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VIKI, 21 y.o.
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Online Live Sex Chat rooms VIKI
Date: April 25, 2023
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My advice – DO NOT DO IT. He is manipulating you (c'mon – stating the obvious here with the age gap). Just because he wants to do it does not mean you have to do it. Unless this is something you truly want to do, I would strongly advise against it going at all. And do not do it 'Just because he is asking you to do it' or because you feel you may be up to it because you are not a 'prude'. I'm not a prude but I would not be comfortable if my wife wanted to go to a swinger event. He should respect you if you say no to doing this. And if he doesn't, you now know where you stand in the relationship (he is using you and doesn't care about your feelings).
If you are open to it and you are all in than just be careful and only do what you are comfortable doing – do not let people talk you into doing stuff beyond your comfort zone.
Your spouse is supposed to be your ally. Your spouse is the person who has your back, who protects and defends you, who makes your life better for being in it.
If possible, try spending a week apart and see how you feel. If you fid yourself feeling better, if you find that your life is less terrible when he's not around, then that's a pretty big indicator about the state of your relationship.
Always remember – being by yourself is an option, and it's not the worst option you can choose.
Please indulge me in telling a story:
I have a friend (we'll call her myfriend) who has a “friend”. I freely denounce the latter as the crappiest friend in the world (let's call her crapfriend). Crapfriend's life is drinking, taking drugs, wasting time, being a crap parent, living in a feral house, and hanging out with truly dreadful, dangerous people. Crapfriend remains friends with someone who deeply hurt myfriend and will not accept that it hurts myfriend that she is forced to be in the company of this third person (thirdperson). In allowing thirdperson into her life, crapfriend is actively denying, or at least heavily minimising, the harm thirdperson did to myfriend. I don't understand why myfriend perseveres. They have been friends for a long time and are in similar situations as you've described, divorced with kids. myfriend and I have known each other for 34 years. Our friendship has deepended over the last 14 years or so to one of trusted confidant. I think myfriend thinks she can save crapfriend. myfriend can't see that crapfriend actively wants to destroy her own life and herself. myfriend drinks too much (as do I) but the kids are looked after, her home is in order, her bills are paid, she participates in healthy sport, and maintains good relationships with her extended family. myfriend's drinking hasn't progressed to drugs and I don't think it will.
To your story:
Our friends should make our lives better. The synergy of a good friendship should yield more positive outcomes than the energy we put into it. Our friends should be a place where we can lower our guard because we trust them. She sounds like an energy vampire. She's relying on you to follow her around and pick up the pieces of the life she's ruining. This is not your job, that you've taken it on is commendable but it sounds like the costs are too high now.
As the adage goes: We cannot make ourselves sick enough to make someone else well.
She will drag you down into this hole she's in if you let her. I'm not saying that she'll make you an alcoholic, just that her misery and dysfunction will ruin your life too. You are exposing your kids to the trauma that her kids are experiencing. I think any one of us would want to rescue these kids from this situation but sometimes we just can't. You are wasting this one precious life on a person who does not want to be saved.
I suspect you'll persevere though. Good people often do. Groups like al-anon can help people who are coping with an addicted person in their lives. They may be able to offer some support and useful tool for you while you support her. With their help you may be able to find a way to help but protect yourself from the negativity.
(I know it's tacky to reply to your own comment but…)
Another thought, forgiveness doesn't mean you have to lie or hide the truth from others/the community.
You did only one thing wrong. And that was lying to her.
Your girl should never tell you not to look at other women. That goes against male biology. Grow some nuts and tell her to shut up or leave. Looks like she did the leaving for you.
And here's the thing. She didn't leave because you lied. She left because you are a pushover. Bet she laughs whenever she thinks about how she made you think you were the one who messed up.