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SLOPPY BLOWJOB [Multi Goal]
Date: October 9, 2022
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I and his family did all of the things. He visited a doctor. He just eats. A lot. Unhealthy foods. And at night especially.
The other stuff. He is mentally healthy. He became lazy and doesnt care how he looks because he came to the point he thinks i will love him no matter what. Which is true. Love yes. But be attracted? Impossible.
Completely disagree tbh – I think it's just case of actually being with the right person who loves you for being you.
Your husband should have known that going into a marriage; involves having more contact with humans (atleast 1, most of the time more).
I think that when you can; it is really important to help a person in need you care for out. Leaving a suicidal person on the street is idiotic.
And I am a bit worried what your husbands reaction will be if you might go through an bad mental period in the future.
Okay so all of your concerns are valid. I would urge you both to look in to codependency and I would urge you to try again with a therapist that specializes in attachment theory. Otherwise learning on your own can get a little confusing. But it helps to know what’s your responsibility and what is their responsibility. Boundaries are essential. That doesn’t mean that respect, communication, and compassion goes out the window, but neither of you can be the best to each other if you both don’t take responsibility for what is yours. Both of you most likely struggle to be completely honest about how you feel, and your person should be someone you can be honest with, even if they may react in a less than ideal way. Again reassurance, compassion and respect don’t go out the window here.
Right now what I’m hearing is that instead of being able to focus on your needs you’re focused on what you lack, which is entirely valid. Everyone has insecurities and things they can work on. The fear is also valid, it’s a possibility that you could feel the same with someone else. Most likely it would continue to happen in any relationship you enter if your main focus on what you lack, and what they need. Instead of focusing on if you’re good enough for them it’s also important to contemplate whether is person is good for you. Not good enough. You are both good enough. The selflessness you exhibit is control disguised as selflessness and her anxiety is control disguised as concern. Not in a malicious way. Control gets a bad rep, but what I’m saying is that you’re both trying to control outcomes. She’s trying to control losing you, you’re trying to control being enough for her. My partner and I struggle with the same thing, just switched around. I am the fearful avoidant while he is more of the anxiously attached.
By no means am I saying you need to break up in order to figure out what you really need or want. You guys can do that together.
But what is going to happen if y’all don’t try to work on these things is that you will end up feeling burnt out and resentful from trying so hot and ignoring your needs, and she will continue to feel anxious and feeling like she is “too much” for you. If the love is there and the willingness to work on it is there, then I see no issue with continuing to work on this.
But boundaries are necessary here. Your needs matter too, just as much, it’ll take work to let go of the urge to stuff your needs down to avoid her getting upset, and it will take work on her part to self soothe when you need some space. Compromise, compassion, and reassurance will be needed. Boundaries aren’t meant to keep people out of your life, they are meant to keep people in your life in a loving and healthy way. You will both grow in to better people and lovers with some boundaries, it’s scary but so worth it.
And many people have attachment issues. The majority of people have insecure (anxious or avoidant) attachment styles.
I wish you wisdom and peace.. unfortunately, we're all going through it in different forms ((
She is 24 yo. That is like 2 people in a 365 day period since she was 20 yo. 8 is not much at all.
I don’t have any actual reason. As I said no contact at all in more than a year. I am just very scared of the scenario of he showing it to someone I am walking with in the middle of the street. I think I am overthinking.
I'm not sure if you read my post, but I am getting some serious help, haha!
Some people are not fit for a relationship with a person with a personality disorder, but it seems my boyfriend sees more than just my BPD and loves me for who I am – thus sticking with me through thick and thin! 🙂
Stop apologizing, stop saying god awful things to her. No words are better than words that can't ever be taken back. Call the therapist, explain what is going on and get that appointment moved up. Consider going back to work and hiring help for your wife. Definitely start building an exit plan as this situation is really unhealthy for everyone involved. You may not use the exit plan but it is worth having one. Also, if the baby is asleep do what YOU need to do. Why are you asking for her permission?
Their home is a reflection of their mental state.
If they want to be with you, they will find a way to make it happen.
If you have to bring something up more than once without an effort towards change on their part, it is time to move on.
