ??
The first time my ex admitted to going outside our marriage he told me, “you have to forgive me, I didn’t have sex with her.” When I read your story, I got flashbacks of that. I can tell you from experience, it’s not worth your precious time and energy to try work things out with someone like that. I wasted 3 years of my life trying to work it out and all I got was therapy bills. Kick him out and take care of yourself.
White male yoga teachers are either the most grounded least pretentious dudes ever, or Peter Pan lost boy types desperately fighting against growing old and irrelevant. I say this as a female yoga teacher who has met a lot of both.
There’s nothing wrong with watching porn so long as it’s not an addiction causing problems.
Your current and future partners, whoever they may be, will more than likely be turned on by people who don’t look like you. It doesn’t mean they like you any less. It just means they also like other things.
Leave him. He is manipulating you into surgically altering your body after you have already said no. Also, he started dating you when you were underage. When you are 30 you will look back on this and say “What was I thinking?” Your regret will be MUCH deeper if you allow yourself to be manipulated into this. Do not do it. This is a deal breaker.
Talking about the past keeps it alive. It’s like going to the cemetery to exhume the long dead skeletons of the defunct problem ridden past. No, should just make plans to take you wife to a nice restaurant on the night in question to further confirm her decision not to meet weirdos willing to pay her.
When it’s time for divorce you just know. It’s like a light bulb going off. Now comes the strategy of a divorce. With a child involved you will want it as smooth as possible. Make an appointment with family or a girlfriend but actually go consult a divorce attorney. Find out what the next steps are and the smartest way to leave. Make sure the baby is somewhere safe when you tell him. Don’t be accusing or blaming.
Sorry OP, I know it’s tough. We all want our little families to work and sometimes they just don’t.
This is it. He is testing to see how much control he has over you, then gaslighting you for standing up for yourself. Girl dont fall for his apoligies because he will 100% try to guilt you. Leave like right now.
Girl, I also like an older man but what do you all even have to talk about? A man in his 30s has nothing in common with a 19 year old. He’s using you for sex. And the moment an age appropriate lady comes along, he will be out. I don’t even think he cares for you. Nothing deep is happening here. He’s acting cute when you back off because he wants to keep having sex with a teenager…it’s not every day a 34 year old guy gets the chance to feel young again. Very hot pass. End this and stick to guys closer to your age. Trust me.
If you're only on birth control pills, your risk of accidental pregnancy is not zero. Now that you've told him you don't know whether you'd be willing to have an abortion if necessary, he is prudent and sensible to remove that risk from his life.
“Hey, I’m not trying to get involved here, but X has said they’d like to speak with you. You’ll need to unblock them, but they just asked me to pass that message on”.
And that’s all you do. Anything else and you risk getting pulled into it. Dip in, deliver the message, dip out. The rest is up to them and if the ex doesn’t want anything to do with your friend, then your friend needs to suck it up and move on.
She wants to get back on her meds and I supported her in doing so. She hasn't made an appointment for it yet, unfortunately. I do agree with you tho. I'm not stupid and can normally tell if I'm being manipulated but I haven't had any experience with being in a relationship with mental issues so I don't know if shes genuine or using it as an excuse.
You're right. She could have cried in the other room but she put herself in a place that I would see her. She didn't want to talk until I was gone. I'm not sure what solution she was hoping for but she could have handled this so much better in a million different ways. But she chose that one.
You’re clearly extremely bitter. It’s obvious. If you were really a pragmatist, you wouldn’t be pushing the idea that 100% of relationships are built on lies and doomed to fail. Bc that’s not true at all. And no, makeup isn’t lying nor is it the same as a guy wearing heals and a buff suit.
Just an FYI it could have nothing to do with her feelings for him. She could be upset because they’ve moved on and had more “relationship success” than she has. (Kind of an in your face reminder that she isn’t engaged yet and she may have thought she would be by now). It’s still an odd and questionable reaction for sure but I think most people here will say she still has feelings for him and that might not necessarily be the case.
Sweetheart, seek the nearest shelter you know is safe, even if it is a library, a women’s shelter, your best friend’s grandmother’s, or a police station, a teacher, anywhere. You don’t have to say the full story. But you need to know you are not safe. Not at all.
Choking is the first and strongest indicator of a domestic abuser willing to kill you. He will likely kill you. That is the reality you are in. Please leave it. Find safety. Find peace. You deserve it. Much love. I’m so sorry.
