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Date: October 24, 2022
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Yes. This sounds very like it and it is scary. Here in the Netherlands however its easy to get help (also from partners side) in uk or other countries I dont know
It's very difficult for an employed adult with a car, an apartment, a divorce and a child to have no online presence or mentions.
Is he lying about his name? His job? His child?
Have you ever once met a person who knows him? A friend, family, coworker?
Is the male roommate his current partner?
You could just walk away, which probably is easiest and safest. Ghost him and forget him.
Myself, I'd dig for information and find evidence of the real story.
NTA becasue you stated your expectations before the marriage and she agreed. I wouldn’t be with someone that only cared about me if I looked a certain way. I know you say health, but it obvious your main concern is appearance. Bodies change as we age. It would be way too much pressure to think your SO will leave you if you gained weight, as there are many reasons people gain weight. I don’t think your the AH but I also don’t think you actually love your wife.
I'm more qualified with a wider range of skills so it was easier for me to find a seconds job. Although he's paid well in his job, his skills aren't really specialised.
Just come clean. No sense in lying about it. You’re not a smoker anymore.
Exactly. OP you’ve addressed this enough times where adequate washing of his asscrack should be happening, even if it’s just for himself to avoid embarrassment! You’ve given him the tools to address this himself without verbally raising the issue. I get hemorriods too and you know what, I ensure that I look after wiping to make sure there’s no poo left, and I will only get intimate if I’ve had a shower after a BM.
For him to not do something about it tells me he’s either lazy. Has trouble wiping for some reason (can he see or reach properly? Or because he just doesn’t care that much.
If you’ve broken up once before and have spent 4 years coaching your man how to wipe his ass, then I would reconsider the relationship. Poor personal hygiene is a good enough reason to seperate.
Comparison is the thief of joy. Why does he have to compare himself to them?
Even if those friends of his did sleep with hundreds, why is that such an achievement? The usual goal is to find that one person to spend your life with not just be with everybody you can poke with a twig.
You still want to marry this guy? And you want a therapist to confirm what you already know ie. He doesn't have empathy. Why do you need a therapist to tell him this? So you can be right and feel good about marrying a psychopath/narcissist?
I hope that you use your common sense and choose not to marry him. I especially hope you don't have kids with him cos he'll only get worse. The way he is selfish, treats you like shit and has no regard for you, he'll end up treating your kids in the exact same way.
Save yourself the headache and move on.
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Please tell me you divorced him…please.
If you can not trust your partner, dont be their partner.
I think he's probably more of a drunken philosopher that creates theories on how “everyone” feels and has to tell you all that. Of course he can't know whether everyone feels like that and whether “most men would cheat” or not. It's good he's not hiding the porn he watches from you, but that doesn't necessarily mean anything good will come from snooping around. Porn has a lot of different scenarios, 'fucking your friend's wife' sounds really basic and just watching that doesn't mean he's gonna cheat on you.
Bottom line is whether you trust him or not. Don't draw any conclusions or make important decisions based on porn titles in his browsing history. If he's giving you reasons not to trust him fully that's a different problem completely.
Exactly. We can't ever talk to resolve things.
He lies to his family about spending time with you and lies by omission about being engaged. I’m glad you know this is not normal and of course you need to discuss it with him. If his mom hates you, you need to know. How did she react to other relationships? Is he financially dependent on his parents? If his family doesn’t treat you well, is he going to stand up to them? Have you been around the family much?
I can't agree, I wouldn't call bribing your kids to not tell their other parent about you cheating is an example of “good parenthood” I would recommend my children keep in contact with. They already know what she is and its perfectly reasonable for them (kids) to have made the decision they made so far.
That would be very embarrassing to deal with. A person in their late 20s behaving this way isn’t cute or normal, sounds like some unresolved issues at hand
I make the same amount of money as him, but if I pay for something I never ask for money back.. because I care for him and I feel happy giving to someone I love. I just don’t like having a weird transactional feeling when it comes to the man I’m dating.