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Yes, I figured if she doesn't care to do that, then she must not care that much about saving it, so maybe I shouldn't
End it. You guys are not compatible. If I were you, all of this would probably drive me nuts, too. Trust me… I’ve been in many relationships, I’ve been married, divorced…. you will feel SO much better if you just ripcord this thing now. He will be hurt, but he will get over it eventually.
I'm totally “Bodies are beautiful”. But i don't agree with showering with grandma. I feel like its just setting them up to think its normal to see your family members naked other than mom and dad. There's no reason for grandma to get into the bath with them too. She can sit on the side and wash them.
Again, why does this stop you from marrying her?
People with disordered eating can be incredibly good at hiding it or eating just enough that it looks normal. Not saying she does have it. Obviously I can only guess and recommend you to keep that idea in the back of your head, just in case.
So, she hasn't been to the doctors in over two years? That seems a long time to go without a check up of any kind. It wouldn't hurt to offer to go with her.
Don't force her into anything, though. It's her body and her decision to have it looked into, at the end of the day. Pushing it will just create friction.
I'm sure there would be some articles out there advising loved ones on how to go about this topic.
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I appreciate the update, glad things are going well ?
To me, non of this sounds healthy. You and K have crossed into emotional cheating territory and have feelings for each other. You’ve both put your girlfriend in a very hurtful position. I mean, you’ve basically both made her the messenger regarding the feelings you have for the other woman/her bf. Since she loves you, she tries to deal and keep a brave face on. This must have all been incredibly painful for her and has most likely awakened some insecurities. To me it sounds like she’s trying to figure out if you’re still infatuated with K by asking if she should check on her feelings for you. It seems like she’s unsure you really want to be with her and doesn’t trust that you would actually choose her if you were presented the opportunity to be with K.
And to be frank, you keeping any kind of friendship/contact with K is extremely detrimental to your relationship with your gf. It’s almost like you’re in a triangle with K being more of an invisible partner and your gf having to compete with that. It also means you are leaving room open for the feelings you’ve developed for K. It’s time to decide who’s more important to you and who you have more feelings for. Who do you see in your future? Your gf is trying not be the jealous/controlling type, but she wouldn’t be for asking you to cut contact with K. It’s actually the best and healthiest option, if you want to stay with your gf.
So stop being indecisive and start prioritizing the person you actually want to be with. Whoever that may be. It’s not fair to your gf to keep her waiting for you and you not getting over K.
People are indeed strange, but yes I agree, let it go for now. Anyone who matters knows what your name is and she can't change it single handedly. All the best!
Yet we are usually valued for what we can do rather than who we are.
Can we make this comment sticky
So is she a lesbian or bi? He said she's a lesbian? Not sure I understand the dynamics of their past relationship.
Oh, and he def sounds like he's still too interested in her.
Agree to the test, then divorce him when the results come.
Asking for a dna test when your wife is pregnant is telling her you believe she cheated. He could have asked before she got pregnant or even when she could still have an abortion so she wouldn’t have this guy in her life for the next 18 years, but no he chose to do it when she was already trapped with his baby.
Maybe go over this next time you make plans? Why were there 2 beds anyway?
That’s hot! You’re very young and I think if you already see that he’s not meeting your needs, he likely is not the person for you. I would try to look into the future and see if you’re okay staying in a relationship like this, because it’s very unlikely he will change. Best of luck!
As someone who has gotten a car & a DL in both the US & the UK I will say the process in the UK is much harder than in the US. But it’s not impossible. And gas and insurance are going to be similar anywhere. Parking isn’t usually a big deal unless you’re in a city. Even then, places like York have amazing park and rides to take a shuttle into the city rather than try and park.
And though there isn’t the same stigma in the UK for an unlicensed adult as there is here in the US, it does get frustrating to be asked for rides all the time because someone doesn’t get his/her DL.
I normally skip this part
Searching her phone. Expecting a grown woman to tell you every detail about her life. Searching a guys Spotify and assuming she recommended songs. If you can’t see it, I can’t help you. I’m not attempting to put you down. You know that you need professional help. You should have left after the shard incident. This is toxic. On both sides.
