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Birth Date: 1992-01-15
Body Type: bodyTypeAthletic
Ethnicity: ethnicityLatino
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Subculture: subcultureGamers
Date: October 9, 2022
New fear unlocked
Oh my god dude you're getting manipulated so hot. Leave her and DO NOT meet up with her again under any circumstances, it will be easier to keep your resolve if it isn't in person. It sounds like you weren't perfect, but she is also being way way overboard with the calling you and your friends and harassing y'all. You need a fresh start.
Well yeah I realise that now but that’s not what I’m asking.
Everyone's a hero on their own story
I am aware, but most of these commenters have told OP to literally suck it up and ‘be a man’ as if this wouldn’t hurt him in the long run
This is 100% an option on iPhones.
Lmao idk why this made me laugh so much
If he’s able to lie to you about something as big as having HIV (undetectable or not), what other things is he keeping or omitting from you? Major yikes!
This doesn't sound like a gift. It sounds like a sexual demand on you, and yeah I would feel degraded by it.
I would be blunt about it, since the “gift” itself is disrespectful and inappropriate, you don't need to really worry about being polite. Your bf was not polite. He didn't care about your feeling when he bought it. So tell him openly you are both hurt and uncomfortable with the gift. That it felt degrading – yes tell him that! And that would also like a REAL gift now.
I think at this point you both need to let friends of the opposite sex go. She may feel threatened by your friendship with the girl now because she may feel that you will start confiding in her and grow closer because of what happened. One word of advice is to never let others into your relationship. Keep it strong by talking it out and dealing with problems without outsiders unless it's a therapist.
NIPT testing would be included which tells you the gender. It’s an non invasive blood test to determine birth defects. It ONLY checks the moms blood. You cannot test for the fathers side on those test. Plus paternity tests during pregnancy are illegal in a lot of country’s since they are high risk for the baby
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I totally get that, I have absolutely been there! Give yourself grace to be overwhelmed and petty right now without burning down the friendship. And when you feel better, give him grace for just actually being ignorant. When you're not struggling it can be really hot to know what that's really like.
Hang in there, I'm proud of you for taking the steps you need to to get better and getting back to work. That's such a huge undertaking and I'd love to see you come back in six months or a year and tell us that you are happier and healthier and still getting better
This. I need to make this the conversation.
Do I do this before the next planned trip or wait and have this conversation in person?
You didn’t do anything wrong, there’s some weird misconception that if women work out seriously they’ll get hella bulky like a man would. On top of that he could feel emasculated at the idea of you becoming buffer or stronger looking than him? Idk your living situation but I’d never let my partner talk to me like that and to end it off he still said he hates you. Boundaries need to be set sternly moving forward if you choose to stay with them. They need to apologize as well for how disrespectfully they spoke to you. If I were you though if the relationship is less than a year I’d cut him off, if it’s longer they have 1 more chance and I’d need to see active improvement and sincerity from them. I Hope you still end up pursuing cutting/bulking regardless.
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You aren't wrong, mighty is. You do not need to ask for consent on every single touch and kiss. Hell, when I was in a 2 year relationship, my ex and I got to the point where either of us could initiate sex with touches, not words. We both had discussed it of course, and I reinforced that she was always allowed to say no, and we wound up being able to just touch and go. We are still great friends today, but if mighty had their way, then we would be each sitting in jail facing hundreds of counts of sexual assault.
In his world view, you should first ask to hold their hand. Then stop to ask to put your arm around their back. Then ask to put your head on their shoulder, and so on, making physical intimacy an actual chore.
Minimum respect would be not letting you have sex on dirty sheets and use a brown toilet, no?
Anyway, just be careful and don't let this horror show of a home be your base – and please, do not clean it for him.
Now see I was going to suggest that since they take their laundry else where it could have been left in a dryer or the washer, and was just over looked.
And then when the BIL story came out, I was like yep can see that too, but then she went off because he wanted to return them to BIL I was like yep she cheating.
when my dad asked “how do you take your steak” my bf made a nervous joke and said “I dont take it, he does” while pointing to me
What a gross “joke”.
Idk why others do it but I never did; it was the only way for me to keep track that I hadn't fucked up the schedule.
There's no reason for telling him.
