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  1. Well first ask yourself if you're actually willing to walk away from the BS. Because if you can't convince yourself, how do you expect them to be convinced?

    Besides that, there are a lot of nuances in what you're asking. Are you talking about being lied to? About cheating? About a bad habit that annoys you? The severity of these things ranges so every reaction and every consequence is going to be different.

    For example, my fiancé tends to smoke when he drinks. I hate smoking. It's gross and it stresses me out and it's an ongoing conversation where I ask him not to, and then he does. And we talk about the next day where he apologies and I'm okay with this dynamic. Because I don't feel disrespected and I know hes not doing it to deliberately piss me off. I feel like he gets a little drunk and just has trouble with a bad habit.

    However, I do not tolerate lying. Ever. He lied to me once about smoking and I told him that was a hot no and that if he lies to me again, it's going to be hell to pay. He knows I mean it. So now, even though I hate the smoking occurrences. He tells me that he's craving a cig or that he had a drag from a friend. He's honest and open and as long as that remains the case, we're good.

    When it comes to texting or talking or whatever. Talk about the issue. Clear the air. Accept the apology. Then let things cool down and act normal. Its fine if you feel weird for a little while but you don't need to keep punishing them by consistently bringing it up if its been discussed and resolved.

    Generally, this is a good framework:

    If your partner messes up once and apologizes sincerely. And you can see active change. Then that's fine. You can talk to them like normal. Move forward. Let it go.

    If they do it again, maybe one more chance if they're sincerely apologetic. Warn them that this is the last chance they're getting, and then you're done. Then talk to them like normal, let it go. Move on.

    If they do it a third time, it's time to leave. Actually leave. Actually follow through with the consequences. Not leave – then be talked back. Not pretend to leave – then text them all night. Not accept a third apology. Goodbye. I'm finished. You had your chances. Move on.

    At the end of the day, you want a partner that respects you. Do you feel respected? Or do you feel manipulated? Do you feel like they're genuinely sorry or that they're only telling you what you want to hear? Actions speak louder than words. Do they normally respect you? And make you feel heard and appreciated? Is this a one time accidental screw-up? Or is this something where a clear decision was made to push your boundaries? How did they react? Did they twist your words, or gaslight you? Or did they take responsibility right away? If this was a friend screwing up, how would you feel? Are they treating you like a friend? Or a partner? Or are they making you feel like a toy with your head spinning?

    A toxic ex of mine played with my head and consistently pushed limits and manipulated me. My fiance is the most respectful patient man I've ever met. He treats me with friendship, fairness and respect no matter what's happened or what mood he's in or what we're going through. Always. And that foundation is why I know we'll be okay. Keep asking yourself if you feel respected, and everything else will get easier.

  2. I don’t understand what’s wrong with him.

    Doesn't matter, all you need to know is he punted your kitten down a staircase and still doesn't think it's a big deal. Dump him.

  3. People throw the word “Narcissist” around so much. It’s an unfortunate personality disorder someone gets from childhood trauma. You obviously have empathy. Just the fact that you felt bad and wanted to speak to her about it the next day shows that you have nothing to worry about. Don’t take it personally, your girlfriend just uses words she doesn’t understand.

  4. I can sell you a magic rock, she has special magic to get you to believe this story. No guy should have been there at all for any reasons . If you stay, next she will tell a priest was in bed with her to bless the bed.

  5. She’s well aware of the increased risks and possibility of difficulty getting pregnant or not being able to get pregnant at all.

    She recently had some preliminary fertility testing done (if this demonstrates how intent she is on this) and everything looked good. Not that it’s any guarantee that we’d be able to easily conceive and certainly no guarantee that the pregnancy would be without complications. She wanted me to go to the doctor and get tested too but I refused, so she bought me an at home fertility testing kit. This is just getting to be way too much.

  6. Talk your therapist as soon as she's available. And in the meantime take things slow and enjoy your relationship just day by day without feeling the need to commit to your boyfriend. As a fellow person of divorced parents, I want to assure you, even though you know it already, that their relationship is very different from yours and just because they got divorced doesn't mean that you'd have to face the same fate. Always be open to communicate with your boyfriend. That's a big part of leading a happy and healthy relationship. You'll be fine.

