You should’ve broken up before ever getting pregnant based off your replies. You may want a man but don’t be desperate by staying with someone like this. There are plenty of adults that don’t mind being a step-parent and will be good partners.
Your replies are annoying af! Stop justifying or defending his actions. Just because you think your kids weren’t around (out of your sight) doesn’t mean they won’t be in the future, especially if you keep this one.
Whenever you choose to do it, it will be nude. But don’t drag it into next school year. It will take away from you school experience and making friends. You’ll be upset and distracted and out of sorts and it will be a very very hot transition for you.
I do think you should talk to your best friend about it and see what she has to say. Just like you said, your husband gifted her something very intimate, she probably did feel uncomfortable but you’ll never know unless you talk with her. I don’t think you should just let this go because it’s going to be in the back of your mind and you’re obviously bothered by it so you need to communicate what you’re feeling as well. I think your husband needs to apologize to her as well, he crossed a boundary because he didn’t communicate with you, and he didn’t even think if something like that would make you or her uncomfortable. Communication is key!
The same thing happened to me too, this so called 'friend' could not get enough of my boyfriend, she came over every single day with full makeup on. He could not stand her and went to the bedroom every single time she came over and asked me how I can have friends like her?
She did all she could to get his attention. He did all he could to deny her any attention. She was evil and manipulative, told me how much in love I am, but was not so sure about how much in love he was with me.
Your boyfriend did the right thing, he looked away and refused to play her 'game'. You are lucky to have him xxx
You're paying 5-8k a month on the loans and are still 6 figures deep? And why is the amount so variable? That seems to imply there are a lot of unnecessary expenses that could be cut out to allow her to find something that isn't soul-crushing.
I understand that her choice in careers is harming your well-being, but it sounds like there are alternatives.
What is so bad about being alone? You get to do what you want, when you want. You get to figure out who you are and what you enjoy or are good at. You are 21, who are you? Do you like to travel? School? What is your passion? You have never had time to grow and develop on your own. Love is not enough, and it does not conquer all. Be selfish, and focus on yourself. You deserve this time, you will never get your youth back- enjoy it and explore.
Yeah. IMO the problem with this sub isn't that we tell people to break up so often (people are usually in dire straits when they post here) but that we're so glib about it (myself included!). Breaking up is fucking NUDE no matter what kind of relationship you have and it'd be nice if that was acknowledged.
I would break it off with her (separate beds), but tell her you’d be willing to put off selling the house etc until it’s easier for her to manage. That way she won’t have to try to juggle going back and forth between two houses if she’d rather stay at her dads .
Well I mean I’m not attracted to guys I don’t think. Like I wouldn’t kiss a guy ya know not even try it. I’m definitely into girls as far as I know. I get what you mean though about preferences. Thanks
No, that’s a conflict of interests. He should know better. He could manipulate you and take advantage of the situation. It’s not ethical.
And what exactly is his job, that allows a 21 year old to be a therapist? Because he clearly hasn’t been trained enough to know that what he’s proposing isn’t ethical.
If your husband thinks it's in any way appropriate to be your therapist, it really speaks to how unqualified he really is about the subject. But I suspect he knows this and has other reasons for how demanding he is about the subject, reasons mainly surrounding controlling and manipulating your feelings about your relationship with him.
You need to find someone else to talk to about those subjects or find another partner, as she’s already told you in so many words she finds those topics either too complicated or too stressful to talk about.
Well, I think we'd both like to rekindle the friendship we had before we fucked it up by dating. While I'm not sure that's possible, we'll probably keep bumping into each other and I'd like to make it less awkward
He asked you to be his mistress, to cheat on his wife. That was his first opinion of you, some one who would be the 'other woman'. Man he looked down on you, really.
He tried and tried to get you because you are the one who got away, an itch in his heart until he can sleep with you, sort of like a trophy (just like his ex wife) that he wins the prize for his effort.
Since when did you do get together? Because if the punishment started after that, maybe Jane isn't hurt by past events, she wanted to get togethet with your bf but since he is with you, she can't do that and is jealous.
To all women who arnt having steady sex with your man i promise your connection isn't as strong as your making it sound, he is just hiding it because divorce sucks.
