All the replies are good, good reading and insight from different angles and perspectives.
I have been a bit vague about some details as obviously I don't want to make it too identifiable in case my wife was to read this. Some things I want to address are:
When our 3 kids were small we both worked in hospitality meaning we would do 1 weekend day each so the other would be home with the kids. So if I went out on Friday she would be working on a Sat, so no sleeping in for me or hangover time. I would be home with the kids and she would be working. Then Sunday roles reversed. The week would be mixed up. Back in those days I would see my friends once per week or 2 weeks and strictly on a weekend. As people said perhaps it was too much, I guess now I am feeling how she felt.
Yes I never forbid her or say she can't do the same things I did back then but she wasn't interested and always said I shouldn't be either.
I should have done something about it or leave before we had kids, I was always a dreamer and too positive thinking things will work out, life always works out like on the movies. Some of my friends had similar girlfriends too so it also seemed normal. Not that my wife is a bad person, in her defense she is loving and always has been very loving which also made me stay with her when I had thoughts about leaving.
My friends were all my age from work and school, about 50/50 mix of single and in relationships back then. No there was no drink driving just a list of things we did not necessarily all at once or same day.
I do realise that her past attitude to me going out was alot to do with female insecurity and I always put alot of it down to that, have to accept once your with somebody you also make sacrafices so as much as I felt like I was always under control I guess it comes with the territory. It could have turned out I would be single with no kids now and really regretting it.
I really don't mind when she goes out now, if she sees her other friends who are also married and they go for a real dinner and some drinks I actually enjoy the time alone at home with my kids. When she is out with the younger friend(s) who are most likely single I feel less good about it. I don't really like to ask too much details I am made to feel like I am interrogating her about who she is with and what she does. However in her defense she usually does tell me those details after, I guess when she is ready.
The frequency of her going out has been over the place, has been 2 times in a week or 2 times in a month, its been 1 year since she started going bars. When I messaged her the first few times when she started going out she was pretty defensive and upset that I am checking up on her etc (which is what she used to do to me over the long years) Confronting her about it never ends up good, she is defensive we argue she cries and ends up her not being understood by anybody and being put down constantly. I don't want to go there anymore.
At this time I just don't enjoy or have that much energy to see my friends, maybe few times a year I tried and felt like I'd rather be home. In her defense she encourages me to go out see my friends and those past controlling behaviours don't seem to be there. If this happened 10 years ago it would be perfect, I guess it may also change for me in a few years so it is good to have this option on the table.
Yeah ill admit it straight up im probably too hung up about the past, can't help feeling that way.
I do see the red flags, not sure how to interpret them. At the start they were really red now they are turning more orange where she makes alot of assurances she is just there to socialise with friends nothing else. If she didn't care why bother say anything?
Hahaha wow you’re that asshole.
We don’t want to hear back from you.
All the replies are good, good reading and insight from different angles and perspectives.
I have been a bit vague about some details as obviously I don't want to make it too identifiable in case my wife was to read this. Some things I want to address are:
When our 3 kids were small we both worked in hospitality meaning we would do 1 weekend day each so the other would be home with the kids. So if I went out on Friday she would be working on a Sat, so no sleeping in for me or hangover time. I would be home with the kids and she would be working. Then Sunday roles reversed. The week would be mixed up. Back in those days I would see my friends once per week or 2 weeks and strictly on a weekend. As people said perhaps it was too much, I guess now I am feeling how she felt.
Yes I never forbid her or say she can't do the same things I did back then but she wasn't interested and always said I shouldn't be either.
I should have done something about it or leave before we had kids, I was always a dreamer and too positive thinking things will work out, life always works out like on the movies. Some of my friends had similar girlfriends too so it also seemed normal. Not that my wife is a bad person, in her defense she is loving and always has been very loving which also made me stay with her when I had thoughts about leaving.
My friends were all my age from work and school, about 50/50 mix of single and in relationships back then. No there was no drink driving just a list of things we did not necessarily all at once or same day.
I do realise that her past attitude to me going out was alot to do with female insecurity and I always put alot of it down to that, have to accept once your with somebody you also make sacrafices so as much as I felt like I was always under control I guess it comes with the territory. It could have turned out I would be single with no kids now and really regretting it.
I really don't mind when she goes out now, if she sees her other friends who are also married and they go for a real dinner and some drinks I actually enjoy the time alone at home with my kids. When she is out with the younger friend(s) who are most likely single I feel less good about it. I don't really like to ask too much details I am made to feel like I am interrogating her about who she is with and what she does. However in her defense she usually does tell me those details after, I guess when she is ready.
The frequency of her going out has been over the place, has been 2 times in a week or 2 times in a month, its been 1 year since she started going bars. When I messaged her the first few times when she started going out she was pretty defensive and upset that I am checking up on her etc (which is what she used to do to me over the long years) Confronting her about it never ends up good, she is defensive we argue she cries and ends up her not being understood by anybody and being put down constantly. I don't want to go there anymore.
At this time I just don't enjoy or have that much energy to see my friends, maybe few times a year I tried and felt like I'd rather be home. In her defense she encourages me to go out see my friends and those past controlling behaviours don't seem to be there. If this happened 10 years ago it would be perfect, I guess it may also change for me in a few years so it is good to have this option on the table.
Yeah ill admit it straight up im probably too hung up about the past, can't help feeling that way.
I do see the red flags, not sure how to interpret them. At the start they were really red now they are turning more orange where she makes alot of assurances she is just there to socialise with friends nothing else. If she didn't care why bother say anything?
She wants your attention. Ignore it and move on.