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Date: September 20, 2022
Hello OP There is enough information to help you. There is no context If you are in a exclusif long term relationship. It will be necessary to establish boundaries with your friends and this go for your BF too. Friend are rare and a bad entourage is as toxic as a bad relationship. If you don’t believe me you can go the divorce, cheating, infidelity sub.
Did I have a stroke or is this not in English?
She seems to like the attention and she even encourages it. She hides your relationship or stays in contact with these random men.
Personally, I wouldn't let random men follow me and I certainly wouldn't reply to their messages. I wouldn't want to be with a person who needed/wanted a lot of online attention from strangers.
You can't control her though. She is, who she is. You need to consider if you could be happy and secure in this situation long term.
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My bf makes a good salary, around $350k a year as such he fancies high end restaurants however whenever we go I get super embarrassed by the way he acts.
We went to a Michelin star fine dining restaurant that had a set menu. He asked the waiter if he could tweak some of the recipes on there and asked the chef to make his food extra spicy. The waiter responded back saying that they don’t tweak their food and gave him a side of chilli flakes.
We go to a fine dining Koran bbq place where we got to bbq our meats. He takes the side dishes such as corn, jalapeño peppers, white rice, broccoli, raw onions and mixes it up in the tin tray that the meat came in and puts soy sauce and ketchup in it and lets it cook on the bbq where the meat is supposed to cook. He then proceeds to offer his mixed up gunk to everyone around the table (mind you this is something that a 5 year old would make).
A group of us went to a high high high end steakhouse and everyone ordered their own entrees. When he got his plate he started to chop up his food and starts spoon feeling his food to everyone around the table.
I feel so embarrassed that he doesn’t have any table manners and idk how to confront a grown man about this.
TLDR: My (30f) bf (30m) likes going to high end restaurants but doesn’t know how to act and it’s embarrassed
Boy bye
Just because you don’t want it to be doesn’t mean it isn’t. Ultimately it’s your choice what you decide to put up with im just saying you should really reflect
He's an idiot then
There isn’t anything wrong with you. Sometimes people grow apart or change in different directions, and it’s ok. I was engaged and had a similar situation occur at 27. I thought it was something I did wrong or he did, but at the end of the day it boiled down to us being young and changing in ways that didn’t work with one another during our 20s. It’s difficult now, but it will be a learning experience and you will be ok. The biggest thing is to try and navigate the end of the relationship with kindness and empathy. It doesn’t have to be a horrible end and if you can preserve some form of kindness, you can hopefully salvage some form of friendship in the future (future being keyword here).
“You just sort of came out with it”? Why? What was the purpose? You led him down a path of insecurity for what reason? If this was AITA, you’d be that.
And does size really matter to you? I’ve never noticed anyone’s size, just their caring/attention etc. if I were him, I’d leave you
He needs to go! And u need to have someone with u even if its a cop and tell them u don't feel safe with this dude because girl u shldnt feel safe with this dude.
He sounds scary and again i always say a dude that can't take no from the first no is not someone i want around.
Ur body is to be respected and ur no should be a no!
Getting upset over sex is gross. Not stopping when u say stop is gross! Acting like a brat over it is gross!
He's gross.
Just takes a bit of time brother. Focus on the things you enjoy, and that make you happy. Surround yourself with friends and family.
Thanks for the article. Learned something today.
Seriously. This thread is wild.
I think the brother is solidly way more in the wrong, but is the bf quick to use violence?
Clearly. Lol.
It was an immature and inappropriate thing to do, and he clearly has some comfort with casual violence that I think speaks poorly of his character.
But you know, according to thousands upon thousands of comments/upvotes on this thread it’s perfectly cool to immediately physically batter people saying rude shit the first time, especially if they’ve been mildly annoying beforehand.
yessss!!!!!
Have you talked to him about it? 4 months is still pretty new and that’s also the time you learn to communicate. Do you know if he’s comfortable with seeing you once a week or doesn’t want to push for more?
It’s over it’s just a matter of logistics
>>That because of this feels like he can’t say things to me because I end up crying bc then he has to comfort me and it is emotionally draining.
One thing that you can explicitly work out with him is that, even if you are crying, he doesn't have to comfort you in the moment. You can cry, and you both can continue the conversation about his issue. Because yes, a person who always cries can come across as emotionally manipulative and derailing in a conversation about difficult subjects. I don't think that crying at evreything is part of yourself that you should accept at face value? Because are you going to cry in a work meeting if you get somewhat difficult feedback. Or in any other context that isn't relational. If you're with your boss and you see something that moves you, will you cry? If you're talking to a loan officer at a bank and you are overhwlemed at the thought of getting a mortage, will you cry?
“nope out”… I love it!!
three months or less
Did he ask you to pay him back? Take the W!
Don’t let your pride get in the way of having a great time with your boyfriend. He wouldn’t offer if he didn’t want to do it!
He would still find a reason not to treat those.
And it is too costly to permit people to neglect their health, then demand top grade care. His teeth would merely be removed.
Your wife is correct. Grandparents don’t get to be entitled and ignore the wishes of the mother
Did you get picked yet, sweetie? 😂
But there are presumed boundaries. Like if I'm going into a relationship with someone new, I presume the following aren't cheating: watching porn, masturbation, speaking to someone of the opposite sex, going to see a movie with someone of the opposite sex e.t.c.
I don't expect to need to run it by my new girlfriend that I have to have her permission to watch porn…
Your worth is not dependent on your relationship with him. You have so much going on in your life. You are a Mom! You are nude working ! You got a good life being made for you and your son. You need to cut out anyone in your life that treats you with so much toxicity. Keeping this up is also not a good look for your child who looks up to you. See if you can get some therapy, because you need to rebuild your sense of self worth. Everything you are building around you are signs that even if you “fail”, you can rebuild yourself. You need to redirect that sense of hope into something that's positive and will help you better yourself. If you're scared of being alone, you aren't. I'm sure you have loved ones around you.
