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lola-paterson Public Chat Channel
Date: September 26, 2022
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Maybe some more context was needed…
She’s a PhD student at a very renown school. She teaches classes and does research with some of the top experts in her entire field. We had sex during her office hours, so she was “on the clock” per se.
Her family is also very traditional. Second generation immigrants from an Asian country known for conservative values. They definitely would not be happy with us having sex in their basement during a holiday celebration.
No worries. There’s a lot of insecurity in sex, it’s just genuinely surprising he’s sharing that with you.
Remind him to feel and act as sexy as you see him. Security comes with practice and time 🙂
Break up. There are plenty of great men thatll accept your cats. Its a package deal. I have 5 cats. YES 5. 3 have medical conditions that are costly and I adopted with full knowledge of it. And my man has never ever tried that. We now live! together with our daughter, his dog, and yea, all 5 of my furbabies.
Also wondering how them getting together came out with this issue. Unless something happened during their relationship that she hasn’t told OP about.
He loves you as a friend. He is so used to you that he can't imagine his life without you there. He certainly doesn't hate you. But he doesn't love you romantically, as a couple should love each other. And he isn't going to fall in love with you any time soon.
Yeah,he probably belongs in a psychiatrists care for being on the high end of a personality disorder! Move on. Next post you right he gets the description of exfriend.
It is short for “Run Girl, Run”
It's never ok to put your hands on someone like that, half asleep or otherwise, and it wasn't just an off hand swat, if he slapped you enough that it hurt you, that was deliberate.
You have every right to be upset. If this makes you feel unsafe, leaving may be the best choice.
100 percent gaslighting. Break this off and move him out.
Personally, you’ll look better without idiots as friends. She obviously doesn’t care about how you feel.
I was kidding, don't take it seriously.
Hey, as someone that just took my own break with a situation ship, I might be able to give some half decent input.
Personally, for my situation, we knew it had become toxic/unhealthy/detrimental to us both. So we took a break, at my prompting. He didn't like the thought of time apart at the time, but since has concluded that it was necessary and helpful. In short, it sucked! He was kind of upset with me, blocked me, I was also upset, ran away from him when I ran across him in public, yaddah yaddah all kinds of drama. We had one exchange in which we decided to take a month or month and a half break before having a conversation about perhaps once again being in each other's lives.
It sucked, but it helped a LOT to take that time apart. It gives you time to settle your emotions, learn how to function without relying on that person, and gives enough space for you to realistically think about whether it would be good and healthy to be in each other's lives – on BOTH ends. You want to make the decision that is best for BOTH of you – if you have cause to think he would let you back into his life, but it would interfere with his new relationship, or be some other detriment to him, you might want to consider staying out of his life for his sake. Even if you really want to be back in his life.
Anyway.
Bare minimum, stay away for a month, or two, or however long it takes until you're okay without him, not jealous of his relationship, not heartsick or yearning for his presence (yes, those feelings WILL fade!). Have ONE conversation with him in order to let him know you'd like to talk in a month if you must, but just use this time to take a step back and consider everything.
Have you calmly talked to her about your feelings in the matter and what both your expecations would be on holidays.
TBH Holidays are tricky esp with family on each side tring to fight and guilt trip other who to spend with, so it may not really a black and white issue in your case.
your feelings a validated but it is a tricky minefield to traverse.
Discuss this with her. How should we do xmas, new years?
If its becomes more of a 1 sided compromise and argument than an actual even agreement, then time to re-evaluate what other parts of your rel is unfair and if this is a deal breaker for both of you.
You are in the milestone mark of your rel where difficult conservations and situations like this are being addressed so having good communication first before deciding anything rash should be your first go to.
This exactly
I have been rambling. I honest feel completely lost. I literally just got off the phone to a counsellor and they basically just said that I should be the number 1 priority, not the parents, but unfortunately she was no help. If you need clarification on anything please do ask.
This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. The text of the post has been preserved below.
My (20f) boyfriend (20m) uses my car to go to work and to his moms house or wherever else he’s going. I used to ask him what time he would be home and he would be home by that time. My dad told him that I’m being controlling by asking this so now whenever I ask when he’s going to be home he says “idk” and just leaves. Am I being controlling just by asking what time is he going to be home?? I feel like I shouldn’t be called controlling over this and it really hurts my feelings to be called it.
Update: I just called him not too long ago and he said “I’m sorry I’m not doing what you want but I don’t know what you want me to tell you”
english is not my native langue so sorry for the grammar. i will try to help as much as I can. what is your job? what do you do? not like others Redditors I do judge both sides and try to find what are the missing things in the post.
in my opinion, the fault is on the two of you. did you try to learn and help in the family business? from what I know about restaurants it is really unforgive and hard work over the first year. most of them can't handle the first year. so it makes sense what your husband is going through. it must be hell. when did they open?
but after all that, his problem is that he doesn't know how to build boundaries, the irony is that he really needs to start to learn if he wants the business to succeed. he needs to start to find a way to balance his life with the business if he will put too much into that and it will not pay off he will lose his health. (from depression to even suicide) I saw it happen to a lot of people in the corona time. I believe that a family is a unit, not an individual so he needs to try and trust you and share with you as much as he can to help him with the restaurant. you need to find a way to learn about what is going on in the restaurant and by doing so maybe it will help him make more free time for you.
but as for your problem and blame that I see from the post is that you want something from him that he can't give because you don't try to understand his pov. learn what he is doing and talk to him about that ask him to teach you as much as he can and that will help him make you a priority in his life.