The outlier for me would be a long term friendship with a short lived relationship that didn't work out (that I would accept from my partner).
Why I go no contact, is because that was the context of our connection. Romance. I don't need to make a friend out of a failed love interest.
Additionally, there is a mental battle that a lot of people go through when they learn a close friendship with ex… I would rather save my future partner from that an eliminate any doubts.
On the flip side… If a girl I was dating was close with her ex, I'd respect it but check out. You can't expect people to expel others from their life. Seeing how it wouldn't be my cup of tea, I'd leave her to it and conclude the connection is not for me.
You tried… I’m not sure why your sister tells him stuff about you.., is she jealous since her relationship ended.. does she want him for herself.. does he want your sister and is trying to justify your breakup so your sister will date him… strange…
You shouldn’t have to fight for someone to trust you.. he’s trying to push you away.. but I would bet he is after your sister especially since she’s single again..
we are exhausted because we feel like we adopted his 82yr old mom with alzheimer's ,in January starting w his dad going to the hospital to die to 2 weeks after his “one night whatever” Add that up to 30 years married 36 together and never knowing any other love LIKE I SAID IT COMPLICATED
Don't want to lose him? How can you even stand the sight of him? Demanding sex from someone is never a good look. Mistreating someone for not giving you sex is an even worse look. You can do better.
From experience a person doesn’t cut off their parents for no reason. Most likely the fact you didn’t post them is a huge reason. You likely are the type to dismiss you kid and their feelings, so incredibly hurtful things and the deny any wrong doing. It takes A LOT for us adult children to cut off our parents and it’s always because we realize we are able to heal our childhood trauma away from them whereas having y’all in our lives hurts our inner children. I personally want to hear from the son as you’re proven to be an unreliable story teller already.
You shouldn't have said that to him, he sees you as a father figure, he doesn't know anything about what you're trying to make him understand. Who's real dad and who's involved and have a say and this and that is a conversation for you and your wife, you really slapped him in the face with this and if you really looked at him with love you wouldn't have a heart to say it.
From now on he's gonna see his brother or sister as better than him and feel excluded from the family. His mother is right to be upset and if you have a problem with her having a child that's not biologically your's it would be better if you never got involved because she's not gonna throw away her child because of a selfish jealous man.
Should I try to forgive my wife and move on, or should I end the marriage?
Your wife had an ongoing affair, for 3 plus years and committed paternity fraud. She never confessed, and as far as you know she could have been having the affair up until you confronted her.
I should be a living example of God's grace and forgiveness
Not particularly religious but that seems like a bunch of nonsense. Forgiveness can't be forced, nor is owed. What has your wife done to warrant your trust and forgiveness? How has she repented? Is giving some half-ass apology enough to makeup for the multitude of lies and deceit, to brush off the disrespect and belittlement of your marriage and relationship?
Awfully convenient, wonder if he'd preach the same advice if he was in your position. Nothing but a coverup, easier to convince you to say nothing, and pretend everything's okay then cause a scandal. After all, if it happened with you, who's to say it hasn't happened to another family at the church.
Reconciliation or divorce are your only two options. If your love the kids, and wish to continue being in they're lives then you can do so regardless of your choice. Personally, I'd pick option two and divorce. Your wife isn't remorseful, I couldn't even imagine doing this to someone I hate, let alone love enough to marry. The fact the other mans your neighbor, just makes it so much worse. I'd divorce, and publicly expose the affair to mutual friends, family, and the church. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I sure as hell wouldn't force myself to stay because some pastors asking me to brush it off.
This wasn't some stupid mistake done in the moment. She had an ongoing affair that lasted longer then some marriages. To say you could do better is an understatement. So yeah, throw them both under the bus and file for divorce.
Thank you. This is a good advice.
I've read that you intend to work on your vision of what love is, and that's a good thing.
I still believe the definition your gf gave isn't love. Doesn't sound like it to me at least. It sounds like “liking someone”. Enjoying time with them. But it isn't love.what difference is there between liking and loving for her?
If you can't communicate then what do you have? Obviously laying it on light isn't working
I'm sorry, has he said out loud in words that he wants to have sex with other people?
This sounds like he wants to keep talking to someone who hit on him. That's a conversation worth having, but it's different from being in an open relationship.