  7. Talk your therapist as soon as she's available. And in the meantime take things slow and enjoy your relationship just day by day without feeling the need to commit to your boyfriend. As a fellow person of divorced parents, I want to assure you, even though you know it already, that their relationship is very different from yours and just because they got divorced doesn't mean that you'd have to face the same fate. Always be open to communicate with your boyfriend. That's a big part of leading a happy and healthy relationship. You'll be fine.

  8. That’s really what it feels like having a conversation with her. I’ve watched her talk to my mom and best friend one on one and I can literally see the light leave their eyes because she doesn’t give them a single second to speak.

    Her bio dad was a diagnosed narcissist which makes me worried she took on some of his characteristics. It might also just be her ADHD which has affected her since elementary school.

    I guess I’ve just felt really insecure in our relationship that I haven’t felt safe to have a conversation about me leaving her. I told her I wanted to move back in with my parents a couple months ago because I need my alone time back and am exhausted and she started sobbing saying she was heartbroken and that I didn’t consider her feelings. I’m just so tired of these massive emotional outbursts any time I confront her that I just can’t bring myself to do it.

    I plan on talking with her after I get the majority of my stuff moved out because she used to “joke” to me about how she screwed her ex boyfriend over when they broke up by taking all the expensive stuff and art that she always liked of his without him knowing. She’s said a lot of weird stuff like that in the past.

  9. Maybe if you stopped getting angry and crying he would respond better. Your 18 years old and have a medical condition that makes it hot to do chores… and then when he doesnt do them you get angry and cry? Hate to break it to you but this dudes going to leave you once he realizes that he can go somewhere else and not deal with your pitty party.

    Your boyfriend doesnt have to listen to you. Your both still children. Learn to communicate better and come to an agreement instead of throwing your fit till he just agrees with you to get you to shut up.

    Men are simple. You cry – we tell you what you want to hear and then go about our business. You want help with something? You first try – then ask for assistance. We have no problem stepping in and helping – but its annoying as all hell when your whole existence is to ask us to do things because you “cant” or “dont want to”.

    From reading your post – i made a lot of assumptions about you. And if i was a betting man – id put my life savings on it that 90% of them were right.

    Advice – stop trying to control him and learn to work WITH him.

  10. Heres my thought process: I say I want nothing because we share a bank account and I’d prefer to spend money on paying off extra mortgage/car payment then on myself. I assume Im gonna get a belt, t-shirts , or similar necessities If my wife spent 100s on a non-necessity I’d be uncomfortable accepting that gift because I grew up poor and never got gifts (best bday gift I ever got growing up was ~$25) I want to break the cycle and pay off all debt. (Tbf we’re a lot better off then my parents were)

    I still buy my wife expensive gifts because it’s my way of showing her she’s more important than anything. She tries to buy me awesome gifts but I’m uncomfortable accepting them for the above reasons.

    I guess the one difference is all this is communicated between us so she understands what makes me uncomfortable and learns how to push my boundaries without making me crawl out of my skin when receiving gifts

    I guess my point is I don’t think he’s necessarily an AH like everyone is making him out to be but I agree OP and husband should communicate better

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  12. Honey, she broke up with you. You may be able to be friends someday. Some people can but others can’t. For now though, you especially need to heal and realize that you aren’t together anymore and never will be. The “we’re breaking up but we’re still friends” rarely works unless there’s a specific reason to remain friendly, such as shared children. Otherwise, the hope that the friendship will evolve back into romance won’t go away.

    Also, even though you say you want her to be happy, your presence in her life at this point is probably causing problems. She’s trying to create a life that doesn’t include being OP’s partner and probable future wife. That’s not really possible if you’re still hanging on. Plus, her new guy may be wondering why the two of you are still in contact, if you relationship is truly over.

    Perhaps counseling would help you or find some new hobbies or activities to help keep your mind off her. Get a couple of single friends to hang out with and be your a support group. If you were living together and you’re still living in the same place, move. If you can’t move, rearrange the furniture or get some new stuff, even if it’s only curtains. Get some friends or siblings to come over and help you “un-girlfriend” your space.

    Good luck!

    Please !UpdateMe about how you’re doing.

  13. You should accept people as they are at their core. Habits and perceptions can change. People often make changes for their loved ones. It's easier to use the “accept people the way they are” rather than try to change. It's a cop-out. I can't see how being an aggressive or argumentative drunk is something you wouldn't want to change. For yourself or other people.

