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Steffi, 18 y.o.
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Date: November 3, 2022
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At your age (as someone who got there recently himself) people just don’t have the patience for the damsel in distress thing anymore.
I understand your problem was real and it wasn’t realistic for him to lean on you- but from his perspective it was an equally frustrating situation that you were forcing him to resolve alone.
He can stand to have sympathy for when you don’t feel well but I do think you need to have sympathy for the difficult situation (in this example anyway) that your abandonment leaves him in, even if you can’t control it.
I hope the nuance here makes sense. I don’t think either of you are bad people. I think you both may be carrying expectations from earlier relationships that doing fit as well when you’re a little older.
are you telling me…asking your spouse how they met their new friend is toxic?
And then she can’t get the information from him so she’s gonna have her sister get involved now to try and figure out information ?!?!?
after he was super defensive, secretive, and got angry at op over simple harmless questions
Leave the damn guy alone he’s not doing anything wrong for having a friend
then there shouldn't be a problem with him answering basic questions
let’s be honest here …. OP isn’t gonna tell us 100 percent of what she has done or how easy going the convo is
this is about what she tells us not what she doesn't, so stop assuming random things
Skill issur
Honestly . . . It sounds like y’all have been on different pages for a long time. And I am struck by your phrasing, it almost sounds like you are a more passive participant in your relationship? Overall, from these seats it looks like you each have neglected to communicate to the other what you want in life and in your relationship, while at the same time making assumptions about what the other person wants in their life and in your relationship.
I would encourage you both to have a frank and respectful conversation with each other so you have a much better sense of where you stand and whether it makes sense to continue the relationship. And be careful not to fall into the sunk coat fallacy—just because you’ve spent years with someone already doesn’t mean you have to continue with them if the relationship isn’t right for you.
you are clueless.
Speaking from the man's perspective, this is a pretty profound thing to say. It is his way of saying that you were the special one that loved him enough to see it through. Loyalty to a man is probably the single most important thing we look for. Count yourself lucky. He is telling you something that means a lot. We men don't always have the best ways of putting our feelings into words. So his off the cuff answer might not have been well thought out or planned. That being said, he loves and appreciates you. Take it as a win, and don't over think it
Well, she has not moved on from her last relationship. There is no way you can be friends with your ex just after or within few months of breakup. She is lingering over the last relationship thru friendship with her ex, her ex's friends, discord n what not. It's not a long time ago that they were a couple.
I would advise u to get out of this relationship. Let her be. It's her job to find out how she will get over her past. Don't play a part in her drama.
U deserve a partner who has healed and not dragging you in her shit.
N for now please tell her you are uncomfortable with this bday party arrangement thing.
thank you, upon reading this ive came across this, – “Whereas when you’re pregnant, you’re more likely to seek out family members or those who are genetically similar to you to create a community to rally around your little family. Yikes.”, im not sure why this resonates with our situation but it does, ive done absolutely everything for her more than anyone has ever done and cared for her more than her own family but because our bad arguments and fights she only sees the bad side of me and she goes to her family then for comfort and opinions on the relationship when they were never there for her to begin with. does this make sense?
One thing I know for sure just from reading your post. YOURE AN AWESOME GUY THAT MANY WOMEN WOULD BE LUCKY TO HAVE!! And don’t you ever forget that Brother! Change your head talk, be proud of yourself. You attracted a 10/10 just being yourself!
Just keep being yourself and don’t ever talk down to yourself again.
Definitely go for a walk and talk
Take him from her. She is a shitty dog owner.
“Look babe, you may look like a bald raisin, but I’ll still love you no matter what. That being said, buy a wig cause that cranium fucking blinds people the county over when the sun hits it.”
try that bro i just wrote that up for you free of charge
It would make you creepy and would show her that you don’t respect her boundaries. Quick way to end the friendship if that’s what you are looking to do
ahh okay I hope I will find the courage to go to him. I am still processing it. Hopefully he will believe me. My therapist wanted to call him herself haha..
Girl… please at this point it's too much. He seems to clearly cheat. Even if he isn't it's very sketchy.
sending me a message saying “it’s giving sexy hourglass”
he was defending after she acted in a hostile way towards
found a scrunchie that isn’t mine behind his bed,
These would be the worst for me.
But I would end it even if only for the fact that he can't clean his fucking room tbh.