Bit very hot to say without context. Is it about his sexual past, has he been to jail..?
Thank you so much for answering!! He makes my job way more fun that's for sure. We see each other almost every day. Well A is a tease, idk if he's like that with everyone and that's what buffles me. Maybe he just likes my non funny comebacks because his sense of humor is horrible. Maybe he has nothing better to do… but… would he spend that much time if he wasn't interested at all? I mean.. we're not friends obviously.
B was referring to the harmless flirting we do at work, it's somehow part of our job… to me, he was trying to figure out what's on my mind, if I was actually interested or just playing as I always do. I'm pretty sure though that B and A haven't talked about it so he's not doing it on A's behalf .
Besides wanting to be called “them” it sounds like he has some serious issues. Secrets that do not affect your relationship and lay in the past are not his to know. Dont keep secrets from him that happened in the last 6 months, but it does not sound like you do.
I find it quite rude for him to unload all his secrets on you, while expecting the same from you
It actually happened. I’m concerned. That’s why I made a post.
I don’t think he can control it, I’m not sure. Sometimes it just shifts to another one suddenly but ig they are aware that they make part of a system
No where in any of my posts have I said those things. Bills need to be paid, housework needs to be done, is it fair for one spouse (take gender out of it) to pay all the bills and do half the housework? Bills and housework are not 1:1 but contributions of both have to be taken into account.
If you trusted her you would not have a concern with who else was on the trip. You would not have asked the question at all.
That's some good advice lol, thanks, will do!
If u are the one requiring it , as ur post states to move in . Then yes u should definitely help pay for it
Run bro before you get locked up. Guys are never given fairness when it comes to accusations. If she can do that so easily life is just going to get harder for you, she sounds unbalanced and will ruin your life. Run and don’t look back change your name and move far away. I’m telling you it’s going to get bad and you’ll wish you had listened
As a woman who has been through a few relationships before settling down, this makes me nervous. I feel like she may already know what it is and doesn’t want to read it because she’s not ready for that?
I had something similar happen on the proposal but it went way overboard and it was just awful. I would maybe attempt once more in an intimate area but if it doesn’t work, have a backup to propose to her. And do it privately. I say private because if it is because she doesn’t want to get married right now, you both save yourselves the embarrassing aftermath. ??
Story: When I was 21 my first bf of a year proposed to me with a card and initially I thought it was a joke, but then he started crying about how he felt like I wasn’t taking his genuine feelings into account and I stupidly said yes because I felt bad for him. I immediately regretted it.
He was like a leech after that for a week, wouldn’t stop texting, was making plans about all this future stuff (like 10 years down and how he wanted to tell his family and everything even though they didn’t like me). I told him to not say anything and then I then avoided him for like a week. Stopped replying to his messages, avoided the places I would usually be, wouldn’t acknowledge him when he’d come in as a customer at my job, etc. It was bad! I then gathered myself and broke it off, gave him back the ring and all his gifts and said no.
Don’t be my ex-bf. If she does read it and looks like she’s going for the no, respect her answer. ??
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The first time my ex admitted to going outside our marriage he told me, “you have to forgive me, I didn’t have sex with her.” When I read your story, I got flashbacks of that. I can tell you from experience, it’s not worth your precious time and energy to try work things out with someone like that. I wasted 3 years of my life trying to work it out and all I got was therapy bills. Kick him out and take care of yourself.
I told him that I liked him last September and he said that he wasn’t looking for a relationship so… Idk.
White male yoga teachers are either the most grounded least pretentious dudes ever, or Peter Pan lost boy types desperately fighting against growing old and irrelevant. I say this as a female yoga teacher who has met a lot of both.
Joke my ass. You did the right thing.
Bet her “work crush” blows her off. Too bad too sad.
It's probably because it doesn't really mean anything, it's just meant to come off as important.
There’s nothing wrong with watching porn so long as it’s not an addiction causing problems.
Your current and future partners, whoever they may be, will more than likely be turned on by people who don’t look like you. It doesn’t mean they like you any less. It just means they also like other things.
Lol I see what you did there. You must be a teacher or a parent. Thank you for your help 🙂
Words could not encapsulate how much of an intentionally hurtful piece of trash your boyfriend is, or how critically low your sense of self worth is.
And that is a disastrous combination.