    I really dislike drinking culture among groups of friends. It's unhealthy and when they eventually grow out of it they're kind of left wondering what they've been doing with their lives.

    He sounds very immature. I honestly would expect a bit more self-awareness for a 27-year-old. He really needs to grow up.

    I hope, no matter the outcome, you're at peace with it. If you feel you need to break up, then do it. It won't make you a bad person, same with if you try to make it work. Just make sure you're looking out for yourself, your interests, and what you need from your partner.

  14. tats when u know who are ur true friends.. if he respect the friendship he can just ask or tell him.. hey i know u and her have broken up.. do u mind if if I try dating her or hooking up with her.

    why the need to be secretive? cause they know its wrong.. just give due respect what so difficult about that.. respect given respect earn..

  15. If she isn't going to be honest and forthcoming about why she broke things off, she's not ready to be back. Don't give in with no reasoning or discussion.

  16. My husband and I met in college and had different approaches to academics – and in hindsight, I can admit I was an asshole about it.

    I placed a lot of importance in being “book smart”. I was double-majoring, always on the Dean’s list, and tied a lot of my self-worth to my academic performance. I loved that people perceived me as smart – and I never missed an opportunity to lean into that perception.

    My husband had a major that was well-known to be “easy” at our school. He never failed a class, but he never pulled all-nighters studying or perfecting a paper. He never cried over a B (or any grade). He rarely turned down things he really wanted to do in favor of going to the library. And he didn’t really care if someone thought he wasn’t smart and didn’t seem to want to prove that perception wrong.

    And I absolutely thought my approach was better. I thought I was smarter. And, much like you, I was absolutely wrong. After a decade+ together, I can’t even list all of the ways he is just plain smarter than me. Me choosing to devote free time to reading or other “intellectual” activities doesn’t change that. He is a smarter, kinder, more confident person than I am, and he inspires me to be a better person than I am.

    “Intellect” isn’t as narrowly defined as you seem to think it is. Being passionate about history, enjoying museums, and seeking out academic knowledge doesn’t make you smarter or more intellectual than your partner. You just have different interests, and you are unfairly deciding that your interests are a measure of great intelligence while hers are a representation of an absence of intellect.

    If a lack of significant number of shared interests is a dealbreaker for you, then this relationship may not go the distance. But don’t kid yourself into thinking it’s because you simply have more “intellect”.

  17. Gender disappointment is a thing a lot of people experience, moms and dads. I was disappointed I was having a girl, I wanted a boy. Doesn’t mean I love my kid any less, which is exactly what OP is saying.

  18. tell him about your concerns about him not feeling present WITHOUT bringing up sexuality. its weird you assume hes gay because you just “feel” like he is?

  19. Break up with your child’s mom; not only are you not happy and she cheated on you (even if not in person), but I doubt she’s very happy either knowing that you’re always a moments away from cheating on her. There’s no way this relationship is sustainable. If you really want to make it work, look into therapy and be completely honest with her about everything you’ve done behind her back. If not, end things, figure out co-parenting options (potentially look into a lawyer to figure things out with), and let her move on too.

  20. Some jokes aren't funny. A lot of cross gender joking tends to be taken the wrong way.

    Tell her she crossed the line and needs to be more sensitive to your insecurities. If she continues the jokes, then you know she's not joking.

  21. After another long conversation, she finally gave up on MIL coming along, so it's just the price for the 4 of us.

    The costs for everyone involved were astronomical. I didn't realise travel prices had risen so much since I had last checked. It's like $2,000 per person just for the flights and the cheapest accommodation was like $6,000 for just one week during off peak season that we would have to split. I no longer have that kind of money.

    My wife surprisingly opened up to the option of us traveling longer and going to my parents so we wouldn't have to meet halfway. The best part about this option is there's zero chance my MIL would want to join us.

    My wife finally understood that my kids wouldn't have that bonding time if my parents were to be there.