“If you feel like you are currently doing too much for our kids then I think we might need to put our engagement on hold.” Or just straight up take a vacation and let him shoulder the full weight of what you do to serve as a wake up call. I personally couldn’t remain with a selfish person, so imo there is nothing YOU can do to save this. HE needs to step up or you shouldn’t shoulder his dead weight. You CANNOT change anybody except yourself, HE has to want to change for him to do so.
I am resentful of my sister who lives in a big house and just spend an insane amount of time to work on a handmade gift for me. I already own a blanket! The audacity!
The number of people you have slept with does not matter, period.
This is his problem, his insecurity, and therefore fixing it is on him. If his confidence is low enough that he can't handle knowing how many previous partners you've had, he needs to work on that.
As someone who has been in your shoes a few times, in future you might want to avoid the conversation entirely unless your partner outright asks. If they do ask, ask them if they genuinely want to know / will feel better for knowing. 20 isn't even that many partners, but there are people out there that'll be happier oblivious regardless of your number.
On a side note though, taking issue with the ethnicity of a prior partner is something you may want to seriously think about. With time, and maybe therapy, he can change his self-esteem; something as deep-rooted as overt racism on the other hand, you may be stuck with.
I don’t know what type of therapy you’re doing now, but I recommend exploring EMDR. It can be really helpful in addressing negative views/beliefs about oneself. It might be worth a try. You deserve to be loved- by yourself especially.
1) That is NOT a friend.
I really hope at the very least, you are NOT friend with that c*nt, tbh.
She went over to intentionally destroy your marriage because you have this lovely, happy and steady life with your husband and children. She's JEALOUS of you, she HATES you.
I hope you stop being friends with that person. CUT HER OFF. BLOCK.
2) As for your partner. I totally 100% understand you, OP. That is such a massive betrayal. So he was still pining over her, may still even until now, but now he knows she's on a mission to ruin his and your life, so I hope at the very least, he knew that he only liked the shell/appearance and that looks will change. People grow older and beauty fades. Your so-called EX-friend here sounds like a REALLY UGLY and jealous person.
If you still want to work it out with your partner, I would suggest marriage counseling perhaps? As for your therapist, if it's a year already and you've seen no improvement in your panic and anxiety, I would suggest that you may look for different therapist.
This should present as being about your feelings. It should present as being about his feelings. He should want her to not say that because he cares for you and feels uncomfortable with that. He is happy with you and will not have things any other way.
This shouldn’t look like it’s coming from you. It needs to be all him. But usually happy couples care about each others feelings so that’s how it would come out
It's not about what your parents would tolerate in a partner.
It's about what you actively want in a partner.
It's not about what your parents would tolerate in a partner.
It's about what you actively want in a partner.
So your husband KNOWS his friends don’t like you …. And his joke makes me wonder if he likes you. I’m sorry OP. You deserve better.
I mean, he is an adult dating a teenager. Should we really be surprised that he is immature?
Its borderline but you are self-aware. Both of you are valuable people. There are so many more reasons to love someone. We all age, looks fade, money changes (this one is big), health changes… you both could be the perfect compliments to eachother. You both could help propel eachother through life, you just have to adore eachother. Appreciate. Be kind. Talk openly. Show love.
Nope. That would be a huge dealbreaker. Sorry.
That isn't her personal business to be disclosing to others. It's yours and it's all about your autonomy (which in the medical profession/setting she should know all about).
She is completely, 100% in the wrong. She is manipulating you and it makes me wonder what other problematic behaviours she forces on you. She's all sorts of shady.
Does she like the attention or potential drama? What is she getting out of revealing your personal info?
You deserve to feel secure rather than questioning who knows what. It's all just so unethical and outrageous.
So you were 18 and he was 37?
Yep tell her you're gonna spread it around that shes infertile and see how she likes it
Dude, just break up and move on. You can't trust her; you obviously have trust issues, and they are going to continue to “flare up” when you are with someone who has cheated on you. You both need to move on before either of you says or does anything worse.
Ha i like your approach!
They aren’t your friends. They’re also extremely immature. They’re in their mid to late 20s and they’re still behaving like high school girls.
There are few things one person can say to another that are more manipulative than “I'll kill myself if you don't do what I want.” That's pretty much the highest level of shitbag manipulation imaginable, preying on your concern for their wellbeing as a way for them to make you do what they want.