Aside from not being sexually compatible, there’s no way to navigate a relationship with someone who asks you to communicate and then shuts you down when you do. You have zero reason to feel bad. I’d be pissed off.
It's time to move on. Learn to love yourself.
You should stop touching someone when they say stop. The elbow swing really should have been the end of it, and denying he threw something at you that literally hit you is VERY concerning.
So I’m guessing your husband and his ex-wife can’t come to an arrangement just the two of them?
“Mean spurts”. OK. How can you be so naive?
Also, how can you even bring yourself to look romantically at a man who physically abuses his dog? That sort of behaviour would turn me off someone for life. Gross.
Advice?? Lmao! You didn’t need advice. You wanted a bunch of strangers to tell you that throwing your son out like a bag of garbage was ok.
Christ. Hope you don’t ever want to connect with your son in the future. You are 100% permanently severing this relationship.
Shit man that’s rough
Doesn't matter. A commitment is a commitment. He married her for LIFE. IF that doesn't make you nervous it should. Also in some states the wife can sue the other woman so be careful.
He’s marrying his old fetish object and bringing in a new fetish object.
This isn’t him getting excited because you have cute feet this is… girl this isn’t good
If he has anger issues, make him complete anger management before you progress your relationship further.
If he isn't able or willing, it's abusive and time to look for a better life.
Does he want to get married right away, or just make clear future plans/commitment? If he wants to get married right away that's….a bit concerning. If he wants to say, get engaged to show a clear commitment and plan for the future, but would be okay with a long enough enagagement for you to be comfortable, I don't see anything necessarily wrong with that.
His feelings are important, but they aren't the only ones that are important. Your fears are valid and your perspective deserves respect and consideration too. If he can't respect that, then he's probably not the right one anyways. Don't rush something and ignore how you feel to placate someone else. That's a dangerous road. You need to talk to him about all of this, and tell him how you're feeling and where you're at.
If an option, I would suggest a counselor of some type for the both of you, who can walk you both through all of this and help you both understand yourselves and each other better. It sounds like counseling for yourself to deal with your past would also be beneficial, if an option.
I appreciate that more than you know it's been a tough few years but I'm trying my hardest and that's all I can do, thank you ❤️❤️
I also really want to break up with him but I know it'll hurt knowing we never even tried fixing it.
Just break up. It's OK to have a boundary of no porn. (there may be guys to respond to this who say its unrealistic, ignore them)
You have very valid reasons for not wanting to date a porn addictive indiscreet guy.
He can't or won't change. Even when he knows how much this upsets you and why.
You're both incompatible with each other and should break up. Sorry, but I can't see any other way.
Block him
Expecting support is expecting her to help you with your problems. You're asking too much. She's too young to handle your very serious issues and you need to back off.
What what?
It’s more than financial imo. I suspect your work, financial security and personal growth are positive attributes to your mental health. Overcoming your foster history this would be key in independence and happiness in life. And it seems like you know this. It is weird he “assumes you will quit working” and that there was no hint of his thinking previously. Stand your ground and make him understand your side. His willingness to listen and compromise will be telling of your future. Settle this before you end up pregnant.
She could be saying it could impact custody. And if her ex was also abusive that's obviously a huge concern for the safety of her child. I believe that's what she is referring to.
OP is there a law school near you? Many law schools now have domestic violence clinics where you can receive free legal aid and advice to help with custody disputes and finding safe resources. I understand why you are scared. That may be a good resource for free help.
talk to advisor. do the repeat class December (only need 6 credits to get financial aid: maybe add a fun art class or something), ask around for empty rooms you can crash in or be on the lease just in case. do thesis in spring. it's your life. you need break or will break. you are not a carbon copy of your parents. it's way more competitive now than it was 20+ years ago. also, companies rarely hire in December!! end of year they wrap up and plan budgets for the following year and spring time is full of opportunities (intern or entey level). you probably wouldn't be employed until then anyway (argument for her). the colleges will also offer a lot more career fair and resume advice…in the spring. your education can be done sooner, yes, but you're setting your career path behind by starting early from what companies expect.