Let's say you do tell him, and he feels the opposite of you. You're basically giving him a baby and then immediately take it away.
Since you're getting an abortion and already booked the appointment, there's no reason to involve him.
You shouldn’t hate to say it as this is absolutely the truth.
OP is a trash person and now I can’t sleep because I’m worried about HIS ANIMALS.
Dude have some self respect
Stop letting your wife and child get pets they obviously are terrible pet owners and you aren’t much better enabling them and neglecting the animals out of stubbornness. If she brings a new pet In immediately take it to a shelter. This has went as far as you’ve allowed it. This should be divorcé material
You laid your boundaries and she's playing hopscotch with them, so it's on her . Time for a new gf.
Is your friend on some kind of loopy meds or something? That’s the only reason I could see for someone to do something like this. Why did he owe it to himself? Strange situation.
You cannot change an abuser. Your only real choices are to leave, or to accept the fact that he will continue to escalate the abuse over time and isolate you from all your other loved ones.
You really should get out now. While he’s locked up in a facility is really your safest opportunity to leave. I bet your Dad would take you in in a heartbeat.
Why tf would you burn the shirt
Why do you want to break up with him?
This OP, Hope he reads this.
I’m not arguing against the fact that the brain stops developing at 25 yo. I’m arguing the use of that argument to explain the divorce numbers. And I’m arguing against the use of age as predictor of divorce without considering and correcting for SES.
Maybe I was not clear before, but I can reference some papers on scholar why drawing conclusion on society using only one control variable is bad. I might even reference some of my papers if you want lol
Did you ask her why?
Yes, but it seems like she relies on him to make any of it happen.
It’s a good idea for you to have therapy too for yourself. Right now you’re blurring the lines on who the monster really is. It’s not the baby. This baby is your children’s half sibling. Your wife’s blood. There’s love in those veins. Whether adopted or keeping him/her try and redirect your anger to the right person. With therapy. It’ll be good for you, your wife and all children involved if you go into this in the right frame of mind.
No God I’ve ever heard of
Really? Republicans have been yammering on about this God for decades in the States. Accordingly to them, God has a real penchant for forcing women to “grow” through rape.
Don't know where I would be without them
Don't know where I would be without them
Don't know where I would be without them
No wonder she's cheating on you. You're a door mat.
It’s a really fine line, there’s a lot of nuance, but the gift giving out of the blue thing can be problematic. Sometimes that’s just another manipulation tactic. ‘You can’t turn on me now because remember when I bought you that gift’. The thing is though, it was unsolicited, so you don’t really owe her anything in return. I guess the key is if it makes you uncomfortable or not.
I had a friend who was very much like this growing up. Luckily in my case she found a new ‘best friend friends forever omg bestie’ which took the heat off me somewhat and allowed some much needed distance to develop. We’ve grown closer again in later adulthood and she’s grown up a lot since having her own kids so the big period of distance did it’s job. I guess what I’m trying to say is that if you see her everywhere, and are worried about that awkwardness, there’s no need to go nuclear and formally break up the friendship. Just keep a healthy distance and let the friendship fade out naturally. I see that you’ve been well on the way to doing this, but I think your boyfriend really needs to get on board and stop enabling her behaviour. Maybe read about ‘grey rocking’. It really does work like a charm with the attention seeking types.
Seriously, she’s 26 and got “manipulated” by someone 3 years younger than her…
Make sure you take care of her needs first and then it doesn't matter quite so much. I don't care how long my husband lasts as long as I have a good time
Yeah this stressed me the fuck out, OP I wish you the very best.
Who brings such a sensetive issue out of blue? Her way of bringing is so messed up.
I am a childfree guy, and had vasectomy. When I had this discussion with my ex wife, I made a serious talk about it.
ESH tbh, you should have defended her, yes. But its true that she has poor social boundaries, and this is something you recognize far more than she does.
As a person who has also been like this, I learned (and it took a while to really learn this) that this was a masochistic/histrionic/borderline trait all mixed in together. Masochistic traits like these are generally called borderline traits because the person fears abandonment, but also its histrionic because it is seeking sexual attention even if its a negative attention. Doesnt mean she has these disorders, just that these were ongoing issues for me, and therefore they were traits for ME, for a non specified personality disorder that included traits from a few of the cluster b groups. Cluster B traits are more of an emotionally unstable person whose coping methods are just maladjusted. Should be called maladjustment disorder, lol my personality is just fine, lol. And after years of therapy I am actually pretty well adjusted overall now.
