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AuroraPanther Public Chat Channel
Date: January 21, 2023
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I have misread what you wrote. I assumed you were curious about the why she left . If you are moving on, with time you will forget about it.
I mean, I'd rather fix this with her. From my understanding, I should wait until she's ready to talk to me. Is that the best move?
You've already caught him in verifiable lies. The rest MIGHT be true, but, since he's lied about other things you've verified, who knows? Right?
If you're asking should you stay or run? Run. If he lies now to you, he'll lie to you in the future about other things.
It's not something he has to accept for it to be official.
Tell him.
Also, since he's being a certain way about it let your friends and family know what's going on.
I would start with a few things: – domestic violence is serious, and the effects on your children, no matter how small, have serious long-term effects on their development and well-being. Even just as by-standers. This is an escalation that could be a pattern or perhaps it’s just recently become an issue. Regardless, a firm boundary needs to be set immediately. You remove yourself and the children from the situation and you call for emergency support if threats of harm to themselves or you or your children are uttered. – the other thing is, parenting and navigating relationships is extremely stressful. It’s human to sometimes overreact and feel regretful and make apologies. However, apologies are absolutely meaningless without changed behaviour. That’s your new standard – changed behaviour or you’re prepared to do what’s necessary to keep you and your children safe if they are experiencing such severe behavioural issues that they cannot control themselves and are resorting to physical and verbal abuse to manipulate and control you. That’s not fair and it’s not healthy. – Further, you’re not a jerk, you sound like you care but you’re scared. But honour your limitations, you can only offer so much support without compromising your own health and safety. Be mindful – set boundaries – offer options to improve things but do not give in to threats.
So, given that this has happened, you need a safety plan in place. This has many benefits, I’ll do my best to walk you through it: – Do you have a trusted friend or family member you can stay with and take your kids? Call them, explain what’s happening, you need a place to cool down and get space so you can make a clear plan for safety. Ask for specific, tangible support. Ex. “Can I come by for a few hours or overnight to chat and make a safety plan? I need to be somewhere safe with the children right now”. – If friends and family aren’t an option, reach out to a local domestic violence shelter, or the emergency child protection line in your area. Take yourself and your kids to safety if possible, if not call 911. Explain what’s going on, and request their support. This has the benefit of demonstrating your capacity as a parent to keep your children safe. It’s also an opportunity to connect services to your partner in crisis who isn’t in the head space to listen to you and is actively abusing you.
Building a support network is crucial for anyone, but especially for someone experiencing domestic violence, and especially for parents! People down play abuse all the time. ”It was just an argument that got out of hand and I lost control.” However, one mistake like this can change your life in a split second. Someone can get hurt, really hurt and this can all be avoided with good safety planning skills, not being afraid to reach out for help, strengthening your support network, and remembering you have to take care of yourself to be there for your children.
I wish you the best and I hope you can call someone tonight and let them know what’s going on. Try not to focus on vilifying your partner, focus on keeping you and your children safe, creating a calm safe space to decompress, and be vulnerable so you can find enough clarity to start building security on your own away from your partner for the time being until the respect your boundaries and demonstrate regret by putting it into action and taking care of themselves to prevent something like this from ever happening again. They don’t sound like they’re okay, they need compassion too for whatever stress is causing them to breakdown but violence and verbal abuse is never okay.
I agree with you up to a point but the way you respond is WHY many people in the autistic community hate people who are consider neurotypical.
The way you are addressing things is why I personally see in the Autism reddits groups so many hate people who are NT based on the snap judgements and quick size up of another person with Autism without understand why they are the way they are.
If you don’t believe me? Seriously, go look in the autism groups and type in the search bar neurotypical.
If he loved you enough he’s feel a deep need to make you his life partner, ie, marry you, so that nobody else gets the chance.
This whole “not believing in marriage” thing is what cowards say when they want to string someone along hoping they’ll fall for them “eventually”. If he’s worried you’ll take him to the cleaners in a divorce, that’s not an excuse because prenups exist.
I know so many people who “didn’t believe in marriage” who ended up getting married when they met the “right person”.
He’s just not that into you, but he likes something about you enough to hope that eventually his feelings will come. They won’t. That’s not generally how it works.
Shit or get off the pot.
Sorry that hurts but I left an ex partly for that reason and regret nothing. I got some info later that provided important context for his inertia and regret it even less now. Sunken cost is only gonna get worse the longer you wait.
