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Ela, 23 y.o.
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Date: September 19, 2022
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Did you give him an ultimatum yet ,what did he say? Please update
I’m older than him (and have lived in several places in the US) and have never been in a situation where I wished I’d had a gun. Felt scared? Sure. Wished I’d had a gun within reach, nope. Him feeling the need to have it at all is what’s unsettling.
Yeah nah. What a revolting attitude towards someone who has already disclosed more than enough medical info, has stated she is in danger, and is in an abusive relationship.
Everyone yells from time to time. You don't have to feel bad just because you do it *sometimes. What he does on the other hand is use you as an outlet to take his frustrations out on, and not in a “I just need to rant about what happened at work today” kinda way that everyone does. But in an unhealthy “I'm gonna use my partner as an emotional punching bag” kinda way. And it will only get worse without help.
You were right to give him the ultimatum. Follow through with it OP.
I mean, you gotta look out for yourself. Shady people and alcohol are both things that can cause a lot of anxiety, so it could be either..has she done anything like this before? To you or to any of her friends?
If you are wanting to still be in a relationship with her maybe try hanging out with her sober a couple of times and see if you get the same shady vibe?
If you don't want to be in a relationship with her, then just break up with her. You don't need a reason other than 'i don't want to anymore'.
And then your children who are half siblings but don’t know each other meet, procreate and create inbred offspring?
The excuses are ridiculous. There is literally no research evidence behind your claim, its just something yall say to get away with doing whatever you want regardless the feelings of people around you.
That would make me uncomfortable for sure. You messed up but this shouldn’t be a dealbreaker
Switch genders and they’d be calling op some kinda abuser and that the partner should dump him on the spot. They’d say coke a police report and one time isn’t one time because it could happen again.
This is very much not yours to solve.
That said- I would reach out to Laura. Tell her that you understand you are not being replaced. While you were initially surprised and a little confused that she would want to name her child after you, you are of course flattered. (You can still be pissed at your Dad, as a separate feeling from how you feel about Laura and the kid.)
85% chance they'll name the kid something else. Particularly if you take every opportunity going forward to refer to 'Little Lilly' or 'Lilly Junior'.
Sounds like she’s just a big talker and texter. She’s using text like an instant messenger.
You can start being polite, but firm that you are busy or have other things going on where you won’t be able to text back quickly.
Something like “Hey! It was so great seeing you today. I have something going on now, so I won’t be able to text back quickly. Can we pick this up tomorrow?”
If this tactic doesn’t work, you might just have to sit her down and gently explain that the texting is getting a bit much for you. You can be honest and let her know that this has nothing to do with the friendship itself or your feelings for her, but just that you personally feel like it’s too much texting on your end, and that you want to make sure she won’t take it personally if you don’t text back quickly or a lot.
Yeah, that is not good kiddo. You can obviously feel that the relationship is not right, unfortunately sometimes it takes a while to know it – and then longer to act on it. My advice besides dropping his ass, go out and have some fun with friends. Remember what life can be like without him
It’s not something I planned on doing
I would have ended it at “suck my dick” in an argument. That just shows how immature he is, that's not how caring partners speak to each other, even in an argument…
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It isn't, they use it as an excuse to “explore” when in reality they are cheating!
That all makes sense – and I think it is a problem. Right now you are basically in a relationship except you're not. I don't think that he gets to have that without agreeing to be in a real relationship. Whatever is lacking in terms of affection obviously works for him, so that stipulation feels manipulative and unfair.
Are you willing/able to give more detail about what sort of things he wants in terms of affection?
Not even good dick would convince me to stay there. Girl moooooooove. Get out of there! Your expectations were just listed and he meets none of them. You change your scene, your life will change for the better and you’ll eventually meet someone with higher standards that you want and desire. Do it for yourself or your life will quickly get worse.
You have been betrayed. Either by your friend and your wife or by your friend alone.
I don't beleive your friend or your wife for thst matter.
I'm sorry this happened.
Bro she's just racist
I only want to see her happy. And her distancing herself from me to be in a toxic situation just hurts my heart because she's such an amazing person.
Not at all, everyone should do absolutely whatever makes them happy.
Not at all, everyone should do absolutely whatever makes them happy.
This. How was it not a red flag?
If my math is right that means at 16/17 she hooked up with 2 exes before dating OP. That sounds like she wanted to settle in with OP more out of security than desire. So she tried to get them out of her system.
My current husband was always supposed to be rebound after a messy divorce. Before we made it official we even made jokes that I needed to go out and hook up before I got back into a serious relationship.
I tried multiple times. And I failed. I legitimately couldn’t even bring myself to have fun making out with someone at a club knowing my-then just a crush existed.
Finally said I don’t care if others think I need to play the field I know what I want. Been together almost 7 years married for 4.
Thank you for your response.
I've thought about couples counseling and I've told him how I felt, and every time I get waterworks and he tells me how much he loves me and that he can't do anything without me. But I am just really, really tired of putting in so much thought for him, because I've explained that birthdays and Christmas etc means a lot to me… one year my Christmas gift from him was 2 towels. I was so disappointed that I laugh-cried.