    Just about everything got sorted favorably. 🙂

    As I said, it wasn't anything major but sometimes having a third perspective really helps so thank you so much for your comments 🙂

  22. My sister does know, yeah. Our mother abused her too, although less.

    She's manipulated everhone into thinking “changed” (and finds ways to make everyone dependant on her- in this case she's going to be providing my sister with a LOT of free childcare) and now I'm the unreasonable one for still holding a grudge. 🙄

    My family spelling out to me that they're not going to stand up for me and are going to chose bio mother is too much to handle rn so I'm not going to ask yet. When I'm ready for the answer to be no I will.

  23. Do you ever man up in life or do you always just rollover and take it? You got to fight for what you want in life. Cold day in hell if my wife thought she could take my cat without the worst legal fight of her life happening. Get all the payment records you have and make sure you get evidence of adultery. You wife is going to be sucking off another guy and you sit here wondering if you should be okay with it lmao.

  24. Welcome to married life. If you can't be around your wife, hot, you either need to seek Marriage Counseling, or divorce her, for her sake.

  25. He is young and prob super horny and unable to manage his actions properly.

    Bullshit. He has complete control of his actions.

  26. Nope not vindictive. You’re protecting your peace. Getting a divorce and I’m the same way you are I get attached. Husband has brought up sex several times and laugh it off because nope nope nope. We still on-line in the same house but sleep in different rooms. I’m not interested in having sec with him.

  27. She really needs to find a job that she doesn't hate and brings in enough income to support building a future together.

  28. Your husband is an ignorant, pretentious snob. Possibly a racist, too.

    Does he know the US is plagued with gun deaths where little kids are mowed down at school every week? And other countries think it's a lawless slum? Good grief.

    Go with your baby. Have fun. Brace yourself for when you come back and have to deal with him again. Yuck

  29. If it looks like you don't take care of yourself – perhaps you can keep the punk ambience but spiff things up a bit. No torn clothing, boots polished, things like that? Be freshly showered, etc. Why don't you ask her for more info.

  30. It’s not what you want to hear but you already know the answer to this one.

    Counselling can help you listen to each other in a “safe space” and maybe stabilize emotions if you do choose to split.

    Or maybe you’ll both settle for a dog which might defer the problem till she truly realizes her “last chance” in about 10 years.

    Call it now or later but don’t let her sacrifice years before gaining clarity. Get to the real deal asap. Have you talked to her friends or her family about it?

  31. It’s not what you want to hear but you already know the answer to this one.

    Counselling can help you listen to each other in a “safe space” and maybe stabilize emotions if you do choose to split.

    Or maybe you’ll both settle for a dog which might defer the problem till she truly realizes her “last chance” in about 10 years.

    Call it now or later but don’t let her sacrifice years before gaining clarity. Get to the real deal asap. Have you talked to her friends or her family about it?

  32. I have seen the other side too, which is even worse – the one that didn't want kids caves in order not to break up and ends up a regretful and uninterested parent, and the marriage (or relationship) ends up anyway. Sadly, now there is a kid in the mix. OP and his gf may be perfect, but not for each other.

  33. The relationship will not get better in the future. She's blackmailing you and will likely gaslight you as well.

    The ultimatum likely has less to do with her not caring about football, and more of an opportunity for her to see how much she can wrap you around her finger.

    Run

  34. I am a serial dater and I have never settled down. I have a daughter with one ex girlfriend and my daughter is now living with me. So I would say that life goes on. If she wants to leave and she is taking little things and blowing them out of proportion than give her her walking papers and move on. Life gets better.

  35. Honestly, if you guys can’t do couples therapy, this is gonna be a hell of a thing to table until you’re done with your masters

  36. This is the cutest shit I have ever heard and I would love it if my fiancé went the extra mile like that. We do movie nights every so often with the popcorn and the snacks and stuff and a few drinks and it is really nice and cozy.

    You didn't do anything wrong sis he is just ungrateful.

  37. This is the cutest shit I have ever heard and I would love it if my fiancé went the extra mile like that. We do movie nights every so often with the popcorn and the snacks and stuff and a few drinks and it is really nice and cozy.

    You didn't do anything wrong sis he is just ungrateful.