OP im sorry that all the women are making you out to be the problem here. Regardless of how you are non sex time she is making a negative effort in your relationship bordering on mental abuse. I understand if she was trying some then maybe there is other things you can do but she sounds checked out.
You can try counseling but i doubt that will help at this point. Id probably in your shoes ask her if she is invested in making your marriage work, cause it doesn't sound like it.
I feel like she is touching you less and less to push you away.
If you cant afford to divorce her then we'll do what you have to, to be happy. You get one life dont let society and a women who is abusing you let you waste that life.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. I myself have been guilty of blurring out the awful when tequila drunk. But I'm usually honest about it.
If he's being romantic with other women when drunk, that's a sign you might be in trouble. You could try couples therapy, but honestly he isn't going to make much progress if he isn't in therapy on his own as well. He needs therapy, and he need AA.
If he can't agree to stop drinking, and get help, I would leave. That's disrespectful, drunk or sober I expect you to behave appropriately.
Introduce bed bugs into the house and let them bite him while he sleeps.
That’s all I’ve got. Unless you know a way to give him migraines.
Also, you know you need to divorce him. You have children. They hear him. They’re either learning to be perverts or to get groomed by one. Either way, a horrible outcome for your babies.
Worth asking her if she can tell a difference during oral, if she does that. Vaginismus isn't going to affect her mouth. I agree with those saying maybe you both should get checked out. No, they don't grow with age. I promise we would ALL know if that was possible lol
After reading this and all the comments, I am just dying to know how this turns out! Please post one or more updates when you have something to share.
This is one of the more interesting situations that have appeared on this sub recently. If and how you're able to resolve it (or not) might provide others with insights into their own relationship challenges. Good luck!
There’s really nothing to be torn about here. He’s an adult who has the agency to make his own decisions. You’ve been together for a long time. You obviously haven’t trapped him.
Why would you be more involved in family things when they treat you like shit?
You then make the same argument you made in your post which I honestly didn’t address intentionally, because I hate the argument. But since you said it again, I’ll tell you why. You don’t need to make him understand that you love him no matter what. That’s not at all in question. I’m sure he knows you love him no matter what.
His struggle is not being able to establish boundaries with his family, because he’s afraid of what might happen if he tries to do so. He doesn’t need reassurance that if he loses them, he’ll be fine because he has you. He needs to know that he won’t lose his family.
You also might logically accept that they don’t like you and see it as “it is what it is.” If he’s going to have a relationship with them, that’s completely unsustainable. You’re also here with an “it’s me or them” proposition. If that’s the case, they win. If you want any chance at this working, you need to be pushing him to firmly speak up and demand they respect you and his decision. If they won’t, if he can’t walk away from them, no argument about how much you love him is going to matter.
Move out. You are not the ones “ripping the family apart.” If your parents want to get angry and throw a fit and create rifts because you're moving to your own house, that's their choice. It's not your job to let them literally hold your own family hostage.
Make the choices that are best for your wife, your child, and yourself, and let your parents and brothers know that you are happy to maintain a good relationship with them as long as they can be friendly and respectful.
Me and my girlfriend take turns cooking and thought: Wouldn't it be nice if the other person would do the dishes afterwards? The answer was: No! I clean the kitchen while I cook, so it looks kind of okay afterwards. My gf leaves the kitchen like a battlefield.
This was really annoying until I introduced the responsibility principle: The person who cooks is also responsible for cleaning the kitchen. Sure, you have to do two chores in one day, but it's way less frustrating than having to clean someone else's mess. I am convinced that this agreement has single-handedly saved our relationship.
Frankly, it sounds to me like a crime has occurred been committed. If she was impaired, could she have freely given consent? Not only is his brother a loser but possibly worse than that.
Yeah, I was wondering if anyone was going to bring up that part. I’m not at all excusing the omission, but it sounds like the encounter wasn’t exactly full of consent, and I’m betting there’s a lot of shame embedded in there. This isn’t exactly as black and white as people are trying to make it out to be. I’d definitely say some counseling is in order.