I did offer a lie detection test but she insists that it won't capture my thoughts of cheating but only physical proof
If I initiate to bring dinner at her place with her kid around, would that be being pushy? I was just thinking I don’t want her to carve out time specifically for me given that her schedule is super packed already.
I understand that they're grieving, but
a) they cannot withhold that letter from you, it's yours. b) they had no right to READ his suicide letter to you.
That's just wrong
She sounds rude and selfish. Why are you with someone who wants you to feel this way? She ignores you when she's with others, punishes you for an argument and tells you you're insecure?
Drop her, she doesn't deserve a good relationship if she doesn't treat you with respect.
Probably doesn’t want kids of his own because he knows he wouldn’t be able to control himself. ?
Based on OP’s comments she is still in denial or hasn’t realized yet, but it is inevitable that she is going to have a very sobering moment once she realizes this man is seriously messed up/a pedo.
Lol he’s not going to stay if he didn’t want kids. Hope you’re prepared to be a single mom. Won’t even touch the whole engaged at 22 to someone 7 years older. I’m tired
Let's be real. It's racism.
Honestly I couldn’t really say without observing it myself, but at the very least she does sound obsessed with you. It could be infatuation, she could also just literally want to be you.
You have to walk a fine line between giving your GF too much attention and giving her too little attention
You'll need to factor in aftercare with your GF to reconnect as a couple and reassure her that she is the one you want, not the other girl.
I said this on another post but we are actually on the same page about marriage! I was just curious about other peoples opinions. You’re totally right though
That’s why you don’t hAve kids young. Duh
Past what OP,
are you for real?
Past the betrayal ? Past the unprotected sex? Past the risk of STD, Past the risk being pregnant by another man?
What will be left of you then?
He's been very clear that he's happy we're in touch again and wants to hang out
A couple years ago, my ex and I broke up unexpectedly because he decided he wasn’t in a place to continue the relationship as he wanted to focus on his career and it wasn’t conducive to a happy healthy relationship for us (military). I was horribly upset but I got over it and understood it was for the best. I moved on and started dating the absolute love of my life. Shortly after, I found out that ex got married less than a year after we broke up. As I said, I was over him and definitely had no more feelings for him. If I did I wouldn’t have been in a new relationship. But I won’t lie and say that finding out that he got married so soon after breaking up, after his reason for said breakup was to focus on his career and not be in a relationship, was incredibly shocking and hurtful.
Your gf likely is feeling similarly, that it hurts to have it confirmed that she wasn’t marriage material to someone she previously cared about and loved. Add alcohol and to the equation and human emotion is vulnerable and unpredictable. This doesn’t mean she is in love with him, or that she is unstable as one commenter is incessantly suggesting. It means she had an emotional response to something that is totally normal to react to.
You seem set on taking this personally, but I urge you to just talk to her respectfully and empathetically to understand her reaction. You can make assumptions all you want, but you’ll ruin your relationship like that.
Take the dog and leave. That is abuse. No. Seriously. It’s abuse. Poor Copper doesn’t deserve that treatment. And if you stay with him and have kids is he going to treat your kids the way he was treated??
I think you are if this was your genuine understanding of what I just said
That is not “ego or lack of empathy or wanting to break up” sry that's a normal emotional response to have that concern.
Be honest, that wouldn't cross your mind in this situation??
Now, that's IF it's just an initial feeling. IF he now doesn't take the advice to communicate with her and have empathy for her feelings i.e she's upset for a slew of other reasons rather than being in love with the ex still, then I agree that's absolutely a foolish Outlook and it's on him.
Again, do you think if the roles were reversed here the girl wouldnt have had similar feelings/doubts?
I posted other benign and perfectly normal comments he made that were down ? to oblivion. Ppl just being trash assholes for the sake of it.
She’s going to choose whether or not to sleep with him herself. But she also needs to know if she’s going to choose to continue to sleep with him that she will need to take BC and buy her own protection for herself. Yes it’s fine for us to tell her don’t do it but how many times do people actually listen to others opinions?
This is what I’m thinking or either he wants me to spell it out coz he did mention before it’s my house so he didn’t wanna be forward, it’s only when he’s invited
Yes. If I didn't trust a partner to do that, then I wouldn't be with said partner.