  38. First off the getting blackout is a huge problem for anyone of any age. Don't do it, yes it's a mistake but it's a real big one and the consequences here were big but could have been way way worse. Your BF is paranoid but not without good reason. From his perspective your entire story would be really damn sus. If you would have called him he would have been irritated maybe but he wouldn't be suspicious. You have the benefit of saying “oh I was drunk I don't know what I was thinking oh well silly drunk me” and he doesn't have much of a recourse. Why would he trust you to go out in the evening? You proved that he can't lol, you demonstrated that you aren't mature enough to go out and have some drinks and not get full blackout drunk. This is a reasonable concern on his part. If my partner pulled this I would be greatful she was alive and safe but I would start considering if I wanted to be with someone like this.

  39. I hate these comments. He’s a middle aged man. He knows he’s being lazy. Drop him. If he wanted to put the effort in, he would.

  40. Honsetly, I think you're realising his explanation of the problem are simply bad excuses.

    I saw in your comments you're worried about your sister, and you've every right to be. I'd point out to her, when she brings up the hypocrite stuff, you should admit to that. But tell her about your circumstances and why you're concerned for her. Tell her that shes got potential for so much more; an older guy might show her possible lifestyles but is that really the lifestule she wants? The guy she is with is a full grown adult and doesn't act like one- a fully evolved slob by your description. He won't change and no relationship is gonna make him better, and really is she gonna get anything good out of being with him? Good luck with your sister.

    Now about your situation: I think that now you've improved your situation and taking better care of yourself, you recognise the shitty choices- you to stay and him taking advantage of you in a vulnerable state. His actions are worse, and you are worried that he's manipulated you into thinking it's ok, because when you 1st met you accepted it.

    Maybe you're worried you will go back to the bad times or that you're a bad person. But you're not- you're out of that situation and you recognise your actions were bad and you want to do good, admit to what happened and improve. Give yourself credit that you're better now.

    Thing is, he has accepted his actions, but not in the same way you do. He excuses it, because that's how he sees it and that's how he attributes his actions: may be it's bad but it worked out for him. Why would he essentially rake it up? There's nothing to fix for him.

    You're not on the same page about this, and probably never will be. He is who he is, regardless of how much you love him or have valued some of his guidance. You cannot erase the past or behaviour or parts of people you don't like. There's no starting afresh and you cant make people do things you want to do, including improving themselves or the relationship.

  41. I think it would be a nice in-person conversation to have. I’ve never had the exclusivity talk via text, that seems a little too detached for the subject matter. Being face to face will make it special 🙂 also, if she says she’s not ready for that yet I’d just be cool about it and tell her you’re still willing to date and have fun but you eventually want something exclusive.

  42. This is unhinged. Seriously this isn't normal. I've had some INCREDIBLY WIERD and disturbing dreams – everyone has. Some dreams may give you psychological insight (like if you keep having the same dream of falling that can be reasonable predictor of anxiety you're not addressing) but some dreams are literally just random neurons firing and mixing and mashing different memories and associations.

    This is a her issue, not a you issue, and you aren't her therapist. If she holds what you do in her dreams against you and she can't stop doing so I'd leave.

  43. I would talk with him now. You don't want him thinking he has a few pass to make out while on vacation. He'll def do it if you don't say something.

  44. This could be a cheats way out but to soften the blow I would go for something like ‘right I’ve got a lot of work coming up so I’m off grid for the foreseeable and won’t be responding to any messages. If you need to talk I’m sure the xxx group we’re on will help’ And blow away that way.

  45. I did. “We share our location for several issues”. What does that mean?

    FYI I don't know where my supervisor lives and haven't ever needed to. If I did know, I wouldn't be calling around all the time it's a Sus.

  46. This seems like sound advice. Your compliments alone aren’t going to magically going to change her insecurities, unfortunately.

  47. Three weeks in and she’s already making demands and trying to control you. I don’t know, dude. I think I’d get the hell out.

  48. I would text her saying you are here for her, didnt want to cause any harm and if she wants to talk you are open for it. you just texted her because you dont know if she needs space, doesnt know what to do or if she isnt sure about what to say. Also if she doesnt think of you that way its ok and she just has to tell you.

    And after that the ball is in her field 🤷‍♀️

  49. You will always regret it if you don’t go to your graduation. Tell a friend about all of this, let them have your back and be there for you. Most importantly, be there for yourself!

    Congratulations.

  50. She can call it what she wants but the Rhythm Method Is a guide for getting pregnant more likely. There is no day you are 100% safe to do it.