Desperately trying to fix and accept , I have seeked therapy . But how do I fix something when he denies there is a problem ?
Now you know why you aren't friends anymore. Keep it in mind for next time. She is the one who ended the relationship, not you. You can't really try again at this point without pushing her boundaries that she's set. So don't.
Yes i brought this up on Sunday to him. On Tuesday he said “we’ll talk about it” I brought it up yesterday and he said “this weekend” And how he’s saying Sunday. So i told him i postponing looking for a new place to live with him until we have this convo. I don’t want to have this conversation on Sunday incase it goes bad. And him continuing to push it off is giving me a bad feeling
Sounds like he failed the boyfriend test to me. Give him the boot, you'll find someone who treats you properly instead.
Manage it by using your legs to run far, far away from this gigantic, bright billowing red flag
Exactly – now you've gotten yourself a “reputation” at work that won't easily go away. This could affect your career path – very bad decision.
He is severely emotionally abusing you. He wants to see how much abuse you will take from him. Tell him you have found the correct emotional response and it’s happiness to see him out of your life!
Yes, she is flirting with you. Ask away. Good luck.
Wait for what?
You are being downvoted 😂
I want to marry and share my life with a man someday. I see them a few times a year, but almost always at Christmastime, because it’s a tradition for us to have a family reunion then. It’s especially frustrating because if I were to marry a woman, they would celebrate that relationship. But if I were to marry a man, they would condemn it and possibly disown me.
BDSM is done with consent. You told him you weren't into it meaning he did NOT have consent. He lacks respect which is needed for BDSM.
I think sleeping with someone that is prolife is such a huge risk as a woman. I'm guessing an unexpected pregnancy right now isn't something you're prepared to commit to given your age (though I could be wrong). What would happen if you did get pregnant and wanted an abortion?
The thing is often our political leanings are rooted in core values and those values do come up and do cause conflict if they are conflicting, usually at the worse possible times. Also in my experience conservative/conservative-lite men do tend to have some underlying patriarchal views so be careful in general.
You broke up. He needs to respect your boundaries. I would consider going no contact for a while. You don’t owe him an explanation. He can be upset all he wants he doesn’t get to bully you into speaking with him. Especially as you said you want time alone. 7 years is a long time. Both of you will be hurting or reflecting in different ways. Sounds like he is not taking the breakup well. This may become an issue. I would make it known you are not asking for space but cutting ties and block him if necessary. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to.
It’s a bad idea. You’ve dated such a short period of time that you don’t really know each other. The problem is that if everything goes to hell, you’re stuck/trapped. Smart money is on waiting another year.
I want to say I throw up when I'm extremely anxious and it's not a behavior I had until after trauma as an adult. It is involuntary and not done for attention in my case.
If he doesn’t follow me back it’s gonna be so horrible because i see him at the gym and i’m going to a social event which he might be at next weekend..
He's only obsessed with controlling you.
I'm glad to hear it! Focus on self-care and getting yourself in order so you're making active instead of reactive decisions. It makes it much easier to weigh options and less likely that you'll regret things later.
If he cheats on his current partner with you, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you? There are very loving and faithful people out there. Just because cheating is common now doesn't mean there aren't people out there with values and a conscience. If I were in your position, finding out about his partner and kid is the day our relationship ends. He didn't just cheat but he actively kept his home life secret from you and you for your part continued to sleep with a man who's in a relationship. It isn't your relationship and logically, you do not owe her any loyalty but morally, you know this is very wrong. I was in love with someone too at one point and I thought they loved me too until I found out about their partner in an anniversary post on instagram and it hurt like hell but a switch flipped in my head and every ounce of love I felt was gone and replaced with disgust. Truth is, anyone who can do this to their partner can never be trusted and he probably wouldn't trust you either on a subconscious level because he now knows that you're someone who'd cheat or someone who'd stay with a cheating man so he'd probably never trust you either. This is a mess. It's one thing if he just had a partner. He could just walk away and never look back but there's a kid involved meaning that other woman would always be in the picture forever and what about the kid? Do you know what infidelity does to a kid? Do you know what coming from a broken home does to children? You messed up big time. Walk away. Let him find someone else and you do the same. If you stay, you'd regret it.
The nude pill to swallow for most couples in this situation.
Nobody really knows knows if they're SO is the one until they're decades into the marriage. HOWEVER, it's your call and his call if you're the ones for each other right now.
But LDRs are very hot. How long until you can hypothetically move in together (or move to the same town) if the LDR goes well?
Long comment ahead.
First off, it's common knowledge.
Secondly, I have personal experience with this in my own relationships/encounters. I was the younger one in a large age gap situation twice, when I was 15 with a 28-year-old and at 21 with a 31-year-old; both cases were characterized by heavy deception and manipulation. I won't go into detail about when I was 15 because underage is illegal and is different in that regard.
My experience with the 31-year-old included verbal and emotional abuse, sexual assault, stalking, isolation, and using his female friends to manipulate me and get information to make sure I wasn't telling anyone anything about him sleeping with someone so much younger (he had worries about the age gap himself initially and he made sure I knew it was important to keep it a deep, dark secret. I told him it was fine but I was too inexperienced to see the red flags at the time. I had never been in a relationship (not counting when I was 15, since that was grooming), friends with benefits, or had any sexual encounters before).
The 31-year-old routinely targets teens 18-19 and young adults in their early twenties, and was talking to at least one underage girl at 17 that I know of a couple of years ago, all while having a long-term girlfriend as well (we were not together but we had a sexual, flirtatious relationship and close “friendship”). I learned all of this after the fact from his best friend and was unaware of it all. His best friend told me because I told him about what happened, so he decided to fill me in in turn. He disapproved of what the guy was doing and was angry because the guy made inappropriate comments about his younger, 16-year-old sister.
Other people in my life have gone through similar situations. I am highly wary of these age gaps because I was and still am that young though I have learned the hard way, and I have been in them and witnessed them. I know how naive, immature, and inexperienced young adults are/can be, and how it can negatively affect them. My experience is not a single, uncommon outlier, as you might suggest.