I just don't want to feel like I'm becoming like him, becoming “low effort” like him. He promised me he'd start therapy and he has, but it seems like most of the time he's there he spends his time defending his behavior or making me seem like I'm being unreasonable.
I don't even know if there's a point to couples therapy anymore. He couldn't even be bothered to go on dates with me and I feel like he doesn't care about romance in the slightest… it's just more complicated because we have a kid together. I just… I don't know what to do.
I’m autistic. Lol. He is not autistic. Strikes me as neurotypical , but OCD could be possible
The common suggestion is to suggest physical activities and cooking healthy meals together. That's all fine and good, but it doesn't work long term. The second hope is that he will want to change for himself and self-motivation will kick him into gear, but your story doesn't seem to fit that mold.
So, that leaves you with the terrible choice of suffering in silence or crafting a tactful way of sending the message that his weight concerns you. He will know what you're saying, but its unknowable whether it will push him towards depression or action. There's no right answer and there's certainly no easy path. Changing your lifestyle habits to lose weight and be healthier is a LONG process. He may lose a ton of weight only to gain it back once both of you are “comfortable” with his appearance again. He really does have to want it for himself, but there's no guaranteed way to get him there. If you're not willing to leave him over this, then at least be prepared to be unsatisfied with his results for awhile.
I’m a last semester law student engaged to a car salesman. Screw what they say.
So if you reverse the roles…a male lawyer and a stay at home wife who doesn't have the education, works a basic office job, but is an amazing person. Would your friends be suggesting that he should dump her? I doubt it.
If you can't figure out if you are being a superficial ass then maybe you aren't ready for a relationship.
What advice are you looking for?
lmao what a horrible take
Okay then we agree lol
It’s okay to be the bad guy to her in this situation.
You did the right thing. That doesn’t make it any less naked, and that doesn’t mean she needs to forgive you. You don’t need to be friends.
When she talks about you going forward, you’re going to be the bad guy. She needs you to be the bad guy to protect her ego. It doesn’t make you a bad guy.
Good luck.
AND MEN AND BOYS! Women should not be the only ones to bear this burden. HPV affects males, too!!!
Your lifestyle only works if it's ethical. You were not ethical at all. You lied to her, cheated on her and continually pressured her to do things she doesn't want to do. You are not living a “lifestyle”, you are a cheater who's wondering why your partner isn't comfortable with your cheating lifestyle.
You know she wants monogamy. You see the stress it causes her but you still keep pressuring her.
I came clean about most of everything and told her I'd stop completely to invest in our life together and that I wanted to be with her forever and tbh i hate it!
You are continually manipulating her. So you were “mostly” truthful about your cheating and then manipulatively told her you would invest in your life with her but you're already not invested and not intending to stop. Stop lying to her. Be honest. If she knew the truth she wouldn't want to be with you.
Are you OK with her having bfs and bringing guys into the bedroom? Encourage her to do that and not just what you want her to do. It would be very rare for a woman to want a weekly threesome to satisfy her selfish, crappy partner. Or better yet, break up with her. Once she is away from you for awhile she'll see how toxic you were for her. She's young and nieve now… but once she gets some distance she will be much happier without you. Soon you'll just be a bad traumatic memory of how shitty you treated her.
Around they fucked. Out they found.
Point 4 is your answer
Yea, the only way you can trust that it has truly ended is if you’ve heard from her that it has. His friends and parents could be either be lying or also have been lied to as well. The fact that she hasn’t moved out and that he refuses to let you two interact is super suspicious. I think you know this, it’s why you’re so bothered.
It's always “different” with “them” 🙁 Every freaking 19/20/30-year-old who dates a 30/40/60-year-old thinks they are SPECIAL and it may have ALL THE SINGS of the same issues we all know, but it's D I F F E R E N T w i t h t h e m.
Sorry but I be damned if I would go down on a “sex worker”. How do you know who or what has been there before you?
a 35yrs old woman doesn't do unplanned pregnancies, my friend. She knows exactly what she was doing – or not doing (birth control). To me you seem a bit naive.
Eitherway you have a type cause your wife will have her way. Let Amanda live her life, if she wants contact fine, if not also fine. Don't let your (ex-)wives and daughters continue to manipulate you.
what? he’s literally using her as a flesh prop to satisfy his fantasy of another woman through a screen. That is absolutely cheating. If that woman were right in front of him I’m pretty damn sure he’d give in to his temptations
“it's generally fine”
If it's tearing 1 in every ten times, no it isn't. If they have sex twice a week, it's happening approx once a month, every two months at most. I imagine it's actually more often. In what world is it generally fine for someone's penis to tear at that frequency? Have you ever had a laceration on your genitals?
Preach, friend. Wonderful response.
If she cheated on him with you. What makes you think she won't cheat on you? Like you now know she is a cheater and you stay. It would be your fault if she cheats on you.
keep the pooch, rehome the bf.