You did the right thing. Don't have any further contact with him yourself, and call in a welfare check for him if you're concerned. Do not let him use threats of self harm as a way to wedge himself back into your life or the threats will never stop.
Nothing's wrong with her my guy, she doesn't want to be with someone who thinks it's cool to make jokes like a 14 year old.
Tell him to fuck off. Don't give him another dime. Tell your husband everything and work with him on a solution.
Giving in will not end things. You'll simpky be his slave until you stand up so might as well do it now and deal with the fall out now.
Maybe find a lawyer to determine local laws on stuff like restraining orders, revenge nudes and documenting the threats.
Ok, now I officially hate your husband. I have MEN1 (among other things) and have chronic pain- I can't even imagine being in your position. You shouldn't have to be if you had a true partner that loved you and that loved your son. You are being failed in such a massive way and I'm so sorry.
My job no longer offers onsite work also. After COVID they moved us to WAH and sold off all local sites.
If that's the way she measures a good relationship, she's going to have a lot of harsh lessons to learn so she'll need all the encouragement she can get. I recommend a “good luck” greeting card from the Hallmark store.
I think you start by mentioning yall need to get his vasectomy checked because they can and do reverse themselves. A couple we know had a surprise baby 13 years after husband had a vasectomy. 100% his kid. You gotta get those checked now and again. And condoms aren't 100% either.
Yeah you have valid reasons to end it. I would have to agree your partner is not being honest about what they actually want.
I had a male friend in college and we'd have dinner all the time because we both didn't know that many people. It was totally platonic. One day I found out he was telling people we were going on dates even though we were both involved with other people. I immediately stopped spending time with him since I was clear it was a friendship. I'm not saying this to say you can't have platonic friends (I have many male friends who wouldn't pull this kind of thing), but my boyfriend never had an issue with it because he trusted me to not be a pos. And guess what? As soon as it turned out my 'friend' was a terrible person, I cut him out. You either trust your partner or you don't.
Your girlfriend was cornered by other men, felt pressured, and was in an uncomfortable situation.
Did you miss the part where she repeatedly went up to the bar with the friend and neither mentioned upon returning the guy hitting on them?
She decided to confide in you and told you the truth.
No she got caught.
She did the right thing by going with it so she could remove herself from the situation.
No she should have told her boyfriend that a guy at the bar is hitting on them or give a fake number because guess what if that guy is so creepy with her actual number he could reverse lookup it and get her address and name.
You did ZERO things to comfort or support her, and instead, blamed her for not handling the situation
Since she didnt tell her boyfriend until caught.
Also this all ignores the friend saying to give out her number which is another issue. As to your rant against him he wasnt the problem her actions were.
Yup, I agree. But looking our two Kids in the eye and seeing their faces is going to be terrible. Why did she have to go and throw it all away.man I feel like a failure. I failed my kids
Do you want marriage to be a partnership? Leave and find someone who wants the same thing. If you want marriage to be subservient and like having a strict dad watching over you, stay with this specimen of a man. You will struggle to fix behaviours like this because he doesn't see you as a partner/someone to take critical feedback from. He sounds very narcissistic tbh
People shouldnt act like that no matter the age
These are the steps:
– Remind yourself that this isn't your family and this is none of your business.
– Tell your girlfriend that if she's too wimpy to handle this on her own you don't want to be told about it.
– Take the rage down a notch and learn that you're supposed to be her partner and equal, not her bodyguard, not her hitman, not her conscience.
He's letting his insecurities consume him and being toxic and controlling. You tell him he needs to go to therapy to deal with this, you'll wear what you want and if he doesn't like it he can pound sand
Hes the one who didn't want me to go, the others were fine with it.
The texts are a bit odd and it's like he's testing to see your reactions. I don't think you're overreacting as texts can easily be misinterpreted and he should know better.
First thing you do is reassure yourself.
You’ve downplayed what you did right and proper in your title. You did tell him, you tried, he made his plans clear.
Everyone’s right to say talk to a lawyer but the difference between your title and your post seems to say that you worry that you didn’t do enough, you tried and should be proud of that.
I've asked my last two partners, when was the last time they were tested, and it was before we were intimate. They had no problem answering. Ended up being a 5 and then a 2 year relationship.
If you're sexually active, it shows your taking responsibility for your health and concern for future partners. It's not just about trust its about having open communication.
He’s just gonna lie to you when he gets caught. Also it sounds like you do mind if he smokes.
Oh, I can’t even comment on this. If you smoke a lot of weed, it’s just dangerous for your lungs. The cigarettes.
Good! And don’t tell him the drive is a sure thing. And he better have a damn good excuse. Keep us updated.
I know that the housework issue can be solved with a maid and now that we are here and physically present in his life every day, I am HOPING he starts to grasp and actually appreciate what it means to be a dad. But I can’t hire anyone to shoo these people out of my home. I’ve read a lot of good advice here though, my ovaries feel huge and I’m ready to stand up for myself and what’s best for my babies.