I am a graduating Psychology major who has studied and learned the details on maturity and brain differences between age groups, and the research that I have read describes a vast difference from the teenage years (13-18) to young adulthood (18-25) to 25+ (18-19 year olds are still teenagers). There are distinctions with older ages as well but we're focusing on young adults and about 30-35. The research discussed large age gaps between teenagers/young adults and far older adults and the common detrimental effects. Brave classmates also discussed their experiences with such situations, both males and females. More often than not, the relationships were unhealthy and had many problems.
Different people have different ideas about what constitutes cheating in their relationship, so no one can tell you it is or isn’t. I will say, however, that I’d feel it was cheating and I’m sure most others would, too. A kiss with a friend doesn’t usually involve tongue and I feel like you acknowledge this by following it up with ‘A is a very sexual person’.
Why is she even able to send you crap? Block her and be quick about that!
Well like I said, I probably wouldn’t stay with him. You’re young. You have so much life ahead of you. Why waste it with an adult who is dragging you down and whom you have to babysit?
But you could easily let him keep using the current acct and you open another that he doesn’t have access to.
It's def a deal-breaker and a big one at that.
well if he consented to having sex with a cis woman she omitted the fact that she trans, then he did not consent to having sex with a trans woman.
in the same vein, if a woman consents to having sex with a man wearing a condom, then she did not consent to having sex with a man without a condom
You are not scummy. This is terrifying. Knowing that any kids you have with her would be on the same roulette wheel of mental illness and life would be one long waiting game to see if fate would ever call their number? Unbearable.
She doesn’t want to take medication for the rest of her life, but she has a permanent illness. I think that in your heart, you already know this is not going to end well.
You are allowed to walk away. You are allowed to have a life without this kind of uncertainty.
No one is gonna lie to you and say you have a giant schlong. There is nothing wrong with average, the problem isn’t what she said. Get the fuck over it. That’s the only way forward
You have more restraint than I do, I would have knocked his out before leaving.
As for your parting shot of telling him that you hate him. I think you actually do.
What you love is the idea of your father, of someone who loved and cared for you, who looked out for you, helped you grow.
Whether or not this person existed or not before you moved in with him at 15 – he didn’t exist afterwards.
The fact that they still don’t believe that they did anything wrong while you were growing up is further proof hat they don’t actually love you, they just want people to think they do.
If you were to tell the community that they on-line in, their friends and relatives exactly what abuse you suffered at their hands growing up, they would soon be grovelling for your forgiveness.
She stole your car??
Report it and press charges.
She's not a keeper. Of course no one approves of her. Just from this short post, she's abusive and rude. Not a keeper.
My stance would only seem rigid to people who don't respect boundaries.
Laughing and smiling can be a nervous response and done as a stress response to situations that cause feelings like tension, pain or embarrassment. Your BF has told you many times to stop but you didn't stop teasing because you saw what you want to see. I'm not necessarily blaming you misunderstanding what you were dealing with, but you should absolutely learn from this encounter not to trigger nervous responses (like all the jumps you enjoyed generating) in other people for your personal amusement. People can't always have a full-blown conversation about their childhood trauma, nor always know how to convey the right levels of seriousness to get someone to respect their boundaries.
Your apology to the guy needs to be genuine and you need to give him some time to calm down. One of the issues here compounding everything is that when you should've treated the situation seriously, you practically gave him the finger instead (and even when you came on here you were still clearly pissed off at him and completely lacking in empathy).
Yes his reaction was bad but its also sort of what you get for repeatedly pushing someones nervous response triggers in their resting spaces over god only knows what period of time (and to no avail over anything they've said).
We are not a product thank you very fucking much.
and yes im controlling myself to stop looking through her social medias
You need to break up with your boyfriend, this ain’t even a question.
Sounds like you haven't grown at all. You are still incredibly selfish.
He's projecting so hard that you should change his name to IMAX in your phone. Accusing their SO of cheating is #1 in the cheater handbook.
Don't bother going to counseling with a lying cheater who lies and cheats. Pack up and go elsewhere. Don't let him paint you as a cheater. That may be his next move–public accusations so he can play victim.
Protect your share of any assets. Take your important docs somewhere safe. Then, see what happens when he realizes how badly he has screwed up. He'll either come begging, or he'll double down on his BS.
He obviously likes anal play and dressing up. Talk to him about it.
UpdateMe!
i think hes doing it so much cause he wants you to wake up. 2-3 a night isnt normal. its kinda psychopathic if he isn't doing it to wake you up.
Mmmm, well it's more of a cultural thing I think. I'm from North America, he's from East Asia. In the area we live in now, it's pretty standard that people get engaged quickly. I've told him about my customs in my home country, and he's willing to wait it out as long as we need – I did tell him I needed more time until we get married.
My therapist has reassured me that this relationship is GOOD for me, and that it will take time to learn what love is supposed to feel like, as opposed to lust – as other commenters have pointed out. I didn't want to turn down the proposal and make him think that I was rejecting him – but we did have a conversation afterwards.
It’s not a very healthy way to unwind after work.
Omg that's just unlocked a whole bunch of teenage drinking memories and of guys being all weird about me drinking pints.
If you agreed to no drinking, you can’t just bend the rules to suit yourself. Also, it’s pretty normal not to be okay with your gf drinking alone at a pub every night after work by herself. Every. Single. Night? Especially when you agreed not to drink to save money. I think you guys need to have a conversation about what you guys expect from each other and come to an agreement on the drinking thing. I think a good compromise would be to go maybe 2-3 times a week rather than every night, and agree on how much you’re allowed to spend (and allow him to spend the same if he’d like to).