That's horrible! My SO recently broke down about stress, and worry about his dad's health. We had a good cry together. It brought us closer. I trust that he can share his feelings with me and be vulnerable. I'm sorry that this is happening to you! It's sad that some women want men to act like unfeeling robots, and hold their feelings in. No wonder suicide rates are increasing in men. This weird double standard needs to stop!
Did she say why?
Not really cheating, I feel betrayed because in the beginning of our relationship I let my insecurities get the best of me and he made it known to me that it bothered him. So I put in the effort to fully let go and fully trust him. And I got to a place where I was content and not afraid. I am aware that’s all self reflection and all me. I guess the betrayal feeling is coming from my effort to fully trusting him while he was doing this secretly the whole time
if they were the same level as what i saw on my dads page e.g butt hot with the only thing covering them being a tiny bikini then yes, i mean i wouldnt feel disgusted to the same degree as i do right now but i would be incredibly insecure and sad. And no i dont follow models.
I see what you mean, What heavily fuels my emotions here is that the dude formerly tried things, the boyfriend card wasnt seen.
The other part is that she DMs him using work insta. Tells him that “I cant add back because snap is not working” not i dont add snap because i have boyfriend.
This situation happened earlier where she couldnt tell her female friends dude friends making moves on her at a party she has a party because its “rude to her female friend”.
I've read your comments, and I truly hope that this pregnancy and motherhood helps you mature. Maybe your sister is a bit attention seeking, but you're seemingly obsessed with hating her, and her unborn child. That's not healthy at all.
Holy shit do NOT buy property with anyone before you’re married, especially with someone who lied about his age and who’s age you’re lying about to your mother WHO IS ABOUT TO GIVE YOU $25k.
This is a bad idea. A horrible, awful idea.
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I've been together with my bf for the past 5 years and he is a sweetheart. We moved in together after 2 years and things have been great I love him a lot and I know he loves me too. I work in a law firm and my bf is a physicist and works in one of the best institutions in the country for his field. So he recently got tenure and I'm doing good in my field too. We on-line in an apartment we bought together.
Recently I've been thinking about marriage and didn't just know when the right time was so day before yesterday I just popped the question, he was just so happy and obviously agreed. Mind you this was done in our home in a private setting. When the initial excitement started to wear off I could see he was visibly distressed and right before the bed he asked me ” will you want to have kids with me when we get married?” I said yes. To which he replied “Then i can marry you only if you agree to give me absolute control over our child's academics. We can share all the rest of the stuff and I even agree in advance if you would like reserve something solely you two but i can't compromise on this. ” I was absolutely gutted as I didn't know what to say. It was so out of character for him. I said that I think that both of us should be involved in every aspect of our child's life he just said no. I tried asking if something happened but he just left for the couch. I took the day off as I'm not in the right state of mind rn. This morning he entered the room, I was awake but pretended to be asleep. He just kissed my forehead and when he left I could hear him sobbing. I know something has happened and most probably it isn't even related to us. I tried contacting him but he hasn't returned any of my messages. I asked him if he would like to have lunch about an hour ago and he just replied no again. I don't know how to proceed or what to make of my relationship anymore.
How should I proceed?
TLDR: I proposed to my bf of 5 years and he laid a condition that he wants absolute control over our future child's education when we conceive in the future and is trying to dodge my attempts to talk ever since.
EDIT: A lot of comments are asking me for more info but I'm just are oblivious as you all are. He is coming home in about half an hour. I'll talk to him and update again
UPDATE: So firstly I wanna thank all those who replied. I haven't been able to reply to a lot of messages. But the replies did give me a direction to think towards. I just wanna clear up a few things, 1 we don't have different political views, rather he just choses to ignore the political aspects of things and as a result I have too in front of him. 2 it was not the first time we have talked of kids. Till now our plan has been to use BC and we had been using condoms until about an year ago becuase we have been dating since the time we were still trying to build our carrers and would have gone for an abortion in case of a pregnancy. So that is what led to him asking about the child scene.
