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Date: September 21, 2022
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I experienced this. Turns out he was cheating the whole time. He would delete the really inappropriate ones or they would exchange a Dropbox account for pictures. Went on for years. We are now divorced.
Has she ever been diagnosed with severe anxiety? She may have literally had a severe panic attack and left. I've been with my hubby (not married, but I call him that, don't feel the need to have a piece of paper saying we're married) for 24 yrs and I told him if we ever DID decide to have a wedding and I didn't show up at the alter it's not because I don't love him or don't want to marry him. It's because I had a freaking panic attack and could not make myself go out in front of all those people whether I know them or not. He said it's fine we'll just go to the courthouse or have a very small outdoor wedding with no fancy stuff. Just us, maybe our kids,say our vows and then go have a party. I understand wedding planning is stressful for both the bride and groom, unless parents are helping pay they should have no say in how big the wedding is. I get that in many cultures older generations still cling to traditional ideas like have a big wedding or everyone will think you're poor (from that statement I'm guessing either Indian or Asian) but it doesn't HAVE to be that way. Your fiance tried to tell you she was having a lot of anxiety and starting to panic. She tried to tell you she didn't want a big wedding but she no doubt felt overruled here. You going to tell us you DIDN'T say stuff like “my mom expects a huge wedding” and “she's going to be upset and hold it against you if she finds out you don't want a big wedding” or “if you love me you'll do this for me to keep my mom happy and so she'll like you”. Did you say ANYTHING like that to her? Because that would have added to her anxiety and also would have made her start thinking about what else her wishes and feelings would be ignored about in the future if it wasn't what mommy wanted. Sit down with her and have a calm, serious discussion with her and ask her why she ran. Tell her you want honest answers, that she can tell you and you will LISTEN. And actually LISTEN to her this time!!!! You say she has a history of wanting to leave for no reason when things get serious, is it for no reason or was it because she felt like you weren't listening to her and taking her feelings and wants into account, just yours? Think about these things. If you're always siding with other people or your mom over her and overruling her wishes, then that's the problem right there and that's why she panicked and left because she realized it is ALWAYS going to be that way, unless you reassure her it isn't.
Sometimes it’s fucked up what we’re attracted to
He can change how he treats you, but you can't change your past
Don’t you usually get things then?
But I'm not sure if this is one of those cultural differences or not.
I'm french (and living in Sweden, small world) and this is not anything cultural, frankly this is just really rude! Your mom sounds really sweet to invite them and the etiquette, at least in my family, would be to make sure to show how appreciative I am, get a gift before coming (because we do bot go to someone's house without one Christmas celebration or not) and focus on how to make a good impression, NOT go somewhere else and miss half the celebration.
Any tips? Should i just let them do their thing in Denmark or should i try to make them realise how important this is to me (and possible to my mom as well)?
Tell at least your and if he's not bugging, seriously ask yourself if you want to date someone so disrespectful. I have to insist, this is not a french thing, I know we have the reputation of being rude but this is just him so please, don't try to be understanding on the basis that this would be a cultural difference, this is not.
Focus on loving your daughter and making sure she isn’t mistreated by other family members. That’s what matters here.
I’m with your brother. I’m not going to be buddy buddy with somebody that’s been doing my girlfriend. I wanna have carnal knowledge of her and I don’t want the person sitting across the table from me having that same knowledge. It seems like only way out of this is to, let yourself go. Don’t make her choose. Just go ahead and take yourself out of the equation.
You did the right thing. Did you possibly place yourself in more danger? Sure. But you do every time you get in a car, amongst other things.
People always talk about how you could be physically hurt, and never mention the PTSD of having been able to help, choosing not to and having a tragic outcome.
Your friends lack empathy.
” and charged me a reasonable rent, which I appreciated, and reciprocated by planning a proposal, with a family heirloom ring.”
Well, there was the mistake right there. Do NOT reciprocate a nice gesture by asking somebody to marry you. It's obvious that don't have the right mindset about marriage and yet you're asking for marriage.
Let me tell you, a good long-lasting marriage is putting the other person ahead of yourself WITHOUT resentment. The reason you resent is because you don't understand that a wedding represents a uniting as one.
I won't say break up, but you really got yourself into this pickle by proposing more as a “return gift” and now are blaming her for a situation that marriages often encounter.
Go to your family – let them know what's going on.
All his expenses? I hope you mean mortgage and utilities only. His line if credit, student loans, credit cards, car payment, etc are all his responsibility. I don't think moving in with him is a good idea at least for a while.
The ball is squarely in your court.
You have never liked him watching porn but you have “put up with it” for 6 years!
If you don't like it, break up.
You are incompatible. He is not wrong for doing something he wants to do. If you find it disrespectful, then you are the one disrespecting yourself for tolerating this for 6 years. Don't make this issue about him this is fully about you.
No I would not stay. Find someone who actually respects you, and is more age appropriate.
i've considered asking her opinion on being gay and christian and hearing what she has to say about that, do y'all think that could be a good course of action? thank you for your help!
Sorry but sex workers don't give “massages”. He's lying.
He didn't just “get an erection”, he pulled it out and put it on her, after she'd already said no. Don't pretend you don't know the difference between accidental arousal, and putting your penis on someone without their permission.
After 5 years? No. The chances get lower every day.
But how about this: “we have had many issues throughout our relationship of me leaving out details” He CONSTANTLY lies to her! And it’s a KNOWN issue! I don’t think it’s controlling to want to know what your children’s father is up to when he says he’s working.
He wanted to find stuff to blackmail you with, btw. Not guilt. Blackmail.
My suggestion is not to wait until it happens again. I know you're afraid of the confrontation and how he'll react, but if you wait to say something until you're in the moment, emotions may lead and the conversation may not be as productive as it could be otherwise. This is coming from someone who's been called dramatic and overly-sensitive her whole life so I've got some experience here! (Thanks autism :p)
Write down your thoughts clearly and concisely, make bullet points if it will help you stay on track, and let him know how you feel in a calm and rational manner. You have valid points! If you're in different time zones, on different work schedules, it makes sense that you don't want to sit on the phone listening to him talk to people he sees and speaks to every day.
Hopefully he responds thoughtfully and agrees to work on it. If he reacts poorly, he's likely not receptive to or overly concerned with your feelings and I'd reconsider putting effort into the relationship. This is a pretty small ask while being long distance. You're still young, so creating healthy boundaries now will do you wonders in the future.
You online in the house, clean it so that you are comfortable!
You are assuming that I was the one who was ghosted, but thanks for that patronizing response.
Not the right post for your little philosophical exercise hun. Someone is asking for help not questionable moral ponderings. Nobody wants to “judge” you or enter into this but I'm sure theres plenty of subs that will cater to you.