I feel like I am locked in this relationship since he has spent a lot of money on me, and I would feel selfish leavjng him.
Absolutely not true. You can break up with him for any reason and no matter how much money he has spent on you. (You've also been together “upwards of 3 months now”, how much money has he spent you that it's an issue? That seems like a big red flag.)
I don't think you love her at all. Nothing you said in your post indicated that you have any empathy with her or care about her at all. If sex is more important to you than she is just admit it and leave. If it isn't, stop leading with your dick and actually try to develop some empathy for her exhausting life.
Okay nerd with no evidence and all self projection
The number of “Turns out my partner is a slob who won't cook, clean or pay bills” posts on here should be warning enough.
She doesn't want a relationship but you are going on a date? It never seemed like you truly went NC… Very confused what is going on here
OK. Go with that.
No.
You should’ve broken up before ever getting pregnant based off your replies. You may want a man but don’t be desperate by staying with someone like this. There are plenty of adults that don’t mind being a step-parent and will be good partners.
Your replies are annoying af! Stop justifying or defending his actions. Just because you think your kids weren’t around (out of your sight) doesn’t mean they won’t be in the future, especially if you keep this one.
Whenever you choose to do it, it will be nude. But don’t drag it into next school year. It will take away from you school experience and making friends. You’ll be upset and distracted and out of sorts and it will be a very very hot transition for you.
Honestly, I’m pretty sure none of the people who commented on this post, me included — would want to be your friend
I do think you should talk to your best friend about it and see what she has to say. Just like you said, your husband gifted her something very intimate, she probably did feel uncomfortable but you’ll never know unless you talk with her. I don’t think you should just let this go because it’s going to be in the back of your mind and you’re obviously bothered by it so you need to communicate what you’re feeling as well. I think your husband needs to apologize to her as well, he crossed a boundary because he didn’t communicate with you, and he didn’t even think if something like that would make you or her uncomfortable. Communication is key!
The same thing happened to me too, this so called 'friend' could not get enough of my boyfriend, she came over every single day with full makeup on. He could not stand her and went to the bedroom every single time she came over and asked me how I can have friends like her?
She did all she could to get his attention. He did all he could to deny her any attention. She was evil and manipulative, told me how much in love I am, but was not so sure about how much in love he was with me.
Your boyfriend did the right thing, he looked away and refused to play her 'game'. You are lucky to have him xxx
We are both consenting adults.
Ohh, I didn't think of that. Yes, this seems very possible.
You're paying 5-8k a month on the loans and are still 6 figures deep? And why is the amount so variable? That seems to imply there are a lot of unnecessary expenses that could be cut out to allow her to find something that isn't soul-crushing.
I understand that her choice in careers is harming your well-being, but it sounds like there are alternatives.
u/Healthy_Note2245, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.
The right way to do it is to create a brand new Reddit account that begins with ThrowRA.
Please create a new account that starts with ThrowRA in the username and try again. Please note that we will not make exceptions to this rule.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Unless……….
u/throwaway990462, it looks like you're trying to post a throwaway submission. Your account is too young and/or your comment karma is too low.
The right way to do it is to create a brand new Reddit account that begins with ThrowRA.
Please create a new account that starts with ThrowRA in the username and try again. Please note that we will not make exceptions to this rule.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
INFO: Are you gonna be the one to pay all her bills, food and gas expenses if she doesn't work?
Even if so your wrong to try and control what she does when you've only been together a month! She's not a possession she's a person
What is so bad about being alone? You get to do what you want, when you want. You get to figure out who you are and what you enjoy or are good at. You are 21, who are you? Do you like to travel? School? What is your passion? You have never had time to grow and develop on your own. Love is not enough, and it does not conquer all. Be selfish, and focus on yourself. You deserve this time, you will never get your youth back- enjoy it and explore.
Yeah. IMO the problem with this sub isn't that we tell people to break up so often (people are usually in dire straits when they post here) but that we're so glib about it (myself included!). Breaking up is fucking NUDE no matter what kind of relationship you have and it'd be nice if that was acknowledged.
I would break it off with her (separate beds), but tell her you’d be willing to put off selling the house etc until it’s easier for her to manage. That way she won’t have to try to juggle going back and forth between two houses if she’d rather stay at her dads .