  51. Nah, it's not about the masculinity. He doesn't want her taking on debt when they are planning on starting a family. What happens if her pregnancy takes her out of the workforce? Then he's gonna have to work to pay that car note.

  52. Options. He's keeping them around as a back up plan and that's just shitty. Shitty to you, and shitty to them. I almost feel like him telling you was a thinly veiled threat that he'd have women waiting, you know what I'm saying? Idk. It seems and feels “off” somehow and very manipulative.

    I hope he's a genuine decent partner, but I'd keep my guard up. Most of us have been cheated on by a guy who was “just friends” with some girl or his ex. Just be careful.

  53. I think your best bet then is to tell her you want to do couple counseling about all this. Maybe with a third party who is more objective would help her feel more comfortable opening up and working through this. But I do have some questions…

    You said she says something is off about the marriage. Do you know why she would think that? Has your romantic habits changed or anything.

    You said she says you are always with the assistant. Is this true? If so, has she seen this woman giggling at most things you say, touch your arm, leaning towards you or anything like that?

    So she is correct that you stay at the office late since the woman has been working there. But your reasoning is due to a project. Is there any way you can change this or show her the project and why it’s needed extra attention?

  54. If he were fucking you properly, you probably wouldn’t be repulsed by his body. I don’t think you’re contemplating ending this for shallow reasons, you’re contemplating ending it bc you’re sexually unsatisfied and he shows no signs of wanting to change or caring about your pleasure. You say you’re feeling used. This is anti-attraction, this feeling ruins romantic feelings towards a partner. He’s acting like your pleasure is not worth his effort or time.

    I feel bad for the both of you- him for his self esteem problems, and you for your lack of feeling desired by this person. I wish you luck, and I hope he does get the help he needs.

  55. No, his values didn’t change overnight. He can change, but he has to put in some work. He should be single while he does it and you shouldn’t sit around watching.

    My daughter was in an emotionally abusive relationship when she was 18. He was very controlling about what she wore and how her hair looked among other things. I don’t think he laid a hand on her, but he did put holes in the wall. I have no doubt that if she had stayed, he would’ve started hitting her.

    If you take him back, he’ll probably try to baby trap you. If you take him back, he’ll see that all he has to do is throw a tantrum, and then shower you with apologies and gifts to win you back. I promise that not all men are like this. As I’m double your age now, and did all the marriage and having babies way early, my advice is to learn to enjoy singlehood and enjoy some more of your 20s. Build some solid friendships and find yourself before you get too worried about finding “the one”.

  56. Weeks? How about years. Literally decades later I have realized that a boy in college was asking me in a date.

  57. What is this “signal” you keep talking about? Are women homing beacons or something? Do we scan a code in your system to know we've been “signaled”? How do we know we've been “signaled”? Does a switch go off in our brains when we receive the signal and suddenly we can't control ourselves around the “Alpha” that “signaled” us?

    I have so many questions

  58. Tell your husband that him talking to this woman makes you uncomfortable and is making you aecond guess the relationship.. she is no long allowed to be in the friend category as he broke it off with you to pursue her, whether it was 50 years ago or 13 doesn't matter.

    Simply say

    ” I don't want you talking to her anymore it makes me uncomfortable and I will not be made to feel uncomfortable or second best in my own marriage. I also read the messages with you and her and how you said your time with her was the best of your life.. I'm giving you two options cut contact now and block her or get the hell out of my life, there is no middle ground after your history, and with that message I'm already one foot out this marriage so you decision right now determines whether this marriage ends tonight”

    Don't hold back, he messages to her are inappropriate and he can have you or have her not both

  59. Sunk cost fallacy. You don't want to lose what you invested but it's turned out you're not getting the return you expected. Your emotionally tied to this situation but you may be able to find someone who will marry you. You won't know until you leave this guy and see what's out there.

    He's ignored you for years. I'd pull out the paperwork on the house and figure out what are the consequences if you break up. You buy him out? He buys you out? How much do you make if you sell the house and split the money? I would start with that move and see what happens.

    No talking will work unless you have and or else. In this case, you need to be firm that the relationship will end.

  60. The other OP has a good idea.

    Having a letter or outline is a good start. If you don't feel like talking about it in person either, text also works.

    Do what communication method works best for you and makes you feel the most confident.

    GL, you got this.

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