As someone who used to be similar with my own partner before i became medicated, all you can really do is show him how much you've changed through actions rather than words, itll hurt a lot some days but thats what therapy is for. He shouldn't have to be your therapist for these feelings and so dumping this on him will be too much, if you've already apologized for everything youve done to him and thanked him for everything hes done for you then all you can do is take therapy and accept your guilt
You're overthinking, because you're not trying to change him. It's about you, and how you deserve to be treated. When he's alone, he can scroll through it for 12 straight hours.
There is a psycho in the midst. If he won't leave you alone, and you want to be left alone, then call the police.
In all you have written, I fail to see one single reason for staying with this man. He is dead weight. You are already operating like a single mother. He is acting like an extra child. Why are you with him still?
I'd change to Brock immediately. But then oh the irony of it bc the boyfriend would just have been right about PUTTING ON ANOTHER MANS HOODIE!
In Why Does He Do That? Lundy Bancroft explains this behavior as one person seeing the other person as their property, not as their own separate person. Because he sees you as an extension of him, if you have opinions that are your own, you are defying his expectations. I don’t know that that’s what’s going on here, but it’s pretty bare minimum to realize that another person will have their own opinions and you don’t have to agree on everything. In fact, that’s healthy.
As someone whose profession is working in DV it absolutely makes sense. She knows from experience that talking leads to explosion. Therefore by just quietly doing it there’s the possibility that it flies under the radar and she gets some reprieve. It’s the difference between absolutely getting screamed at by talking vs possible non reaction by quietly just doing.
Yeah, there's a saying that goes something along the lines of, you only truly know someone when you've traveled with them, done business with them, and lived with them. . .
Doesnt want to taste his own Cock in your mouth.
Most straight men do not want their own or any other man’s cum in their mouth. Do most women? Lol.
I feel like you know that you need to leave him. Your children need you to leave him. Don’t let his spiral into debt and drugs destroy your life as much as it does his. Divorce him, find a job. Finding a job may be naked, but it’s going to be so so much easier for you to on-line a healthy life if you’re working and a single mum than it will be if you stay with him. The red flags are lining up and having a flag party. You’ve done your best, but the only one who can help him is himself. He needs to reach the point in his life where he decides that gambling and drugs aren’t what he wants for himself anymore. You can’t afford to wait around for him to reach that conclusion. Your children and you deserve better than he’s willing to give.
Thank you for replying. She is very toxic. I am thinking of meeting my dad somewhere but the problem is she is manipulating him easily. He can’t hide anything from her. She is very healthy, healthier than me even so she have the upper hand on him. A therapist is a good idea. Thank you again for taking the time to read and reply.
You're the 'victim' of your own shitty and idiotic decisions.
Why not ask her? Just send a text “hey, if you’re not feeling things that’s okay. I was just wondering if there was anything I did or said that made you uncomfortable”
6 Years is a long time but no one should expect a 16 year old to make choices which last forever and you shouldn't either.
Let go of how long it has been and ask yourself is it what you want and is this the sign to move on.
That should tell you your answer
The question to ask yourself is if you want to have the talk before or after she travels to have sex with her Affair Partner.
If right now, she is planning on having sex, but hasn't, is it enough already that you want a divorce? Or if you could get her to cancel the trip, drop her AP and stay with you, would you forgive her (or try).
Because if you want to stop it here and now (before it's too late) pull out the lingerie, set them neatly on the bed, and call your wife in to talk. Ask her if she really wants to end the marriage and ask her to show you all communication with the AP. Let her know that there is a chance to save this marriage.
If, on the other hand, this is already a betrayal most foul, then it's time to hire a PI and a lawyer.
Because I know he’s trying his best to be a good partner because he will surprise me with something that will give me hope (big or small). I love him but it’s sometimes naked for me to remember. I just hope I’m not the only one who feels this way. (:
I agree with this but also, if over a month or a few months you find that he is putting the effort in but you just can't relax/see him the same way, that's not your fault and a perfectly valid reason to leave.
LC = low contact VLC = very low contact NC = no contact
Time-out = just like it sounds, refusal to visit or interact
Grey rock = neutral responses with no information given
These are all terms used in the “Just No” subreddits for dealing with toxic family members.
I didn't say it was necessarily suspicious, but having windows makes it crystal clear that nothing is happening.
No.
He's not ready, and you know he can't/won't give you what you want… Why set yourself up for heartache? Being on someone's hook is more trouble than it's worth, even if they're on your hook, too. Keep him as your friend if you want, but I recommend cultivating some emotional distance. Situationships are supposed to be fun and/or naked, and this one is neither. Do you think your friendship will survive without the possibility of sex (honest question, not trying to be a dick)? Will he still meet you where you need him? If so, he's a good friend worth keeping. If not, you've got a surefire answer to how much energy to give him.
Don't put all your eggs in a non-committal basket. You're young. Focus on yourself, examine what you want, and don't lower the bar for scraps.
If you were on Reddit and somebody else posted this, what would you tell them? If this was a friend's relationship, what would you hope they do? Pretty sure you already know the right thing to do here and just need reassurance; understandably so since he's been emotionally jerking you around and causing self doubt.
YOU shut up. You are totally of topic and trolling along this thread all the time!
Right, but let's say with the bday, you said he might go out with others instead. Would you be invited to this alternative?
What don't you understand about no pets? He can come to your place right? You are annoying as hell .
Get a prenup regardless. Everyone should, even if their soon to be spouse isn't a predator.
It's very simple, if you want to be married and he doesn't he NEVER will make it a reality. With that said, I would simply approach him and give him a date of when you would like to get married. Ask him point blank if that time works for him, and give him time to think about it. If he still doesn't have an answer explain to him that marriage is important to you and you won't stay in the relationship if marriage is not part of the plan. Give him time to think again about the conversation and approach the topic once more.
If he cannot give you a clear date of when he will marry you, and again I said MARRY not propose, walk away. The reality of the situation is that if it isn't a yes it is a no.
Also, I would suggest having stronger boundaries. It'll help you in the future. Stick to your first answer, and don't let others pressure you.
Did you check the expiry date? Maybe they’re super old?