You are very much welcome! I put it bluntly in order to let the points come across but I think that, if he also loves you dearly, a good, well-structured, honest and respectful discussion can make it work. Agree on goals and work on it, do not be shy to talk about it. It is absolutely necessary. You both have to feel appreciated, valued, heard and respected. Good luck!
I don’t disagree that his fears are valid. I wasn’t trying to demonize him, just wanting make the point that some of my biggest life problems also bother him. I really like the language you suggested in talking to him again about it. Thank you for your time and thoughts!
You told her already and she gave you an answer. That's it I think.
Appreciate you queen
Yes this! Cheating no. Absolutly not the right behaviour in a relationship and disrespecting. Yes!
You’re the queen just start believing it
Good for you for intervening and physically punishing your step-daughter’s abuser. Ultimately, you need to support your daughters decision, but she should not be with him and try to patiently educate her about abuse, the patriarchy, and healthy relationships. From experience, it’s difficult as a young woman to identify emotional/physical abuse in your relationships because of how normalized it is unfortunately, but you can help guide her. Once she realizes that she’s being manipulated and that her boyfriend’s behavior is abusive, she will hopefully be able to leave him with your support. Let her know that you will intervene again if he’s on your property and being abusive. And that you will be there to emotionally and if able, financially help her once she decides to leave him.
He said the main reason why he is being like this is to salvage what we have left so that there is potential for a future. He thinks that this will force us to better enjoy our time spent together and appreciate it, although currently, I am blocked on all social media and likely will not add me back, although I have not asked
Reading this makes me feel sick, because if I was giving advice to my friend in my situation, I would be so devastated. She is wasting time with him, but my heart is pushing me to stick it out, and to believe in a positive outcome.
You like ass breath.?♀️? I didn’t know it was hot to brush your teeth lmao!!!
Straighten your spine. Never be anyone's Option B. Stop performing boyfriend duties when you are not a boyfriend. Get some distance. Respond way slower if at all. Be busy. Not bitter, not mean, just busy.
He is trying to control you and constantly stomps your boundaries. Now he is ignoring you for standing up for yourself. Wait for him to respond before you send any more messages- the ball is in his court.
Drunk is a cop out., if you forgive him set strong definitive boundaries
How is he sweet and sensitive yet he's homophobic and sexist and also disrespectful to your beliefs?
And after you tell him this, tell your husband to mind his own marriage and keep his nose out of theirs.
You leave dude. That’s how you deal with it.
You’ve made your position clear… and she’s made clear that she doesn’t give a shit. Leave and find someone who has respect for your relationship.
You leave dude. That’s how you deal with it.
You’ve made your position clear… and she’s made clear that she doesn’t give a shit. Leave and find someone who has respect for your relationship.
That's fucked up man, I'm sorry. That's cheating in my book.
No idea why your wife would ever think that was appropriate.
This is how I read it: when her partner asked to go further than kissing and touching, she said no. He then proceeded to massage OP, and OP again said that she won’t go further than that. He then stops and leaves.
That to me said that he tried again with a massage, after OP said no the first time. OP also wrote “he put it away” which to me says that he whipped it out, but I could be completely wrong.
He probably feels like you replaced him but at 15 he needs to communicate this, being violent isn’t the way to go and you have a newborn now you have to protect, if he really did tried to fight your wife, unfortunately he needs to go
Tell her there isn't anything she can do to fix things, and she can't erase cheating. At this point, she can work with you for a civil divorce and a good co-parenting setup. That's it.
Let your attorney know she doesn't want to accept the marriage is over and how to move forward.
I think that you are expecting too much additional stuff for this first time slip of the tongue in frustration. Your conversation and his response is sufficient at this time. He took responsibility and agreed to better. Give him the opportunity to do better. If he doesn’t change then you have something to be upset about.
All these red flags and yet you decided to breed with him. You're just as bad as him for making that choice and bringing a child into this stupid useless relationship.
Look I agree with you here. If I was in a relationship and he stopped sex with zero explanation a few months in I would be out of there so fucking fast.
But, it's clear OP wants to keep trying. So people are helping him communicate this effectively. No biggie. It's his time and his feelings.
Damn… how many time you been cheated on? Yikes.