After going through something traumatic, I was also at my parents' place. If it helps, I established a boundary with them (I have a good relationship with my parents so unsure if this will work with you) — on some days, I would say 'please I just need comfort and support today, no advice.” Because parents sometimes try to jump in and help when really you're just processing everything. It's okay to breathe.
Why would she want her Lock Screen to be a blurred pic of her and another in the first place? She already lied to you once but her story doesn’t add up.
She says she’s in Theraoy, he should be also. They’re toxic together, at the moment, and it’s manifesting in hive. She also says it’s not due to the “hiccup” but this seems unlikely. It made it much worse.
Okey then I will let her go, and just hope everything turns out fine with her
So you don't want her to address him that way even if he's gay and not a threat to your relationship?
It's kinda crazy to me that no one has mentioned yet that it's been a week. Moving is very stressful and then being in a new house and immediately being confronted with projects while stressed out is extra stress on top of that.
You guys need to work on communication for sure, but I definitely wouldn't be so quick to say you are incompatible.
I would say that after moving in just a week ago and you apparently making constant demands of him in that time, you don't really have any idea what kind of routine might get settled into yet or how that will look.
Talk to each other and figure out where this is coming from. You guys should be on the same team, on the same page with things, you shouldn't need to keep asking him to do things at this point you should both have lists of goals you're trying to accomplish after the move and be doing those things independently and talking to each other about them.
If he's not already on that page with you, it feels like a big lapse in your communication and your goals as a couple here. Talking about the things you want to do and how you want to shape your living space is pretty important.
But when I want to hire an exterminator or fix a dryer or something and I need help from my wife, it's not me asking her to do things it's us both talking and sharing those responsibilities and figuring out who will be the best one to accomplish these mutual goals. And we work from there as a unit, not as one person who wants something done that tells the other to do it.
Also possibly the kids real dad.
I dated someone who used to try that, the whole aim of it was to make me feel insecure in the relationship and to feel like I had to walk on eggshells and couldn't ask him for too much or I'd lose him.
I left him, I prefer being with someone who won't use breaking up in disagreements to “win”.
Break up is the best choice. This coworker was important enough to hide and lie to you. Leave him. You can explain to him, that after his lies you can't trust him, and because he deleted their text you probably never could again.
If you find it difficult to leave him, and want to try to make it work, then first point is him quitting this job asap. He has fucked up, and this is the consequence. If he refuses, then this is how much he values your 7 years together. Leave him, there is no hope.
Even if he agrees you should still make it clear you don't know how long it would take for him to regain your trust. If he wants to stay with you he needs to accept years of suspicion, and insecurity from you. He needs to give you access to all his accounts, and not hold anything secret from you.
You know people can read your earlier responses, right? You can't fix this woman. She has no intention of changing herself, and the thought of doing that for you will never even occur to her. Stop pretending like you're in a good marriage, you're not. That woman is manipulative, selfish, or just plain in need of help that she refuses to find because she LIKES who she is. Should've taken that money you spent on the cruise and put it towards a divorce lawyer or mental health for yourself because those 2 options are the only way that money would've been well spent.
I always wonder why some women date/marry douchebags, then complain that their boyfriend/husband acts like a douche……
This is a dumpster fire. YOU and your life are a dumpster fire. These things happen in your life because you invite them in. You surround yourself with the type of people you are and you are so trashy. This is something out of Jerry Springer. For God’s sake you have a kid. Do better. Stop dating assholes and get your shit together. Go to therapy to figure out why your life is one big chaotic mess. Your kid deserves to be raised with good examples, you are not being a good example nor are you bringing good examples around them. If you act so horribly when you drink and can’t control yourself, well then it’s time to stop drinking, full stop, no ifs ands or buts about it. For fuck’s sake you’re 34 and he is 40. Both of you need to act your fucking age. You’ve only been with him for 6 months, you should still be in the honeymoon phase and this should be the peak of the relationship. You’re making your kid’s childhood a revolving door of crazy strangers coming and going. What is wrong with you? Your boyfriend is very abusive and you should dump him, but if you don’t fix your shit you’ll end up with another guy just like him and just like all the ones before him. I know for a fact you don’t have a roster of good men in your dating history, you’ve told me all I need to know to make an educated guess on that. Hide your important documents from him. See if you can go home sooner and leave him there that way you can get rid of all his shit and change the locks before he gets back. If you are truly in danger call the police. Contact the embassy should you lose your passport. But for the love of God get some therapy and stop dating until you have your shit fully together.
stay friends
Noooooooope
he won’t accommodate my request, despite the fact that he knows I’m a private and sensitive person – and a survivor. Instead, he says he just won’t tell me about these convos he has.
Yeah I would never let this guy touch me again either. Why do men think they can act like this and still have their partners be attracted to them? This kind of disrespect for you didn’t come out of nowhere. Who wants to have sex with a guy who refuses to treat you like a person?