I told him that was exhausting and I’d rather just not finish my lessons. He said “okay” and that was that, he went on to play his THIRTY WEEKS of bowling, never missing a single one, no matter how much he was needed at home on a given week.
I don't think you should have caved on this. His proposal did not work with your schedule, you should have held your ground and said that you were going to continue with the lessons until they were done and that he would need to continue handling childcare during those times. You need to stand up for yourself and your NEEDS to him more. Assert your right to your recreation and relaxation, because he's obviously either oblivious or doesn't care about what you need. You should both get hobby time, once a week might be too much. Maybe you both find something you can do every two weeks and alternate. But this situation isn't viable. A weekly nanny will put a bandaid on it but honestly I doubt it's a long-term solution.
I think your schedule sounds unsustainable. I know it's really difficult to justify losing $40k+ or more in a year to either childcare or quitting your work, but you are pulling triple shifts and you are going to burn out. Personally, I think you should consider going back to a more regular full time 9-5 and do your best to climb up the ladder so you can earn more. And pay for the childcare. The loss of the money is worth what you would gain back in time, relaxation, and probably work opportunities. You have sacrificed too much and that's not good for anyone in the family. A fully burnt out mom can sometimes be unable to work or be a childcare provider. You and your husband should sacrifice the money for childcare together. It's a naked pill to swallow but it would only be for 2-3 more years until your youngest is in kindergarten.
If you forget his birthday, would he be upset? If he does get upset, then the whole “birthdays are just not a big deal” is a lie and he’s just being selfish.
If he doesn’t get upset, then maybe you have to decide if you’re willing to settle with someone who will never take your birthday seriously and that you never have to make a big deal out of his birthday either.
Most of Reddit doesn’t leave the basement. There’s no way they’d know.
Mortgage alone can be 4k.
Yep! That’s kind of what I’m a bit considerate about… Was thinking about inviting him somewhere casual yet specific, like a drink at some bar, buuuut he doesn’t drink
so his mom told u this? are u sure he actually said this to her and she wasnt lying to try and manipulate your relationship and assert herself as the more important woman in his life?
Then he's taken videos of you before.
Honey, I get that it's nude to reconcile that the man you're seeing could hurt you this way, but he did.
What you just said makes it likely he's done it before. You are not safe with this person, he just proved that to you.
Why didn't he tell you last night about the video?
How did you two meet?
Happy cake day
Are you working minimum wage jobs or part-time? What about disability if that's why you're limited, which I believe is offset by your income.
You could learn about geology and know how to identify the crystals and their practical applications.
Even if to her it's like a religion, there are people who study religion from an academic approach.
He wouldn't have continued to talk to her if he weren't willing. I mean, who wants to hang out with a teenager in high school when you're 30 years old? He didn't want to be her friend. He just wanted a little time to get comfortable with dating her. And then he did.
At your age, if you talked to a guy on-line who turned out to be 18 and in high school, wouldn't you just say no, absolutely not, and block? I would.
Because she's emotionally cheated on me 3 times now.
Y’all are thick, she only agreed to a nap so you could get into bed together for spoiler not sleep.
Anyways, you aren’t obligated to have sex but your partner was looking for something- sex/connection/validation, etc and instead faced rejection. Is this the first or only time this has happened? or is it common for her needs to feel unmet? Are you fucking?? I’m not saying it’s right but when she cheats/leaves, this will have been a major contributor
He’s being charming and you reject him and he’s frustrated and a little hurt. Both of you have somewhat unrealistic expectations here. How do you feel when he rejects you? ( I’m not specifically talking sex here, but when you do something you think he will like and he is not appreciative). Is he being a sook? Yeah , the silent treatment is juvenile. You two need to learn to communicate effectively. Your being too tired is real life but you should be upfront and tell him you are exhausted and no joy later. I suspect you are not too tired to enjoy the attention until it gets to the sex.
OP, this guy is simply not worthy of you! You recalled a relatively insignificant comment and tried to make it a reality and he thought it stupid? What’s stupid is you trying to please this guy. Ain’t gonna happen no matter how naked you try. I’m going to suggest you muster up your strength and toss this deadweight to the curb asap. You need to respect yourself, love yourself, and find a nice guy that really cares for and appreciates you.
I already did. Doubt she will, but her being a doormat doesn't change that he's the main problem here.
You are a broken person. Your husband hasn't used porn in over 3 years, but you're still super insecure and refuse to open yourself to the man that loves you. Maybe you shouldn't be giving advice here.
Yeah this is exactly the chick that weaponizes mental health and tells OP she's gonna hurt herself if he leaves. OP get away now!
You keep being dismissive of her feelings. You keep insisting it’s such a small thing she should get over. And you put the “pain” you felt and you “grovelling at her feet” above her feelings. Why are your feelings the ones that take precedence here? Because you decided it?
It obviously matters to her. So deal with that. She probably does not like porn. It’s a normal boundary in many relationships. And she’s probably having a hard time talking about it because you keep making this about you by crying, and because you obviously expect her to shut up and move on.
Does your coworker reciprocate this in any way? It sounds like you’re pining for her and give no information on her knowing or feeling similarly. But outside of that, relationships take work after so long to stay tuned in and excited. It’s easy to get complacent and lose track of excitement, and it takes active effort to get it back and maintain it. Ultimately do what’s best for you, take the gamble or don’t but staying with your girlfriend won’t solve the issues you’re having if you’re actively thinking about being with someone else and how much better it’ll be with them. The grass is always greener on the other side, so consider watering the grass where you are and then make a decision based on that.
Does your coworker reciprocate this in any way? It sounds like you’re pining for her and give no information on her knowing or feeling similarly. But outside of that, relationships take work after so long to stay tuned in and excited. It’s easy to get complacent and lose track of excitement, and it takes active effort to get it back and maintain it. Ultimately do what’s best for you, take the gamble or don’t but staying with your girlfriend won’t solve the issues you’re having if you’re actively thinking about being with someone else and how much better it’ll be with them. The grass is always greener on the other side, so consider watering the grass where you are and then make a decision based on that.