Half the stories on here are fiction, honestly.
You did what you had to do to keep yourself safe. This guy has proven he’s dangerous and doesn’t care about your boundaries.
You probably have enough comments telling what you did is horrible and low, which is undeniable. If you happened to read this comment, personally I don’t think it means your relationship is beyond saving. People make mistakes, say things they don’t mean, especially while inebriated. While it doesn’t make the action ok, I don’t think you did something irredeemable.
However it is also very fair for your SO to be incredibly hurt by what you did. Apologize, own up to what you did, don’t try to excuse it but you can explain that you didn’t mean it to let her know this isn’t some deep seated feeling you have for her. After that, let her decide what to do from there. If she breaks it off, then let it run its course. If she decides to continue, have a deep discussion to sort out what to do from here on out and work towards gaining back her trust and not doing that again. But you have to give her some space and time.
Good luck.
I think you need to find someone else who fits you better. Its obvious you have deeply held beliefs that, while he shares most of them, he doesn't share them in the way you do. You might be able to discuss this with him, you might not, but I certainly don't think you value his connection to his father the way he does and that is a problem for sure. There is at least one major value that you differ on in such a way that it will cause conflict.
You are not responsible for how others act towards you. If the guy makes you uncomfortable you can do something about it, not for your bf sake but for yours. The simplest way is probably to just mention your boyfriend, either to him or at a time when he can overhear.
Could you please elaborate?
thanks for your advice!
Yes he did it without telling me. He told me after applying, but he said: he just wanted to 'test' if he would get it. He thought he would not. When he heart he got it, he came to me and asked me what I wanted and what he needed to do. But for me it was already to late to because I will be the 'bad' person who forbid my boyfriend to pursue a PhD. Besides that I could not on-line with myself, If I would ask someone to drop what chance.
I just wished he would have talked about it beforehand, then I also could change my plans maybe and find a solution together. I think he thought that I would change my mind about this city and still would stay and would just accept any lower level job, because I'm nice person and I want the best for people around me.
uhh… don’t? you clearly aren’t into it
I was just splitting it into minutes/days ratio what he could play. Yeah the game is 90 minutes long and it's not an unreasonable amount to play if he is only playing one game.
So I started experiencing some weird brain issues involving my appearance around covid. I got so body neutral I lost the ability to properly perceive myself. I’ve mitigated it a lot by dressing exactly how I wanted to, which is oddly, but I unbelievably fun. My friends, partners, family, and even strangers have been so unbelievably supportive. I would not choose to be around people who thought so lowly of something that made me feel safe and happy. It can be so freeing to be yourself, don’t let some lame dude stop you from pursing what makes you happy
Speaking of feet, this is all apparently because OP hurt his foot a little playing basketball barefoot eleven days ago. Puts things into a lot more context, doesn't it.
This is the exact same comment written verbatim elsewhere with the qualifier of “my brother”. Sounds like you’re a robot or your brother maybe here.
He used you.
To him you are just the next step above jerking off on porn hub.
You're disposable to him.
In five years he wont be able to remember your name.
… our conflict/resolution hasn’t been great lately.
Howso?
We're getting basically zero context for anything and it just comes across like he's a rage monster. You've been together 8 years and you don't mention abuse of any kind, so this hitting his car and screaming thing, is it a one off or is it common?
I would wonder if the reason OP is being mildly passive aggressive here is out of fear of his reaction if she tries to bring it up. If she'd told him doing his laundry was too much for her, what would his reaction have been? He sounds like a scary dude and OP is already doing the majority of the housework.
If you continue your marriage, Amanda needs to leave the position of BFF. It’s only then that you’ll see your wife’s true feelings towards Amanda.
Ha! Please leave your fiancé, you don’t deserve to be married. Coming to Reddit to ask about that…. And now I’m done with the internet today
My 14th wedding anniversary is coming up this week. My husband and I have had our share of disagreements and even arguments over the years. He has never once called me a name. He has never once told me to “shut up” let alone “shut tf up.” He's literally never even sworn at me in an argument. Don't you think you deserve someone that treats you with basic human kindness?
Agree, your parents should hear about this from you but take care of your own “house” first. With your Attorney’s guidance, deal with your marriage/divorce and your wife first. Then you can explain how you have this handled, with a plan, to your parents.
He has cheated before? He is showing red flags. Why are you with him?
Yeah he really flew too close to the sun with that comment.