You need to cut lose from her. She can't even stand uo for herself to her daughter.
Well I mean I’m not attracted to guys I don’t think. Like I wouldn’t kiss a guy ya know not even try it. I’m definitely into girls as far as I know. I get what you mean though about preferences. Thanks
Or she can just file for divorce and get a court ordered test.
Your wife is a closet lesbian.
No, that’s a conflict of interests. He should know better. He could manipulate you and take advantage of the situation. It’s not ethical.
And what exactly is his job, that allows a 21 year old to be a therapist? Because he clearly hasn’t been trained enough to know that what he’s proposing isn’t ethical.
If your husband thinks it's in any way appropriate to be your therapist, it really speaks to how unqualified he really is about the subject. But I suspect he knows this and has other reasons for how demanding he is about the subject, reasons mainly surrounding controlling and manipulating your feelings about your relationship with him.
You need to find someone else to talk to about those subjects or find another partner, as she’s already told you in so many words she finds those topics either too complicated or too stressful to talk about.
Yeah I do feel bad sometimes but it wasn’t immediate and I do wait until they broke up first
Well, I think we'd both like to rekindle the friendship we had before we fucked it up by dating. While I'm not sure that's possible, we'll probably keep bumping into each other and I'd like to make it less awkward
She’s in tech. Mass layoffs. Sorry I didn’t elaborate
Lol that is a WILD thing of her to say
Don't reproduce with this woman. This is not a close call
Get in the car and drive Tf away. You’re both bad for each other
He asked you to be his mistress, to cheat on his wife. That was his first opinion of you, some one who would be the 'other woman'. Man he looked down on you, really.
He tried and tried to get you because you are the one who got away, an itch in his heart until he can sleep with you, sort of like a trophy (just like his ex wife) that he wins the prize for his effort.
Since when did you do get together? Because if the punishment started after that, maybe Jane isn't hurt by past events, she wanted to get togethet with your bf but since he is with you, she can't do that and is jealous.
If you’re not able to go this summer, do you expect them to just not go until next year?
To all women who arnt having steady sex with your man i promise your connection isn't as strong as your making it sound, he is just hiding it because divorce sucks.
OP im sorry that all the women are making you out to be the problem here. Regardless of how you are non sex time she is making a negative effort in your relationship bordering on mental abuse. I understand if she was trying some then maybe there is other things you can do but she sounds checked out.
You can try counseling but i doubt that will help at this point. Id probably in your shoes ask her if she is invested in making your marriage work, cause it doesn't sound like it.
I feel like she is touching you less and less to push you away.
If you cant afford to divorce her then we'll do what you have to, to be happy. You get one life dont let society and a women who is abusing you let you waste that life.
pets can catch colds, yes
Is there a chance that he was already cheating and the proposal would just make life easier for him?
I would leave.
Drunk words are sober thoughts. I myself have been guilty of blurring out the awful when tequila drunk. But I'm usually honest about it.
If he's being romantic with other women when drunk, that's a sign you might be in trouble. You could try couples therapy, but honestly he isn't going to make much progress if he isn't in therapy on his own as well. He needs therapy, and he need AA.
If he can't agree to stop drinking, and get help, I would leave. That's disrespectful, drunk or sober I expect you to behave appropriately.
Introduce bed bugs into the house and let them bite him while he sleeps.
That’s all I’ve got. Unless you know a way to give him migraines.
Also, you know you need to divorce him. You have children. They hear him. They’re either learning to be perverts or to get groomed by one. Either way, a horrible outcome for your babies.
File for divorce. Get alimony/child support. Find a shelter. He is an awful man and you need to leave asap
Dude, at best, you'll never know if she'll just stay til it starts to get inconvenient, not even nude.
What other stuff might get parents tell her to do?
Worth asking her if she can tell a difference during oral, if she does that. Vaginismus isn't going to affect her mouth. I agree with those saying maybe you both should get checked out. No, they don't grow with age. I promise we would ALL know if that was possible lol
After reading this and all the comments, I am just dying to know how this turns out! Please post one or more updates when you have something to share.