How did she lie? He never asked the question. She withheld information that was technically none of his business.
Stop fucking your wife. I’m assuming that any alimony and child support isn’t going to be enough for her to live on even if she got a regular job. Whatever you two have going on is transactional and unless you’re happy with that, you need to end it. Also, it’s none of her business what your dating life looks like so why even share it with her? It’s giving you trying to make her jealous vibes. Let her go so she can find someone who’s happy with the way she is and you go do the same.
So what if he likes photos. So what .
I don't think folk deserve 'one chance' as such, I wouldn't have given your bf a second shot. When people do something and get away with it they'll do it again.
That said, you didn't cheat so much as get SA'ed and then f*** up dealing with it, which is not really your fault, it's never easy in any case and certainly not here.
If you want things with your bf to work out you can try writing this to him, more or less as you put it here, if he can't see this for what it is, he's not worth keeping.
Either way though this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship, if this doesn't work out it really won't be the end of the world, might feel like it, but it won't be.
If it does, try and take some time to process before rushing into something else, you've had a rough time and don't want to carry bad habits forward.
Pack her stuff for her and dump it out side the door, tell her she better come get her stuff before someone takes it.
Stop being to nice to her, she sounds like an idiot.
Clearly her ex had the same issue with John, he sounds like a jealous kid that when someone plays with there toy.
After you tell her to come get her stuff block her
Pack her stuff for her and dump it out side the door, tell her she better come get her stuff before someone takes it.
Stop being to nice to her, she sounds like an idiot.
Clearly her ex had the same issue with John, he sounds like a jealous kid that when someone plays with there toy.
After you tell her to come get her stuff block her
I'm 38 and grew up sharing food. Like one neighbor had a half of ham their family wasn't going to finish and we would end up with it. My mom made an extra large pan of lasagna. We had over half still left a couple days later and it would end up with a different neighborhood family.
My grandfather worked for the county health department – his job was literally inspecting restaurants for food quality and safe handling procedures. My aunt worked in thw food service industry my entire life, and she had a boyfriend who owned a small family friendly restaurant. So we were all well versed in food safety.
Because of that, I personally don't see that big of a problem with the ham issue. Especially if it is a neighbor your in laws know and trust. However, if you are questioning the safety of it at all – well then just don't serve it.
Hiwever, I don't think your in laws shating the ham with you is indicative of cognitive decline or a greater health issue. It's more likely coming from a place of not wasting food and making every little bit count. Calling their doctor, or trying to make a bigher issue over this, is really not neccessary.
Just a simple “Thank you so much for thinking of our holiday meal when your neighbor offered you their ham. I am pretty concerned about food safety in general, and while I trust you, I just am not comfortable receiving food items from someone I don't personally know. I think an easy way for you to make sure the ham gets used, and for me to not dwell on my safety concerns, is for you to use it for meals at your house!”. Problem solved.
No, I get it. I've yet to meet a man who understands the concept. I don't expect you to either. Kids come first, always. Sometimes that means you have to support your kids' support system, too. You don't have kids, so I'm not going to waste time trying to convince you what good parenting looks like.
I thought the same thing. I wouldn't trust the guy, at all. He's already proven to be a bully, and he's going to want that parting shot. OP shouldn't give him the chance.
OK so do share that with the attorney but I don't think it is going to be particularly helpful. I do not agree with what he is doing but it does not sound like it will rise to the level of abuse.
Are your parents named Martin?
Yeah, I hear you. I’m torn. I’m fully remote as well and have had to travel around the US for company events. The difference is that I have invited her even though my company wouldn’t pay for it. I was willing to pay out of pocket for her flights and another hotel.
You are probably right. You guys haven't had sex in how long? It would be different if she was always like this forever…but you know that's not true. She is a sexual person but hasn't been sexual with you for months? I would assume she is already or has cheated, and wants permission so she doesn't have to feel guilty.
Don't let her walk all over you. If she isn't going to be sexual with you, why wouldn't you consider a divorce or opening up the relationship? She's taking advantage of your love and then looking elsewhere too? Even this disattachment style of sex just sounds like an excuse a cheater would have ready to go.
👋
Been there, done that and it did NOT go well, so feel free to take my bias with a pinch of salt. You're still quite young, this relationship is so new, and you clearly have concerns about taking such a big step. One thing I'd flag is that if you're going for a visa, it isn't a case of just getting the marriage on paper and then continuing with your relationship as before. You need paperwork to back that up, so you'll be mingling finances, getting both of you on the rental agreement, a shared phone contract etc. You'll be scrambling to make sure you've got enough evidence to document the marriage, especially with such a short history together, which means jumping straight to completely entangled your lives.
So you don't like it, and he's doing nothing about it…. You're young, go find someone less smelly that you're not bothered about.
Why are your liking other women’s photos on social media when you have a girlfriend to begin with…? She had every right to be upset at that. Sounds like you’re just not ready for a committed relationship.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
I (F36) have always felt like I’m much much more invested in my relationship than my boyfriend (M33) is.
We’ve been dating for just over a year. He is a workaholic and also very keen on having his own “me” time. I’m the same most of the time, however, I have expressed frustration at times that we don’t see each other more often and that we never really do anything together except have dinner once or sometimes twice a week. He will seldom stay over and when he does stay over, he will be out of my front door before 7 am the next morning to go work on his hobby projects. I barely ever see him in the daytime. In general, I’ve always felt like I’m putting 10x more time and effort into the relationship than he does (stupid I know). If there is a crisis of any sort, you can trust him to completely disappear.
For obvious reasons, I’ve totally given up on the idea that this will ever become a serious relationship. The situation actually suits me great, because (as of the past six months or so) I suddenly have a lot of stuff going on in my life, meaning I don’t really have much time for a “full on” relationship anyway. In other words, I am quite happy to doddle along in this not-quite-relationship for now.