Leave him. He is manipulating you into surgically altering your body after you have already said no. Also, he started dating you when you were underage. When you are 30 you will look back on this and say “What was I thinking?” Your regret will be MUCH deeper if you allow yourself to be manipulated into this. Do not do it. This is a deal breaker.
You can reset it from your phone. Do it now as if he has your Google account he can probably track your phone. Turn off GPS at a minimum.
You’re going to be here in a year writing the same things about your new partner once you actually get to know him
I'm so worried about what he's doing to the child after he's drugged him.
If you’re on two breaks in a year and a half this isn’t happening. Rip the bandaid off it only gets harder later
Talking about the past keeps it alive. It’s like going to the cemetery to exhume the long dead skeletons of the defunct problem ridden past. No, should just make plans to take you wife to a nice restaurant on the night in question to further confirm her decision not to meet weirdos willing to pay her.
When it’s time for divorce you just know. It’s like a light bulb going off. Now comes the strategy of a divorce. With a child involved you will want it as smooth as possible. Make an appointment with family or a girlfriend but actually go consult a divorce attorney. Find out what the next steps are and the smartest way to leave. Make sure the baby is somewhere safe when you tell him. Don’t be accusing or blaming.
Sorry OP, I know it’s tough. We all want our little families to work and sometimes they just don’t.
This is it. He is testing to see how much control he has over you, then gaslighting you for standing up for yourself. Girl dont fall for his apoligies because he will 100% try to guilt you. Leave like right now.
Girl, I also like an older man but what do you all even have to talk about? A man in his 30s has nothing in common with a 19 year old. He’s using you for sex. And the moment an age appropriate lady comes along, he will be out. I don’t even think he cares for you. Nothing deep is happening here. He’s acting cute when you back off because he wants to keep having sex with a teenager…it’s not every day a 34 year old guy gets the chance to feel young again. Very hot pass. End this and stick to guys closer to your age. Trust me.
If you're only on birth control pills, your risk of accidental pregnancy is not zero. Now that you've told him you don't know whether you'd be willing to have an abortion if necessary, he is prudent and sensible to remove that risk from his life.
Can’t make any intelligent comment not knowing the offense.
That’s exactly what I needed to hear. much love.
I worry it'll put the friend who told me in a weird spot
She's for the streets
“Hey, I’m not trying to get involved here, but X has said they’d like to speak with you. You’ll need to unblock them, but they just asked me to pass that message on”.
And that’s all you do. Anything else and you risk getting pulled into it. Dip in, deliver the message, dip out. The rest is up to them and if the ex doesn’t want anything to do with your friend, then your friend needs to suck it up and move on.
!updateme
She wants to get back on her meds and I supported her in doing so. She hasn't made an appointment for it yet, unfortunately. I do agree with you tho. I'm not stupid and can normally tell if I'm being manipulated but I haven't had any experience with being in a relationship with mental issues so I don't know if shes genuine or using it as an excuse.
Her reaction was verbally abusive. Why are you tolerating that?
But why is it wrong to be concerned about my chances with other girls?
Because right now (and for the foreseeable future) you need to work on yourself.
Is there any way to break the lease?
You're right. She could have cried in the other room but she put herself in a place that I would see her. She didn't want to talk until I was gone. I'm not sure what solution she was hoping for but she could have handled this so much better in a million different ways. But she chose that one.
Thanks for pointing it out, I appreciate it.
You’re clearly extremely bitter. It’s obvious. If you were really a pragmatist, you wouldn’t be pushing the idea that 100% of relationships are built on lies and doomed to fail. Bc that’s not true at all. And no, makeup isn’t lying nor is it the same as a guy wearing heals and a buff suit.
Yeah bud….. You might not be her primary boyfriend….
Just an FYI it could have nothing to do with her feelings for him. She could be upset because they’ve moved on and had more “relationship success” than she has. (Kind of an in your face reminder that she isn’t engaged yet and she may have thought she would be by now). It’s still an odd and questionable reaction for sure but I think most people here will say she still has feelings for him and that might not necessarily be the case.
Don’t consider it if someone forces them selves on you once they will repeatedly
Sweetheart, seek the nearest shelter you know is safe, even if it is a library, a women’s shelter, your best friend’s grandmother’s, or a police station, a teacher, anywhere. You don’t have to say the full story. But you need to know you are not safe. Not at all.