I think you should ask to attend her therapy session with her a few times to help you two to work out this social problem with the therapist. She trusts her therapist right now more than she trusts you, is all. I know that sounds bad, but thats just how it works, especially if she has a disorder.
She has to learn that she does not have to share her personal information with people so quickly. I learned that oversharing was scaring off people who could have actually been good friends eventually.
She has to learn how to have better protection for her self esteem. Her past is her past, and it doesnt have to on-line in her now or in her future. Its just her past.
I would also put my foot down in private, and say “Hey I love you and everything about you. But you need to develop better boundaries with acquaintances and strangers. Therefore, I am going to challenge you to try to keep your conversations VERY light, and here are some conversation topics you are knowledgeable about that you CAN bring up, that wont scare people off or start problems and affect your self esteem.” Then hand her an index card with light conversation topics she should stick to, reminding her to avoid discussing her past for a few months, with new people.
Some light hearted topics include:
Popular TV and movies
Telling jokes
Favorite games (cards, video games, board games, sports etc)
Upcoming holidays, planning, shopping, decorating, cooking for, etc
The lottery and what would you and your new mates do with the money if you won it
Social Networking sites you are on, and what you like or dont like about them.
Dining out/ entertainment, favorite places, dishes, etc
Hobbies and interests currently (dont mention the therapy visits)
See how she does on her own, and dont fight her if she screws it up. Just defend her, and ask in private to see if she will let you come with her to a few therapy sessions to help her deal better.
Xo
Disloyal people are liars, cheats, and manipulators. Time to pack, don’t waste another day on him.
Just remember length gives you strength but girth shakes the earth
Yeah sorry I should never Reddit when I drink
You are my homie now for we both agree on the subject of Bob. Fuck Bob.
Possibly. I'm not a nofap bro, never been. But decided to try it after years of daily masturbation.
The sexual tension I have from day to day is enormous. But I find that it drives me to do something with it. Because of being pet up, I end up hitting the gym alot more than I normally would.
I caved after 3 months. But the gym had become routine and it's a habit I now have. I realize I find it harder to motivate myself to hit the gym on days after watching porn.
Nofap bros exaggerate the “science” like any other broscience venture. But it's worked for me. Pent up sexual energy = more drive to do shit that will get me laid.
i agree with her opinion entirely? i was asking her whether or not she thinks saying the “kill all men” phrase has a negative impact on men or not. in my opinion it does, but i am also aware that women have gone through enough suffering to justify just about anything at this point, that's all. i am not taking away from the oppression women face day to day, it was just a question? you seem upset by this. i guess you're correct though, i agree with 99.9% of her point(?)
i'm bringing it to reddit to ask for people's opinions on the situation, not to act like the hot done by one, what would i gain from that?
and i'm sorry, just to get this straight, am i not allowed to ask questions in this scenario? and even if i did have a different opinion, am i in the wrong for that?you're phrasing it like i'm purposely acting in some sort of way to cause issues between me and my girlfriend and that is actually ridiculous considering you don't know either of us.
i never questioned my girlfriend about feminism we were talking about it for about an hour before this even took place, and we frequently have discussions about these topics. i am aware of countless issues women face on a day to day basis and i actively try to be a better person for my girlfriend and the other women in my life, i'd like to think i am doing a pretty good job already but thank you 🙂
She would be my x quick smart!
She has also been though a lot with you in 3 years and probably felt a bit trapped by the situation. She knows she would have looked very bad if she left when you were ill and that puts enormous pressure on her to 'stick by you' especially during quiet times when your lack of things in common felt more pronounced. She may also have felt like your carer and that is not a romantic or sexy situation.
You are still only 24 and that is too young to deem your life is over because you broke up with your first love. The idea you'll be alone forever is ridiculous unless you have actually decided to spend your life wallowing over her. It seems like your concern is more about her looks than anything and you not being handsome enough to find such a hot girl again. Ugly people date.
She was your safety net but you were matbe her prison. She deserves her freedom and you might need to re-learn your independance to become an equal partner again. That requires more than sitting home not looking at other girls. Good luck op
Wait “taking care of him and your son”?