It’s immature to not understand different people have different comfort levels and that people can view respect in relationships differently. Plenty of people find entertaining exes or suitors disrespectful and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Huh. So everyone who has ever been in a relationship that ended thinks and behaves in exactly the same way with no exceptions when it comes to interacting with past partners. Makes sense, that’s definitely super logical and way less ridiculous than making that claim about only half the earth’s population.
Or…maybe your own limited experience isn’t automatically a universal and fundamental truth about human nature just because you say it is. Just a thought.
Didn’t read past the title. This guy is a chump. Real men who are interested and care about you will not play petty games.
Pick your self respect up off the floor. Dust it off and move on. Don’t accept less than you deserve.
What would you say to your sister if someone did this to her??
Why do you want to be with someone that old, much less someone that old who cheats? He is trying to get a response out of you. Cats throw up all the time. Ghost him.
From what I’ve read, this isn’t that unusual. It is a hang up that he needs help in getting through. I’d ignore the comments to leave, to separate, that he only saw you as an object before, or to assume it will be like this forever. And definitely Italy don’t try an open relationship..,that would be a disaster I think. Just read the posts on here of couples who aren’t having these issues who try the open route and ruin their marriages. You’re doing the right first step to do counseling. If he can’t get over this, then you have to make a decision, but not yet. Good luck.
He's not over her. It's very obvious. He literally just admitted he had to settle for someone else (you) because he couldn't forgive her. Why are you putting up with this?
You don’t make her see your side. You are not compatible.
Even if it is “just his kink” the fact that he did it without previously discussing it with you and making sure you are ok with it is highly problematic. Be careful.
Moving in quick changes nothing except the fact that you will know how well you on-line together, earlier.
The ONLY way to know if you’re compatible long term is to live together- do not listen to people who insist on taking time to get engaged/married beforehand, that’s absurd.
If you truly work together well as a team, there is no better test than living together and making things work within 1 household.
Take it from someone in an 11 year (marriage free) relationship- the ones who rushed the marriages BEFORE cohabitating are divorced now.
Good luck!
It is fine to have boundaries while living together as coparents who were once casual hookups.
But ultimatums along the lines of 'it's fwb or nothing', 'it's committed relationship or nothing' will only lead to an unhealthy household dynamic.
Best to focus on being the best possible parents to your baby.
You may want to get some legal advice on the child support & custody situation if one of you moves out and whether palimony is applicable in your local area.
I'd ask him why he cares so much about something that has nothing to do with him. I'd also ask him why he feels like he's a white woman.
You are completely right. I deserve everything you say. Im gonna think about what u said and try to find the answer to why that would be. But you are right..
I agree. It’s unfortunate but that’s how it has to be.
You are also one of those people who would rather lie than just tell the truth. Start living by your principles and tell your girlfriend the truth about what you did and why.
This is similar to my brothers situation that occurred at the end of 2022 with his now ex fiancé.
He tracked her twice and then confronted her however she still lied even when she knew she’d been caught and the lies just got worse from there.
I think that you should track her a few more times so that you have consistent evidence to go off as opposed to just one incidence.
Be aware though that there’s a good chance she will lie to you upon you confronting her and you may never get the full story if she is cheating on you, in which case, you may have to be willing to walk away without knowing everything and without closure.
I agree. I really don’t see the problem
So, honest question, where do you see this relationship going? Marriage, house, kids? He’s not responsible enough with money for any of that. Don’t combine your finances with his in any way. Split costs 50/50 is fine, but don’t co-sign any loans or leases. And buy the car you can afford on your own. Let him him borrow it if you must. He can kick in for insurance and repairs, but it should be in your name only. Someone with this much debt shouldn’t be taking on more debt. Paying it off should be his top priority. I honestly don’t know how you try to build a life with someone so unconcerned about being on safe financial footing.
Has she done similar things like this in the past? Is she often hung up on the cost of things you buy her? As a one off, it could just be she lacks any sort of common sense with this particular issue. If she does it with other things, I’d be concerned.
Whatever the case, she’s being extremely rude and she doubled down instead of listening to you when you said she was being offensive. That by itself is a problem. She also seems overly concerned with the cost despite your agreement. That’s strange behavior. It was settled. Now it isn’t?
Have you done any premarital counseling? That might be a good idea.
His behavior is probably why she wants to go out without him in the first place.