Choking is the first and strongest indicator of a domestic abuser willing to kill you. He will likely kill you. That is the reality you are in. Please leave it. Find safety. Find peace. You deserve it. Much love. I’m so sorry.
I go no contact.
The outlier for me would be a long term friendship with a short lived relationship that didn't work out (that I would accept from my partner).
Why I go no contact, is because that was the context of our connection. Romance. I don't need to make a friend out of a failed love interest.
Additionally, there is a mental battle that a lot of people go through when they learn a close friendship with ex… I would rather save my future partner from that an eliminate any doubts.
On the flip side… If a girl I was dating was close with her ex, I'd respect it but check out. You can't expect people to expel others from their life. Seeing how it wouldn't be my cup of tea, I'd leave her to it and conclude the connection is not for me.
You tried… I’m not sure why your sister tells him stuff about you.., is she jealous since her relationship ended.. does she want him for herself.. does he want your sister and is trying to justify your breakup so your sister will date him… strange…
You shouldn’t have to fight for someone to trust you.. he’s trying to push you away.. but I would bet he is after your sister especially since she’s single again..
Move on and find a loyal boyfriend.
we are exhausted because we feel like we adopted his 82yr old mom with alzheimer's ,in January starting w his dad going to the hospital to die to 2 weeks after his “one night whatever” Add that up to 30 years married 36 together and never knowing any other love LIKE I SAID IT COMPLICATED
No. Your boyfriend is a douchebag!
Seems like he’s using you for sex and servitude…. Why put up with this shit? Find someone who lies you for you
Imagine working 40 hours a month and make 2 grands lol
Don't want to lose him? How can you even stand the sight of him? Demanding sex from someone is never a good look. Mistreating someone for not giving you sex is an even worse look. You can do better.
From experience a person doesn’t cut off their parents for no reason. Most likely the fact you didn’t post them is a huge reason. You likely are the type to dismiss you kid and their feelings, so incredibly hurtful things and the deny any wrong doing. It takes A LOT for us adult children to cut off our parents and it’s always because we realize we are able to heal our childhood trauma away from them whereas having y’all in our lives hurts our inner children. I personally want to hear from the son as you’re proven to be an unreliable story teller already.
You have knowledge. It sounds like you are incompatible. Break it off and start over.
You shouldn't have said that to him, he sees you as a father figure, he doesn't know anything about what you're trying to make him understand. Who's real dad and who's involved and have a say and this and that is a conversation for you and your wife, you really slapped him in the face with this and if you really looked at him with love you wouldn't have a heart to say it.
From now on he's gonna see his brother or sister as better than him and feel excluded from the family. His mother is right to be upset and if you have a problem with her having a child that's not biologically your's it would be better if you never got involved because she's not gonna throw away her child because of a selfish jealous man.
Worst advice
We have definitely not seen this story before on Reddit
Look forward to the update asking how to get his wife back
thats oddly sweet
Should I try to forgive my wife and move on, or should I end the marriage?
Your wife had an ongoing affair, for 3 plus years and committed paternity fraud. She never confessed, and as far as you know she could have been having the affair up until you confronted her.
I should be a living example of God's grace and forgiveness
Not particularly religious but that seems like a bunch of nonsense. Forgiveness can't be forced, nor is owed. What has your wife done to warrant your trust and forgiveness? How has she repented? Is giving some half-ass apology enough to makeup for the multitude of lies and deceit, to brush off the disrespect and belittlement of your marriage and relationship?
Awfully convenient, wonder if he'd preach the same advice if he was in your position. Nothing but a coverup, easier to convince you to say nothing, and pretend everything's okay then cause a scandal. After all, if it happened with you, who's to say it hasn't happened to another family at the church.
Reconciliation or divorce are your only two options. If your love the kids, and wish to continue being in they're lives then you can do so regardless of your choice. Personally, I'd pick option two and divorce. Your wife isn't remorseful, I couldn't even imagine doing this to someone I hate, let alone love enough to marry. The fact the other mans your neighbor, just makes it so much worse. I'd divorce, and publicly expose the affair to mutual friends, family, and the church. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and I sure as hell wouldn't force myself to stay because some pastors asking me to brush it off.
This wasn't some stupid mistake done in the moment. She had an ongoing affair that lasted longer then some marriages. To say you could do better is an understatement. So yeah, throw them both under the bus and file for divorce.