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SexyCreolyta4u, 30 y.o.
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Online Live Sex Chat rooms SexyCreolyta4u
Date: October 9, 2022
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No matter how I worded it, you are still insecure about your relationship and she deserves better.
It's naked to say, the way her trauma has affected her, she's often doesn't clue in that she's doing things until well after. But what happened with joining her with the psychedelic was way too thought out (perhaps overthought) by the both of us, there's no way she was on autopilot for that. She had suggested the idea of me joining in on a trip the night before – apparently having physical contact while on the stuff can help ground the emotional energy way faster, and make it far easier to regulate the nervous system. We waited until the next day after we had a chance to read through a chapter in a book on the subject to get an idea of what might happen, so it certainly wasn't a spur of the moment, absent minded decision. Plus, as we were reading more and more about the possibility of sexual arousal occurring, she seemed to get even more excited to try it, making lots of flirty comments (“you're going to have a fun time moving me around”). She did not shy away from the fact that her entire body, genitals included, was on the table for physical contact, and that a lot of the sensations we might experience were supposed to be what great sex was like.
I feel like an asshole for saying this, but I've suspected for a while based on things she's said about her past (and to a certain extent she's confirmed) that she's attracted to men to a certain extent, but she closed off that part of herself and retreated into a fully lesbian identity to cope with various sexual, emotional, and physical abuses from her family while growing up. She spent her early life being treated like garbage, and found it easier to survive by resigning herself to being treated as such than stand up for herself. Given her homophobic family, I suspect that included taking all their bigotry, beatings, and molestations, and internalizing it until she “became” the lesbian they despised. She's ultimately the only one who can figure out who she is, but I've seen her go through so many motions and not get anywhere, it's absolutely heartbreaking to watch her when it's so obvious she's not living her authentic self. Regardless of whatever intent she may have for me, I love her deeply – not because of anything potentially sexual or romantic, but because I appreciate and accept her for who she is, and want to see her flourish as she recovers from her past.