Now to what happened. When he came home I just let him do his stuff. At about 11 when he was free I approached him. He was hesitant to talk and didn't speak anything for a solid 30 min and just kept hugging me. After that I asked him if he was okay and if we could talk about what happened. He just nodded so I asked him if he wanted to not get married. He said no and just squeezed me real tight. I then asked if he felt I was not smart enough to educate our child or something. Again a no. Then I asked him why he meant by absolute control and why he had such a strong reaction. So he told me that he meant that the child has to go to a scientific field and that eventhough he/she will attend the a public school he would like to teach science and maths at a different pace as that of school. I then asked him the obvious “what if they don't want to go into science” he then was speechless, now this made me think that it was just an impulsive(some trauma or something that happened recently) response back then so then I asked what made him act that way but he just said he was in a bad mood and begged me to end this topic.
I know this isn't the best update but from what I can tell as of now he told me the truth but not all of it. I'm gonna dig more and probably call his parents and his close friend.
Now I don't think it just means him escaping the relation or showing his true colors as I feel he had a total of 5 years to do that so why now?
I also asked if he expected me to not propose or something but that also was a dead end. I told him that marriage is off the table as long as we don't clear this up. And I'm told him that he has to come for therapy and I'll accompany him.
We slept in the same bed last night. So that's something ig.
I know about him being bullied in hs but as much as I have known it wouldn't have produced such a strong reaction. So yeah I will try to give a final update later on but I don't know how long it will take or how bad it might get.
That's pretty freakish behaviour on his part, but you should be much more worried about the other red flags here. Why would anybody think they have a right to tell you what to wear and why would you let anyone tell you what to wear? I think you've got the wrong bloke.
Well, I have good news and I have bad news.
The bad news is that your husband is a raging racist. He's no showing you his true colors. And his gleeful desire to learn the Mexican equivalent of the n-word? Yeah, I think you were already a bit suspicious of this long before now.
The good news is that you on-line with your parents and haven't brought any innocent children into this whole mess, so it's going to be really easy to end things and not have to worry about detangling yourself from him.
If you're actually sitting there thinking, “Well, maybe it's not so bad and this can work.” Let me tell you now, I've known lots of women who were non-white who married raging racists. Guess what? It NEVER ended with happily ever after. And the ones who had children? Yeah, that racism was always directed at the kids.
Get. Out. NOW.
As a woman I'm not one bit surprised because the number of men out there acting this way is far higher than you can even begin to imagine.
I've yet to meet a woman who hasen't been harrased my men on numerous occasions. That's why it's so important that men like you listen and takes us seriously rather than keep pretending that it's a few men (not claiming that you in particular do ignore the bigger picture!) because if it was then they would be hella busy.
I’m one of these guys, i don’t like giving oral sex. The taste, the texture, i just don’t like it. My gf likes receiving it and giving it, but she understands that i wouldn’t want to do such a thing. That’s boundaries and that’s totally normal.
But you do realize relationship and partners means that you should stand on the equal ground right?
So if you're demanding all the boxes ticked then you should be prepared to do the same for your partner. All I'm seeing here is just you, you and you and when someone asks what do you have to offer, what is that would make you a good partner you are defensive or dodging the questions.
You can't expect them only giving and getting anything in return.
Tell her to take a long walk on a short pier into shark infested waters.
My first thought is to talk to him and explain this to him at a neutral time (so not in bed when he wants to cuddle). He may not understand it, so maybe there are some resources on the net to help.
As it is affecting your relationship, a talk with a therapist might be a good step as well. There are many possible causes/reasons for it, so you really need someone who can work with you to figure it out.
You are not alone. And there are treatments out there that can help you deal with touch in your life in a healthier way.
Could be, could not be. We do not know.
Regardless, while her silence may have hurt him it was never intended to hurt him. What he did to her was intended to hurt her, even when said in an emotionally charged state. So even with benefit of doubt he did a bad thing.
This completely.
Run. And run now!! Do not return. He means it. Go to the police.
Its such a long time though, he’s very understanding and kind through all of it, he says he’s fine not doing sex that much – its not a 0 at all, its just rare when my libido springs up, I feel guilty that I can’t fulfill that for him.
There's a certain occasions where your partner has some say about how you should look (formal occasions, his family gatherings, church, etc.) but what you are describing are samples of controlling and manipulative behaviors. If boundaries are not properly set, this could easily grow toxic and abusive.