Anyway, a couple of days ago, out of the blue, he totally lost his sh*t with me because I haven’t begged for him for marriage and children?! Apparently getting married and having children is now a must have for him and it needs to happen ASAP?!?
I asked him why he has had a change of heart to make this relationship serious all of a sudden. He got really offended saying he thought it was always serious?! To be clear, I have to basically beg to see him for even an hour a week and now he is angry that I haven’t suggested marriage and kids to him??
TLDR; BF puts almost zero effort and time into relationship and I barely ever see him, but now suddenly wants marriage and kids. And he is angry that I haven’t “asked for it yet”.
Should I just run? It feels like I’m being manipulated somehow, but not sure why or how.
Why the fuck are you doing all this extra work? Best case she's a liar. Worse case she's a cheater.
See a lawyer. Respect yourself, especially when the other people in your life don't.
I am a really creepy dude, perverted even,
and this really creeps me out.
Is there any men here that could explain this type of behavior?
Ya your boyfriend is so fucking weird, he wants to jerk off to a photo, of someone close to you, a lot, on a regular basis. so when he see's them he secretly knows he defiled them recently and often. worse the jerking off, he wants to frame the photo, like some weird serial murder vibes. This is going to be a Netflix special I know it.
Take the job
She was very angry at me for leaving
She was angry at OP for leaving? I mean yeah she was 15, but what high horse does she get to be casting moral judgements from ffs? SHE KEPT THE TRUTH FROM HER SISTER. Family like that are no family at all.
Women and men are 10000% capable of having platonic friendships. I have many. I don’t think about them when I jerk off, I don’t lust after them, I can say they are objectively attractive but I am not attracted to them, and the issue of sex/gender never once comes into play.
That being said, there’s maybe 3 or 4 that are absolutely in no uncertain terms like sisters. And by that I mean I am completely and willfully ignorant of their sexuality. For most of the others, I am aware of the fact they have their own sexuality, it just has no bearing on OUR relationship. For example, neutral platonic friend is telling me about her sex life in detail, we are laughing about it or swapping advice about it or just shooting the shit about it as friends may or may not do regardless of gender. But with that comes the recognition that yes, you do have sexuality, you are the owner of that. And with that there is a piece of knowledge that yes, you are a heterosexual/bisexual woman with a libido and I am a man with the same but that has no bearing on the framework of our relationship. Despite our genders what makes us connect is personality and mutual interest/trust, and not predicated on attraction, sex, or gender. However, if we were one of the last couples on earth and needed to reproduce to save humanity, yes, our sexual parts can do that.
Then there are the platonic friends that are like sisters. Maybe people you were raised with, or people you’ve shared such deep life experiences with it has superseded any notion of gender. They are completely asexual in perspective. You talk about your sex life furtively and sideways. Dancing around topics with implications if you need to get a point across.
Regardless, of how you frame it, men and women can be friends.
Weird comment to end on but the new dungeons and dragons movie, two of the lead rolls have a platonic friendship and I turned to my fiancé in the theater and said “yes! Male female platonic friendship! Normalize it!” And she was like wow you’re right! It’s just something you don’t see often in movies.
Yeah, you know something on a subconscious level. You don't really want to be with him anymore.
Yes he did. Telling a woman she’s loose is just as insulting and demeaning as telling a man he is small. Stop giving him the benefit of any doubt because unless he legitimately was raised under a rock and just crawled out last week, he knows this. He said it to you so you’d feel bad. Literally no other reason.
What was the “real plan” when letting girl crash over? Who knows? I strongly suspect best case he wasn’t sure, worst case he hoped to smash.
Regardless, this is dumb and she deserves better.
Show your gf the text. And maybe the gf should tell the mom that she should mind her own business.
I saw this too!!
This is where you break up with him and say “newsflash, buddy: this is a dealbreaker for many women and I am not willing to waste my time teaching you to be less gross, but I hope this will be a wake up call for you because taking care of yourself will make you more attractive to future partners. Good luck with that and WASH YOUR FUCKING ASS.”
Unless you’re sure you can do this alone – don’t proceed with it. It’s a long and lonely road, a very rewarding one definitely, but you will be walking it alone.
That’s the big thing you need to decide – whether you want to be a parent or not.
Regardless of what you choose, I feel this relationship is over either way. I’m sorry.
Are you serious? What is marriage to you? I swear, people on reddit think being married is just being single while some lives with you. If you are married you have to take your partners concerns into consideration, and unless you have no respect for your partner, you shouldn't be in contact with your ex behind your partners back.
Also if the financial planner starts to try and sell you life insurance, walk out immediately (or at least, say you’ll think about and never go back). That person is an insurance salesman, not a financial planner.
How much time do you spend with your girlfriend?
Well, depression IS a health issue. But pregnancy doesn't help with depression, it makes it way, way worse. The hormonal imbalances that need to occur during the formation of a whole new human, can cause a number of issues to the pregnant person, including damaging their mental health, and this is even in cases when the person wasn't depressed before. And let's not even get started on PPD… that can happen to people that were not depressed before the pregnancy
I would just consider what you described to be dating/talking
Lol wtf did i just read. No girl dont marry someone you “like and enjoy spending time with” you marry someone you genuinely love and cant live without.
Does he masturbate and watch porn?
I just went through this exact scenario with my best friend. I told her. It was the hardest day, but she needed to know. All you can do is give her the information. What she does with it after that is up to her.
Yes but her coworker/other friend had conversations with that friends husband so he’s definitely on there. It’s not just an account circulating with no activity, he’s actively talking to at-least 1 person.
If he is being honest, he told you a philosophical statement. He eventually sees himself settling down (maybe 10 years from now ). The point is that it may not have anything to do with you.
He is also honest about, ” just got out of something so I am reluctant to jump back in”
The point really is that most men are ready to settle down depending on the girl. For instance, if a millionaire celebrity supermodel met them and wanted immediately want to get married, most would do it.
The secret is that he may not want to marry you, depends on how he sees you.