Isn’t he 50? Does he not work?
Instead of being happy for you, why in the world is he being so selfish? He doesn’t even want to compromise and accompany you on any trips.
I’m sorry you have to deal with that but he is being unreasonable.
Exactly she is gaslighting the crap out of him
Don’t give the birth givers too much kudos it’s their lack of parenting I’m unlearning ?
You don't need him to admit it. You have the evidence you need. Why can't you just leave knowing what you know?
You mean your shared gf? Come on man
You are dense. Rape (except for statutory rape) is a specific intent crime. This means that in order for somebody to be guilty of it, they have to INTEND to do and also do every single element of the relevant statute. Also deceit or fraud or deception requires some sort of legally imposed duty that is breached by said deceit, fraud, or deception.
I find it hot to believe that she specifically hid the fact she transitioned just with the intention to just have sex with the dude she was dating.
Also, if she is legally a female – think changing a gender marker on a birth certificate- there’s no fraud or deception?
I agree that maybe morally she should have told your friend that she had transitioned to female, but NOTHING REQUIRES HER TO DO THAT. And absent some sort of LEGAL obligation imposed on her to do so, there can be no deceit, fraud, or deception. And guess what, tonmy knowledge there isn’t any law that requires a transgender person to disclose that they are transgender.
This isn’t rape- your friend is trying to play victim and you’re joining in so you both can hide the fact that you’re both transphobic.
Wow, this is legit at least the 5th post in a week I’ve read about a man ‘not realizing’, ‘forgetting’, ‘misreading’ or having selective hearing during sex and doing something/continuing the interaction as if they suddenly turned blind and lost their hearing when their partner expressed discomfort and/or distress.
Remarkably, after they’ve finished and see how upset their partner is, they swear they had no idea, crying that they would never intentionally hurt you, and please forgive them.
So you did this one time before and then said you’d have to discuss it further and come up with a safe word. Then you come home drunk and you BOTH realized how drunk you were and you told him you were too drunk and he was cool. All these ‘coincidental’ lapses in memory for him conveniently just so happened to be the things said previously that let him know it wouldn’t be ok? That only the second time he tried this was when you were incredibly wasted and could have been blacked out? That’s not a coincidence, that’s him insulting your intelligence that you should believe this. He got caught and is manipulating you and trying to play the victim.
That’s coming from someone who has this same type of kink, except it’s literally been said more than once ‘you are ALWAYS welcome to start having sex with me or mess around if/when I’m asleep’. It seems like you’ve had multiple discussions regarding kinks, and that it’s important to outline the parameters, and after doing this one specifically you did, saying we need a safe word. And hadn’t really touched on it since. This is where certain people will use kinks to abuse/assault someone(esp in free use/bdsm kinks), and then try to blame it on the kink.
I’m fuming for you and could probably write a post 3x longer, but I think you get the gist between mine and everyone else’s post. This follows a pattern of behavior-like I said, this is at least the 5 or 6th post I’ve read this week with a SO blatantly assaulting their partner, and then acting like it was all an innocent mistake and their also the victim.
You should NEVER genuinely fear your SO, kinks or not, and I honestly think once you get in that situation, things irreversibly change where you can’t go back to how it was. I don’t think anyone should be in a relationship with another person if there is a doubt in the back of their mind that they SA you. And I think if you heard this from a friend or a stranger, without the emotional ties involved, you’d agree with me.
“I made an appointment with a therapist”
Good move. Let a skilled person look into that, lift you up and explain to you how his manipulation works.
“and got a membership at a different gym than him.”
Great idea. Be out of his zone.
“But then 5 hours later, he unblocked me”
Oh nooooo! The usually DO come back after having messed once with you. So as a rule: block who ghosts you.
“and sent a long paragraph about how he shouldn't have been so hasty and was willing to change to make things work. “
That' one manipulator and gaslighter at work, and a skilled one at that!
He understood that he oveestepped boundaries and that he had lost his prey (you) by making that move.
What he did then is called “love bombing”.
It's going along with a narcissistics persons box of tools to get power over another person. Serving in the end to totally win power over that person and break their will.
You dodged that bullet once! Don't get back. Stay away from him.
Block him. Remember the snake Kaa of the jungle book by Disney?
