My boyfriend (M30) is incredibly upset I (F28) want to split expenses in half, versus a percentage based on income. Finding housing has become a nightmare.

My boyfriend and I (M30, F28) have been together just over a year. While I’m neutral on the necessity of living together before an engagement/marriage, he believes it’s an important next step so we’ve started apartment hunting. My lease is up in October and the owners are moving back in so the timing works out.

“Mark” currently lives in a studio style place and spends about $1,800 on rent. I’m in a two bedroom plus tiny office, I’m spending $4,000. Mark has a decent job and has no problems coverings bills with a little left over, but it would be a stretch for him to go up in rent too much more than what he’s currently paying. I make, for context, roughly five times the amount Mark does. Yes, I could pay more in rent than what I do but I’m more interested in saving and eventually leaving this area, opening my own practice, buying a home etc. Also for context and background, right now Mark and I split going out and our activities pretty fifty fifty – we take turns going out and planning dates, no real conflicts. I probably choose more expensive places and activities when I’m planning and paying, but it’s not been a problem that I’ve been aware of.

Anyway…

Mark scheduled a number of apartment showings for us. He was super excited about this all so I let him take the lead. I assumed we’d be looking at places similar in size and cost to where I’m living now because he’d want to keep his costs similar or less than what he’s spending currently.

Oh no. So not the case AT ALL. The whole first day was a series of luxury places sprawling all over some of the nicest neighborhoods in the city. Average rent on the places we saw was between $6,500 and $7,500.

I didn’t say anything while we were looking, but when we got back to my place that night I asked Mark what the heck was going through his mind with those prices?? He said he picked his favorite places and neighborhoods first, and figured I wouldn’t mind upping my costs “a little,” but he had some options in the $5,500/$6,000 range too that wouldn’t even be a “noticeable” increase in rent for me.

I was super confused at this point, and asked him to clarify how he expected us to be splitting rent because the math just wasn’t working for me. He looked at me like I’d asked the dumbest question in the world and said because he makes 20% of what I make, he’d be contributing to 20% of the cost, of course.

I told him I completely understand that some couples do percentage based expenses, but if we’re going to be sharing a place half-and-half then we should be paying for it half-and-half. We’re not married, we’re not even engaged, I’m not going to be gifting rent to him. He got upset because if we chose a place that he could still afford going half and half on, my rent would be going down and his would be staying the same. I agreed, but pointed out that he’d be in a bigger place in a nicer neighborhood, so he’d be benefiting as well. Or, we can choose someplace less expensive for both of us. I also asked if he expected us to split things like utilities and other household costs with this same formula, and he said “of course.”

I told him if he wasn’t comfortable with splitting expenses evenly, we didn’t have to make the decision to move in together until much further on in our relationship, and I could just get another place on my own. Now everything I suggest or say is met with coldness and sarcasm, like I told him I’m canceling his birthday or something.

I get that he’s looking at this from the perspective of what I can do, but just because I can doesn’t mean I am comfortable. I’d understand if I personally wanted to upgrade into something that he couldn’t afford, but it’s just not that important to me.

Am I remarkably out of touch and unfair here? I’d rather not fight about this if there’s a perspective I’m missing out there, but it just doesn’t feel right to me. How do I rectify this?

TLDR: I make roughly 5 times the amount my boyfriend does so his perspective is that I should pay 80% of our rent and expenses while he takes care of 20%. We haven’t moved in together yet, and this disagreement is putting out cohabitation in jeopardy.