Break up. My ex was like this and he gave me loads of sexual trauma. Get out; you don’t need any more pain in your sex life.
his behavior is fishy but it's not about ex's. for reference I still (occasionally) email my ex, and my SO works with hers. so that in itself isn't (or at least doesn't need to be) a huge warning flag. evasive behavior however, that's a red flag, watch for potential gaslighting.
Nope, absolutely not. He doesn’t get to berate you for not texting him back after 30 minutes when you already told him that you were falling asleep. You describe your actions as “begging him to be nice.” If someone truly cares about you, you would never have to beg them to be nice to you. That is not love.
First off, don't move to another country for a man you don't even know. Second, he's being at minimum an ah. Third, this is an live relationship, and it somehow is already toxic. You should probably stop putting up with this.
Something important to keep in mind is that unless the brother decides to become more independent, and it's not clear that he even wants to, this will not be a temporary thing. This will be the rest of your lives. A permanent third person in a household is a lot even for married adults to handle.
There are no bad guys in this story either way. (I was a little upset with the parents for not considering assistance or encouraging independence but after you added some context for that I get it.) Your boyfriend wants to do right by his brother, and you're worried about what this major change in living circumstances will mean for the two of you. Both completely reasonable positions. No matter what you decide about this it's valid, including if you decide it's too much to handle and break up.
If I were going to suggest a compromise here it might be something along the lines of: “This can't be open-ended, there has to be an expiration date on the arrangement. Maybe he can on-line with us for X length of time provided he is using Y resources/classes/whatever to learn about his options for independent living with a plan to move out by Z date.” That date doesn't have to be set in stone but you're really going to want to make it as firm as possible if you go this route. A nebulous time frame means eventually one of the three of you is not going to be on the same page as the others on when it should end, which leads to disagreements and chaos and the potential for hurt feelings. The more ironed out you have the details at the beginning the smoother everything will go.
The boyfriend mechanic gets out her toolbox.
If he wants to last longer, he should try going down on you when he’s getting close. Gives him a chance to cool down and helps to ensure you’re finishing as often as he is
I don’t use apps anymore. I’ll pass on that notion.
Early 20s? Got it.
Mid-late 20s? Okay but what if she IS looking for someone to hook up with?
I do have a lot of trauma to unpack that I have been processing the past 4 years. I made a MASSIVE mistake along the way that put my into psychosis unfortunately I think that’s why I am having to constantly review information in my head like as if I am prepping for a final.
I’ve been in therapy since elementary school.
1) yes 2) working on it 3) yes I have hobbies and I actually can provide plenty of value
The uprooting thing is something she mentioned as a concern in a previous conversation, before I found out about this. When I thought it was other issues that we could work through.
Why don’t you just break up with him if you’re not feeling this relationship anymore? What’s the point?
You are 30 years old.
My dude, stop guessing and just use your words.
If you can’t talk about intimacy, you have no business trying to be in a relationship.
Can't you order viagra on-line?
And OP better get an STD test
If you can't trust her, she'll violate your privacy and over something which she'll then also lie about having deleted……well why are you even still with her?
This is why folks don't use diaries anymore.
I think you should confront her and maybe even show screenshots of this- embarrassment will make her cower I’m sure
I want to start with saying that the guy I’m in a relationship has also been involved with criminal activities and has been charged, so trust me I don’t judge you.
But this is not worth it. End it. This will follow him his entire life, and yours too if you keep dating him. It’s only been a month and you are only 18. Don’t think there aren’t more guys out there who can treat you good. There are many.
You say you have already been through a messy break up. You are only 18. Take it slow!
You didn’t ask me the question, but ima put in my two cents anyway. Happiness and stability aren’t the right terms, as in so many of these situations (including this one) the questioning party is actively unhappy, and often the stability isn’t there either unless you just count “I have a boyfriend” as stability. It’s partly an ego/status thing, especially for women—being partnered is considered vital to how valuable you are in general, even if your partner sucks. People don’t know how to entertain themselves so they’d rather spend time with someone else, even if that time is unpleasant. Etc etc
bad timing for sure. i guess im mostly disappointed because this is someone i really saw potential in, and im so tired of dating. guess i was too comfortable. still havent heard from him. and his bday is this weekend, we were supposed to do something. oh well.
Listen she’s telling you and showing you that this is normal for her and she will continue to do it. Now it’s up to you to figure is this is what you want and if this is something you want to deal with. You can’t force her to cut it off she needs to want to do that on her own. But know this will be your life, if you are okay with it then stay if not then leave. It’s been 2 years and she hasn’t and isn’t going to change.
So this is fake. The poster can’t even come back and answer a couple questions to concerned people. What a creepy fantasy.
Trafficking or not, one way or another, she's going to get gotten had sex with if she goes on this trip.
Literally, what part of that was mean.
Kachow
If both careers are equal, then which one is more stable? Serious questions: think about children. Which one of you is going to sacrifice their career progression to raise them and be there for emergencies?
You should dump him and take everything in divorce; except for toothpaste.
You should dump him and take everything in divorce; except for toothpaste.
Tell your husband to smoke in a more discreet area far away from where the smell can reach your house.
Why did no stop? What changed?
Cranberry juice is your best friend. Also sounds like he just isn’t educated about UTIs and may need to hear it from someone else. Is it possible for him to go to the appointment with you that way you both can be educated by a medical professional and the information isn’t coming from you.
I think the red flag is how upset you are about it (ie showing that you don’t trust him, that’s a bad sign and you should pay attention to it). There’s nothing inherently wrong with spending loads of time with coworkers of the opposite sex. 99% of my coworkers are male, we go out for drinks frequently and my boyfriend has never cared ever bc he trusts me and we have established that etc. so I don’t think it’s the situation occurring as much as your bf showing himself to be untrustworthy/you should pay attention to your feelings about that bc that’s a bad sign.
I would never marry a man who couldn’t fulfil his role as a provider, perhaps we follow different cultures. I don’t ever want to be anyone’s room mate, 50/50 benefits men far too much for me to ever join