THIS is what he does right now. Gaslighting you into believing he could change from a manipulative ah person into a liberal “good to be with” dude. ??♂️
No effing way this is true!
Dude, the fact that you're saying that breaking up is unthinkable and you're deeply in love… After 2.5 months… You seriously need to reality check yourself. You are infatuated with each other, but you don't even really know this person fully at this point. The issue of the cats and the allergies aside (allergy pills and shots are a thing btw, I take allegra every day, and I'm fine)–you need to slow things down a bit here. You're acting like you're soul mates. You've known each other less than half a year. Come on.
For gods sake, work your shit out together.
Ozempic has been in the news a bunch lately for celebrity weight loss but it’s actually for people like your wife. It’s not a permanent, long term solution but it could kick start a healthier lifestyle and help her out of the rut she’s in.
His physical response of shaking and panicking is based on his brain’s subconscious state telling you the truth of what he did: HE FEELS GUILTY HE WAW CAUGHT! He doesn’t feel guilty for doing it, but guilty for being caught.
So now he is down playing and micro gaslighting you because he was caught red handed.
Take what he says and remove “wasn’t” or anything similar from what he said and that tells you the truth.
Someone caught in a lie always uses a lot of reverse psychology downplay by saying “wasn’t” when it WAS!
Kind of like wen someone is telling you no but shaking their head YES ?
Just notice the contradictions in his words and actions.
Anyway, you gotta ask where your trust level is at with him now due to what has happened. Cause that is the bedrock of any foundation in a relationship and once trust is getting chipped away, that’s when the relationship slowly started to deteriorate.
So address your trust level first before you address things with him cause you need to check in with how he made you feel and how you feel trust wise as well.
I say this as having four of my ten ex’s who cheated on me. Even one of those cheaters was a good guy, never abused me, but still cheated. It’s the good ones who are VERY sneaky cause you don’t suspect them to fleece you like that.
You’re his roommate, the Cute Nickname is his primary, long term relationship.
Let her know that you have too much on your plate to respond so frequently and that perhaps she could join a poetry group to get the feedback. Or set aside a specific Sat that the 2 of you connect 1x/mo.
Codependency issues aren't a good reason to rush a relationship. That's truly terrible advice. She needs to get a roommate and move out.
Understand that this will be a lifelong commitment and you will probably end up doing more than your share of the caregiver responsibilities. If he can afford his own place, how about two apartments in the same building so you have a more defined space. How about a home with a nanny/inlaw suite that is accessible. I suspect your partner has already made up their mind and now you have to make up yours.
Sounds like she’s done with you my man. You can’t keep on saying “it wasn’t my finest hour” as an excuse every time you screw up. I don’t think it’s about you screwing up as much as your reaction to it. Notice how you didn’t take responsibility for your angry outburst and lied to your wife. Sounds to me like she’s tired of the same shit day in and day out, especially when she did nothing to warrant this behavior from you. Sounds like you both are sick of this relationship.
Thank you, this made me feel a little better. I know you're right, I want to feel comfortable being alone before I start dating again. My thoughts are all just confused right now
I think the red flag is how upset you are about it (ie showing that you don’t trust him, that’s a bad sign and you should pay attention to it). There’s nothing inherently wrong with spending loads of time with coworkers of the opposite sex. 99% of my coworkers are male, we go out for drinks frequently and my boyfriend has never cared ever bc he trusts me and we have established that etc. so I don’t think it’s the situation occurring as much as your bf showing himself to be untrustworthy/you should pay attention to your feelings about that bc that’s a bad sign.
It's time to shut that shit down. Do what you want when single and there are no repercussions, but now that relationships are happening and she's talking about getting physical again in the future, it's not a good look. It looks faithless. If she understands it can't happen while she's with someone, she really shouldn't be discussing further opportunities to do so. Don't go back to that special friendship, that time has now passed.
You're so young, I wouldn't waste time on someone who can't make you a priority.
If you convinced him to get back together you'll always be on the backfoot trying to please him so he will stay. It will exhaust you.
But if you are determined to get him back, go dark, don't respond to anything for awhile. Let him miss you. If you are keeping the lines of communication open and signaling your availability, he won't have the chance to miss you or fear losing you.
Still tho…I recommend moving on.