This is one of the more interesting situations that have appeared on this sub recently. If and how you're able to resolve it (or not) might provide others with insights into their own relationship challenges. Good luck!
There’s really nothing to be torn about here. He’s an adult who has the agency to make his own decisions. You’ve been together for a long time. You obviously haven’t trapped him.
Why would you be more involved in family things when they treat you like shit?
You then make the same argument you made in your post which I honestly didn’t address intentionally, because I hate the argument. But since you said it again, I’ll tell you why. You don’t need to make him understand that you love him no matter what. That’s not at all in question. I’m sure he knows you love him no matter what.
His struggle is not being able to establish boundaries with his family, because he’s afraid of what might happen if he tries to do so. He doesn’t need reassurance that if he loses them, he’ll be fine because he has you. He needs to know that he won’t lose his family.
You also might logically accept that they don’t like you and see it as “it is what it is.” If he’s going to have a relationship with them, that’s completely unsustainable. You’re also here with an “it’s me or them” proposition. If that’s the case, they win. If you want any chance at this working, you need to be pushing him to firmly speak up and demand they respect you and his decision. If they won’t, if he can’t walk away from them, no argument about how much you love him is going to matter.
Yes message and ask how he is, don’t joke about it until he does or like a couple months then never let him forget.
Yeah?
in your 30s raising an adopted child, then?
You've had the conversation about why their “real mom didn't want them?”
Does it even matter that they do something or not? They were together in a motel room together. That's crazy in itself.
He should be asking for marriage if he wants to marry her. He should also have a ring handy when doing so.
Move out. You are not the ones “ripping the family apart.” If your parents want to get angry and throw a fit and create rifts because you're moving to your own house, that's their choice. It's not your job to let them literally hold your own family hostage.
Make the choices that are best for your wife, your child, and yourself, and let your parents and brothers know that you are happy to maintain a good relationship with them as long as they can be friendly and respectful.
His angle stinks and isn't thoughtful. They are in a relationship embarrassed or not you don't take advantage of your partner like that.
He knew he didn't have the money he shouldve been a big boy and said something.
Me and my girlfriend take turns cooking and thought: Wouldn't it be nice if the other person would do the dishes afterwards? The answer was: No! I clean the kitchen while I cook, so it looks kind of okay afterwards. My gf leaves the kitchen like a battlefield.
This was really annoying until I introduced the responsibility principle: The person who cooks is also responsible for cleaning the kitchen. Sure, you have to do two chores in one day, but it's way less frustrating than having to clean someone else's mess. I am convinced that this agreement has single-handedly saved our relationship.
I said that he's not an addict but I would be a little concerned if my partner couldn't get himself off solo without porn.
Frankly, it sounds to me like a crime has occurred been committed. If she was impaired, could she have freely given consent? Not only is his brother a loser but possibly worse than that.
Yeah, I was wondering if anyone was going to bring up that part. I’m not at all excusing the omission, but it sounds like the encounter wasn’t exactly full of consent, and I’m betting there’s a lot of shame embedded in there. This isn’t exactly as black and white as people are trying to make it out to be. I’d definitely say some counseling is in order.
I think you're too old for reddit, it's childish, you should really get off the internet, do you even hold a job geesh.
Looking for ways to. “make him regret” usually 100% of the time involve being in their life one way or another
Otherwise you'd be looking for ways to improve YOURSELF not looking for things/ways to affect HIM
Denial is a river in Egypt an I'm not the one tweaking when your the one who can't remember your own words
I feel like I am locked in this relationship since he has spent a lot of money on me, and I would feel selfish leavjng him.
Absolutely not true. You can break up with him for any reason and no matter how much money he has spent on you. (You've also been together “upwards of 3 months now”, how much money has he spent you that it's an issue? That seems like a big red flag.)
I don't think you love her at all. Nothing you said in your post indicated that you have any empathy with her or care about her at all. If sex is more important to you than she is just admit it and leave. If it isn't, stop leading with your dick and actually try to develop some empathy for her exhausting life.
You are her meal ticket. Kick her to the curb. Quit thinking with your heart.